Death of a Child
by NettieC
Summary: No parent should have to bury their child ... definitely not Elliot and Kathy Stabler whose infant son died suddenly in his sleep last night. EO
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: They aren't mine ... wish they were.

No parent should ever have to bury their child. Not Steve and Liz Burke, whose nine year old daughter was abducted and murdered by a neighbour. Not Stella Ambrosia whose four year old son was hit and killed crossing 32nd Street with his mother. And definitely not Elliot and Kathy Stabler whose infant son died suddenly in his sleep last night.

Olivia sat at her desk staring at her partner's empty chair, his silver framed photo of his five children facing her. For all the money in the world she would never be able to fully describe what she was feeling…after a life of trauma and sadness, where she felt she had seen and experienced all the horrors there were, this tragedy had sent her to depths of distress she never realised existed.

Numb. That was the overpowering emotion at the news…then a sense of disbelief giving way to sorrow. She'd had to ask Don twice to repeat the tragic news, not truly comprehending the words coming from her boss' mouth.

_Dead…baby Eli had passed away…sudden infant death syndrome…couldn't be revived…_

She shook her head at the memory of his words…it wasn't possible that the five month old baby she had witnessed coming into the world, the same one she had cradled to her chest as the paramedic worked on his mother could be gone…it just wasn't possible.

Unfathomable.

The child, her godson, was gone in an instant and every hope and dream she had about the times they would spend together had been washed away, never to be realised.

Her thoughts turned to Kathy and Elliot and what they must be going through, and the kids…Maureen, Kathleen, Dickie and Lizzie she couldn't imagine their pain. Her first instinct was to grab her things and head to their home but something kept her in her chair…fear…

Fear of entering the Stabler house and being confronted with Eli's death.

Fear of seeing the devastation on their faces, in his father's eyes.

Fear of not being able to offer anything.

Fear of intruding.

Fear.

Before long she felt a firm hand glide gently over her shoulder and slide down to the middle of her back before it rested.

"How you doing, Liv?" Fin whispered into her ear, slipping his hand around to her side and pulling her to him when he saw her tear-filled eyes.

"I'm okay," she lied, quickly shaking her head to gain some clarity. "I'm okay," she repeated, trying to convince herself more than Fin.

"Boss has a job for us but only if you're up to it," he said, pulling back from her.

"Yeah," she replied standing up, taking a last look at the five smiling faces across the desks, knowing she'd never see one of them smile again, wondering if the other four ever would.

The afternoon was consumed in a whirl of reinterviewing witnesses from a case of Fin and Munch's and although she listened hard and took copious notes, five minutes after they left, Olivia had no idea as to what was said. Her mind once again consumed by the misery she knew her absent partner was enduring. As they pulled up at the precinct Fin parked the car and reached over and took hold of Olivia's tightly clasped hands.

"Whatcha thinkin' Liv?" he asked, squeezing her hands.

"Not a lot," she replied quietly, her eyes glazed and fixed on the windscreen.

"You goin' over there?" he asked, knowing exactly who and what she was thinking about.

"Don't know," she sighed, she took a deep breath to try and keep her tears at bay but it failed and they silently began trickling down her cheek. Fin shifted in his seat and pulled her into an embrace. Tenderly he rubbed her arm as she sobbed into his chest. Twenty years a cop, speaking to countless people experiencing tragic and traumatic circumstances and he couldn't find any suitable words of comfort for the woman wrapped in his arms. Instead he held her a bit tighter and kissed her head.

When the pair finally managed to make it to the squad room, Don called Olivia straight into his office.

"How are you doing, Olivia?" he asked, perching on the front of his desk as she sat down in front of him.

"Fine, thank you sir," she replied automatically, her eyes fixed on his tie.

"Want to look me in the eye and tell me that again?" he asked.

Slowly she dragged her eyes up to meet his. "I'm fine … I will be …" she corrected.

"Are you going over to see Elliot?" he asked. Olivia shook her head before nodding. "Which one is it, Liv?"

"I … I … um … am thinking I want to go over there … I just … well, oh god," she sighed, dropping her head again.

"I'll go with you, if you want," Don replied, patting her arm, Olivia smiled in relief.

An hour later Don pulled up the sedan in front of the Stabler residence and it took Olivia three minutes to take off her seat belt and another two before she could open the door. When they were both on the porch, Don took her hand.

"We don't have to stay too long, if you don't want to," he said as he reached forward and pressed the doorbell. Olivia just nodded and drew a deep breath, urging herself to be strong and not breakdown while in the house. Her resolve lasted forty five seconds.

"Liv!" Maureen cried as she opened the door and threw her arms around Olivia.

"Hey honey," she soothed as she rubbed her back. "I'm so sorry … so sorry." Maureen sniffled and pulled back, "I just can't believe it … it doesn't seem real."

"I know, honey," she replied, sliding her arm around the young woman's waist.

"My sympathies too," Don said. Maureen turned around and looked at him, she'd had no idea he was there.

"Thank you, Captain," she said, wiping her face. "Please come in." The trio moved into the house and Maureen shut the door behind them. "Mom's in the kitchen, dad's in there." She pointed into the study.

"How are they coping?" Don asked quietly.

"Mom's done nothing but cry and dad hasn't cried at all … and he's the one that found …" Maureen's sob cut off her sentence, the pain of what her father must have gone through finding his youngest son dead in his crib stabbing through her.

Don reached out and patted her arm. "Okay if I go in?" he asked and Maureen nodded.

"Why don't we go see your mom?" Olivia said, not able to face Elliot just yet … not until she got herself under control.

They walked arm in arm into the kitchen.

"Mom, Liv and Captain Cragen are here?" Maureen announced, trying to stop her tears. Kathy just nodded.

"Why don't you give us a few minutes?" Olivia said to Maureen, knowing she didn't need to hear it all over again. Maureen smiled briefly, grateful for the reprieve.

"I might just go check on the kids, make sure they're okay …"

Maureen departed and Olivia walked over to where Kathy was standing at the sink, staring out into the yard; her hands emerged in the soapy water but not doing anything.

"Kathy?" Olivia called quietly.

Slowly, Kathy turned to face her. "Don't know why I'm washing these…" she said, as she lifted a baby bottle from the sink.

"I am so sorry, Kathy," Olivia said.

"So am I," Kathy breathed. "So am I."

"Is there anything I can do?" she offered.

"Can you bring him back?" Kathy whispered and Olivia sadly shook her head. "Then no … there's nothing."

"I'm so sorry," Olivia repeated.

"So you said," Kathy said and turned her attention back to scrubbing the bottle which would never be used again.

An uncomfortable silence settled over them … Kathy not capable of talking and Olivia not knowing what to say. She was half relieved to hear movement behind her.

"Hey, Olivia," Elliot said, moving to her. She embraced him briefly, flashbacks of their last embrace springing to mind for both of them – the day Eli was born.

"Hi, El, how are you doing?" she asked softly.

"Okay …" was all he could say.

"Anything you need?" she asked, needing to offer, knowing there was little she could actually do.

He shook his head. "Don't think so … at the moment … but maybe …something with the … the service … you know …a prayer or something…" he said, looking over to his wife. There was no response from her.

"Sure, I could do that," Olivia answered. "How are Kathleen and the twins doing?"

"Okay, I guess … no one's doing too well … obviously … but as well as can be expected," Elliot said, using the well worn old cliché.

"Can we organise dinner for you?" Don offered knowing it was dinner time and there was no evidence of food.

"I don't think anyone would eat it, thanks anyway, Don," said Elliot.

Silence settled again. Olivia and Don departed soon after.

Three days later

Olivia was thankful it was Friday and she was rostered off for the weekend. It wasn't that she had any plans or was in any hurry for Monday, and the day of Eli's funeral to arrive, she just wanted some breathing space … and she couldn't get it staring at Elliot's desk and the photo of his children all day. As soon as it was possible she went to the lockers to grab her things, not wanting to spend a minute longer than necessary in the place.

When she returned to the bullpen she was surprised to see Fin and Munch standing by Elliot's desk, their attention focused on Don's closed office door.

"What's up?" she asked, moving back to her desk.

'Something big… I think," said Munch.

"Who's in there?" she asked.

"Doc Warner," said Fin. "And something was definitely up."

"What case?" she asked, hoping it wasn't one of hers.

"Don't think it's a case," Munch answered.

They waited in silence until the office door opened once more and Melinda walked out. Before anyone could question her, Don called Olivia in and she cringed… she didn't want any last minute obstacles to her escape.

Sitting in the chair Don gestured to, Olivia clasped her hands, whatever was going to happen, she knew it wouldn't be good. "What is it?"

"I can't say exactly," he began, sitting on the front of his desk.

"What did Mel have to say?" she asked.

"Melinda has discovered some evidence which she needed to discuss," Don answered.

"Evidence related to which case?" Olivia asked.

"None of our cases," he replied. "Just a favour she was doing."

"What did you need me for?" she asked wearily.

"I just wanted to check your movements for the weekend. I know you're off til Wednesday but I wanted to see if you'd be getting away over the weekend or remaining close to home," he said, reluctant to look at her.

"Can I ask why?" she questioned. It was none of Don's business where she went or what she did in her off time, and he had no right to ask.

"I can't say … just that I'd appreciate it if you were around this weekend," he said.

"What for?" she asked, tired of the whole conversation.

"Can't.." he began.

"Say," she interrupted. "I wasn't planning on going anywhere other than to do some errands. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, thanks."

Finally settled in front of her TV with Greek take out in front of her, Olivia turned the set on and tried to ignore the whole conversation with Don. She knew there was a reason he wanted her home, she knew there was a reason he couldn't tell her, but right now she was tired, emotional and incredibly pissed off at him. Two mouthfuls into her salad and the phone rang, it was Kathleen.

"Hi Olivia," she said, hesitantly. "Are you busy?"

"No, honey, I'm not. Everything okay?" she asked.

"Can I come up?" Kathleen asked.

"Are you outside now?" Olivia asked, moving towards the intercom.

"Aha," she muttered.

"Come on up, honey."

Five minutes later there was a soft rap on the door.

"Hey Kathleen," Olivia said as she opened the door.

"Hey Liv," she replied, using her sleeve to wipe over her face.

"Come on in, honey, and talk to me." Olivia ushered her inside and took her jacket before handing her a box of tissues. She walked Kathleen over to the sofa and sat beside her. "What is it?"

"Things are a bit rough at home today and I was just hoping I could hang out here for a bit," she whispered, almost too scared to speak aloud.

"Of course you can, Kat," Olivia said, patting her hand. "What's happening at home?"

"It's … um … been pretty hard … as you can imagine … mom's a mess and up to this morning dad's just been this detached sort of robot … Lizzie has done nothing but cry and Dickie just keeps on about how unfair it is to lose his only brother, which isn't helping anyone." She paused to blow her nose.

"What changed with your dad today?" Olivia asked.

"Don't really know … he got a call and then he and mom had a huge fight … and even though I don't think he's cried yet … he's really emotional," Kathleen admitted, knowing she shouldn't be talking about her parents.

Before the conversation could continue, the intercom buzzer sounded. A few minutes later there was another knock on the door, it was the twins.

"Sorry just to come over, Liv," Lizzie said, before she spied Kathleen.

"It's okay, guys, come on in." She hugged them both as they moved into the apartment. "Does anyone know you're here?"

"No," said Dickie.

"Hungry?" Olivia asked, looking at her abandoned dinner.

"Sort of," he said.

"Want me to order pizza?" she offered and he nodded.

"Now," she said, after concluding the order, "Want to talk to me?"

"Couldn't really handle being at the house anymore," Lizzie said. "It's bad."

"Real bad," added Dickie.

"Told you, Liv," Kathleen chimed in.

"How about I call home, let them know you are here and safe and see if you can stay the night?" Olivia offered and Kathleen nodded.

Moving to her bedroom to make the call in private, Olivia's heart began to pound at the mere thought of talking to Elliot. Thankfully it was Maureen who answered the phone.

"Hey Maureen, it's Olivia," she said.

"Hi Liv," she replied.

"Things sound a bit rough there," Olivia commented as she heard Elliot's voice boom in the background.

"Yeah, that's one word for it," Maureen said, sighing.

"Well, I don't know if this will make it better or worse, but Kathleen turned up here about thirty minutes ago quite distressed, and about ten minutes ago the twins turned up … none of them are too thrilled at the prospect of going home tonight. I said I'd call and check to see if they could stay here tonight, and I'll bring them back tomorrow," Olivia said.

"I was starting to worry about them," Maureen said.

"I thought someone would be," she said.

"I'll go check with mom and dad," she said and put down the receiver.

From the sounds coming down the line, Olivia knew it was very tense and difficult in the Stabler house, after a few minutes Maureen came back on the line.

"Yeah, it's okay, Liv," she said. "It's probably better for them to be away from this."

"What's actually going on?" she asked.

"Don't know … I think dad's going off the rails … he's been controlled and unemotional with everyone else and then going ballistic as soon as mom speaks to him … maybe I should come over too," she added.

"You're more than welcome, honey," Olivia offered.

"Thanks, Liv, but I think I'm needed here. Someone has to referee this …" Kathy's voice echoed down the line and Maureen sighed. "Gotta go, Liv … I think round ten is about to start."

Olivia ended the call more than concerned. She had seen Elliot is ballistic mode and knew Kathy wasn't in a position to cope with it. She also knew with three Stablers in her living room she wasn't going anywhere, she needed to concentrate on what she could do and that was to be with these three.

It was midnight before Olivia's three house guests were finally asleep. Dickie was in the guest room, Lizzie and Kathleen were in Olivia's bed and she was on the sofa. She had the stereo on low, hoping the ambient music would lull her into a restful slumber but it wasn't to be. She tossed and turned for a good part of the next hour before finally getting up and making herself a cup of tea. As she brought the cup back to the sofa her cell rang. Elliot's name flashed on the screen.

"Hey, El," she said quietly, not wanting to disturb the kids.

"Sorry to call so late," he said, his voice distant.

"It's okay, I wasn't sleeping. You okay?" she asked, sitting back down and tucking her feet under the blankets.

"Nope," he answered but said nothing else.

"Where are you?" she questioned.

"In your hallway," he whispered. Olivia jumped up and opened the door, there she found Elliot sitting on the floor next to her door, his knees drawn up and his elbows on his knees.

Crouching beside him Olivia and gently rested her hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, are you okay?" she asked trying to get him to look up but his forehead stayed on his arms. "El?" He shook his head but said nothing. "Come inside." Again he shook his head so Olivia sat on the floor beside him and ran her fingers up into his hair, gently caressing his scalp.

"Kids okay?" he asked, his voice flat and unemotional.

"They're asleep now … they were a bit upset earlier," she said quietly.

"Thanks for looking after them," he sighed, finally lifting his head up and resting it on the wall behind him. Olivia was surprised to see he hadn't been crying, his whole body language had told a different story. Her hand dropped from his head before taking his hand in hers and leaning back against the wall with him.

"The kids are very concerned about you. What's going on?" she asked quietly.

"Bad day," he sighed, which was the understatement of the year.

"So I gather. Wanna tell me about it?" she asked gently. He shook his head again and the weight of it seemed overwhelming, so he rested it on Olivia's shoulder and closed his eyes.

For a while they sat in silence, Elliot just needing to be with her more than anything else. "You sure you don't want to come in?" she asked again.

"Nah," he groaned, getting to his feet. "Don't tell them I was here."

"Why not?" she asked, holding onto his hand as he helped her up. He dropped her hand and headed towards the stairwell. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"Fucked if I know," he mumbled and walked away, his shoulders slumped and his head bowed.

"Elliot," she called, running up to him. "El, wait!" He stopped in his tracks but he didn't turn back, the effort too exhausting to contemplate. Olivia moved in front of him and placed her hands on his shoulders. "Don't go … stay here … with the kids … with me."

He shook his head, he couldn't stay, couldn't be with her. He needed her desperately, her understanding, her affection, her touch but regardless of whatever else had happened he was a married man and he couldn't forget that.

"Can't," he muttered as he brushed his lips across her cheek. "Can't."

Olivia watched him descend the stairs and stood there a long while, hoping he'd change his mind and come back up.

"Liv," Kathleen called, bringing her out of her daze. "What are you doing out here?"

"Oh, Kat," she replied. "I was just seeing a friend out."

"Dad?" she asked, as Olivia went back into the apartment and locked the door.

"Yeah," Olivia conceded, not wanting to lie to her. "Just checking up on you guys."

"Is he okay?" she asked.

"He will be, honey. Can I get you something?" Olivia asked as she headed into the kitchen.

"No thanks, I'll just go back to bed." Kathleen quickly kissed Olivia's cheek and headed back to the bedroom.

**Thanks for reading! Don't forget to review!**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: They aren't mine ... wish they were.

**AN: I got the chance to update sooner than I expected, I'm sure you won't mind.**

The following morning, Olivia pulled her car up in front of the Stabler house and sat quietly, waiting for the other three occupants to make a move – nothing happened.

"You guys have to go in at some stage," she said gently, unbuckling her belt.

"Will you come in with us?" Lizzie asked, tears filling her big blue eyes.

"Please," added Kathleen.

Olivia found herself saying yes and nodding when in fact it was the last thing she wanted to do.

As they slowly approached their home, filled with trepidation, Lizzie held tightly onto Olivia's hand. They all froze on the front step when a slamming door resonated through the house followed by the unmistakeable sound of breaking glass.

"Okay," Olivia said quietly, when she saw the stricken faces of the kids. "You wait here."

"Can we wait in the car?" Dickie asked, and when Olivia handed over the keys all three quickly retreated to the vehicle.

Steeling herself, Olivia knocked on the door and was greeted by an extremely flustered Maureen.

"Oh, thank god," she exclaimed, hugging Olivia.

"What happened, Maureen?" Olivia asked as she was pulled into the house.

"Dad slammed the study door so hard the picture frame dropped and the glass shattered. Just watch where you step," Maureen explained.

"Is he still in there?" she asked, pointing to the door. Maureen nodded. "And where's your mom?"

"Out the back somewhere, crying," she sighed, her eyes filling with tears.

"More arguments?" Olivia asked quietly.

"The same one … can't quite figure out what it is but it's bad," she said, resting on the entrance arch.

"Does your dad have anything he needs to do today?" Olivia asked, glancing to the door.

"Besides for working on his 'impossible to deal with' attitude, no," she replied, her voice showing her exhaustion.

"Well, I'll trade you. Your sisters and brother headed back to the car when we heard the glass break. How about you go get them and I'll take your dad with me? I know how to handle the 'impossible to deal with' Elliot Stabler," she said with a smile and was relieved when Maureen smiled back.

Ten minutes later, Elliot slid into Olivia's passenger's seat and folded his arms tightly across his chest, his eyes fixed firmly at a point beyond the windscreen, anger rolling off him in waves. Olivia climbed into her seat and clicked in her belt, waiting for him to do the same, when he didn't she prompted him.

"Fine, I'll put on my fucking belt, okay! Fucking happy now?!" he growled, trying to slam the buckle into the holder but having no luck. Olivia took it from him and inserted it without a word.

Starting the car, she pulled into traffic and drove along in silence, looking at him every now and then; he was saying nothing.

Not sure what to do with him, or even where she was going, she kept driving. At one stage, when she looked over, he had his head back and eyes closed but she knew he wasn't asleep, his jaw was clenching furiously and his fists were balled tightly. She kept driving, hoping time and distance from his house would settle him some before he did irreparable harm to himself or his family.

Nearly two hours later she pulled into a roadside diner, and, realising he was asleep, went in and picked up provisions for lunch. When she started the car again, he spoke to her for the first time since the seatbelt remark.

"Sorry, Liv," he said quietly, his eyes still closed.

"What for?" she asked, glancing at him.

"Shouldn't have yelled at you … before … about the seatbelt … I'm sorry," he repeated.

"No harm done," she soothed.

"I … ah, fuck, Liv …" he mumbled, shaking his head and opening his eyes.

Olivia pulled off the road and into a park, before grabbing the food and a picnic rug from the trunk. Elliot made no attempt to get out of the car so she dropped her things and opened his door and reached across him to unbuckle his seatbelt. He grabbed her arm on the way back.

"Liv," he mumbled into her shoulder. "This is gonna kill me."

"What is, El?" she asked propping herself on the edge of his seat and placing her palm on his cheek. "What's going to kill you?"

"This whole fucking, shitty mess," he said, his breathing ragged.

Olivia embraced him, cradling his head to hers and rocking him gently. "Don't," he protested as she stroked his head, she ignored him and kept doing it. She knew he was on the brink and she knew she was yet to cry for his baby boy.

"Let go, El," she whispered, pulling him closer. "It's only you and me, let go."

"Please, Liv, don't," he repeated, knowing that if started crying now he may never stop, his grief overwhelming.

"It's okay, Elliot," she soothed, kissing the side of his head.

"Livvy," he pleaded, his voice broken; his fingers curled into her sweater, desperate for her to take away his utter devastation.

"I'm here for you, El, I'm right here," she whispered as his head nestled into the crook of her neck.

Within moments, Elliot broke and the first of his tears splashed onto Olivia's neck. She never faltered with her caresses or rocking motion as sobs erupted from him, gasping, choking sobs accompanied by floods of tears. When he finally stopped Olivia kissed his head before pulling back and wiping his face.

"Come on, let's get some fresh air," she said, helping him out of the car. She smiled when he didn't resist and continued holding her hand after they were out of the car.

Bending quickly, Olivia scooped up the blanket and food and walked with Elliot towards the picnic area which overlooked a small running creek. She handed him the food as she opened the blanket and sat down, Elliot sat next to her, not quite touching but far closer than he normally would. Opening the bag he decided he really wasn't hungry and handed it back to Olivia.

"Here," she said, handing him a ham and cheese on rye and bottle of water.

"Not really hungry, Liv," he sighed, putting them down on front of him.

"I know, El," she said, patting his arm. "But the kids said you hadn't really eaten in days, so you can eat this for me, okay?" He nodded dutifully and unwrapped the sandwich before taking a small bite; he was surprised to find that he was actually hungry.

Eating in near silence, they watched birds searching for food nearby and a few ducks swimming in the creek. When Elliot had finished he lay down on his back and folded his arms across his face. Moving aside her wrapper and bottle, Olivia lay on her side next to him, watching him; she raised her hand and pulled his arms down, before tenderly wiping away the tears she knew she would find on his cheeks.

"Talk to me, El," she said softly, holding onto his hand when he went to cover his face once again. "No, El, talk … tell me about it… I know you're upset about Eli … but what was the phone call about yesterday?"

His eyes darted to her. "How'd you know about that?" he asked.

"The kids told me," she admitted, still holding his hand. "What was it?"

"It was Melinda …" he started. "Even though the doctor said SIDS I had to be sure, you know … that I'd done everything I could …when I found him …well, I thought he was gone, he was pale and cold and his little lips were blue but I tried … I tried so hard, Liv, so very hard." Olivia nodded and squeezed his hand, tears filling her eyes. "But I just had to be sure … couldn't bury him and not know for sure there was something I coulda done, you know? So I had Mel run some tests … not a full autopsy…I couldn't do that to the little guy …" he paused as a tear fell down his cheek, Olivia reached in to wipe it away.

"What did Mel say?" she asked gently.

"Said it was SIDS and um…" He shook his head, the words to difficult to form.

"And what, El?" she prompted.

"And he …um … he couldn't have …um… couldn't have been mine … blood groups didn't match…" he sighed, trying to keep his emotions together. "He wasn't mine."

Slowly, he looked up at Olivia to find tears escaping down her cheeks.

"Hey," he whispered, propping himself up on his elbow and facing her.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, her hand still resting on his face.

"So am I," he whispered, brushing away her tears.

"What did Kathy say?" she asked with a sniffle.

"Said she had known there was a chance … a good chance … but didn't want to believe he wasn't mine … apparently Grant took off the minute her period was late so he wasn't going to be much help," he sighed, his eyes closing.

"That bitch," Olivia muttered to herself; Elliot's eyes shot open.

"Huh? Did you just call her a bitch?" he asked surprised.

"Yeah, I did," Olivia admitted, rolling onto her back. "Who the hell does she think she is to do that to you? How could she be so calculating and manipulative?" she spat.

"I did ask her," he replied. "I think I said 'who the fuck' rather than 'who the hell' but the question was the same."

"So what did she say?" she asked, rolling back onto her side to look at him.

"She said she was sorry …" he began.

"Fucking lot of good that does us …" she retorted before realising her words.

Quickly, she went to get up but Elliot responded quicker and pulled her back down to him.

"Don't, Liv," he said as she sat down, her back to him. "Don't walk away from me, talk to me." She shook her head, now definitely wasn't the time. "Livvy, please…. You said 'us', explain it…" Olivia drew her knees to her chest and hugged them to her. He moved over, sitting side on to her back, his arm circling her waist, lest she try and run again, his face near her ear. She ducked her head and he knew she was crying. "Olivia?" He pulled her around and held her as she rested her forehead on his shoulder.

"How could she do it?" she mumbled into his chest.

"She was thinking of herself … and what she thought was best for the baby," Elliot explained quietly.

"Not what I meant," she mumbled. "I meant how could she … do that … to … ah, fucking bitch."

"Do what, Liv?" he asked, surprised she seemed more devastated by it than he did at this very moment.

Olivia couldn't speak … the knowledge that the baby, who had changed everything she had hoped and dream for between herself and Elliot, should never have been an issue had shattered the small part of her heart which had survived the revelation of the pregnancy.

In the time leading up to Elliot's announcement of the impending birth, Olivia had finally allowed herself to be true to her feelings about him. She had finally admitted to herself that she was in love with him, deeply and desperately in love with him … that she wanted him in ways that were highly sinful and probably illegal in some states. She had also come to the conclusion that she was going to tell him … to find the right time to declare her feelings … after all, they were both in a place where these things were possible … and then came the baby… and it had taken all her resolve not to curl up in bed and never get out again.

And it was all because of a lie.

A bare-faced lie by Kathy and, right now, she hated her more than she'd ever hated anyone.

"Hey," he soothed as he raised her face to his. "Tell me."

"I wanna kill her," she muttered, holding onto his shirt.

"So do I … for obvious reasons," he replied. "Wanna tell me your reasons?"

Olivia sighed deeply, her heart and head in conflict. It had taken her a long time to work up the nerve to tell him the first time … something which never eventuated. Then she vowed she never would. But now, with emotions raw and heightened, her ability to think things through was compromised.

"Because she took you away from me," she admitted quietly, dropping her head and avoiding his gaze.

"How did she do that?" he asked confused, raising her face to his.

"You know the day before you told me about Eli … I'd asked you if you wanted to have a drink with me … when the case ended?" she asked, her gaze focused soley on the bottle of water sitting next to her.

"Yeah, vaguely," he answered.

"I was going to tell you I was in love with you," she confessed, her eyes finally meeting his.

Elliot was stunned; it was the last thing he was expecting. His arms stayed firmly around her and his eyes remained locked with hers as he tried to process her words…

"Does that mean you're not anymore?" he finally asked. Olivia looked at him confused. "In love with me … you said you were in love with me … is it past tense?" Slowly she shook her head. "No," she whispered. "Present tense."

"Shit!," Elliot muttered. "And had Kathy not lied …"

"I would have told you over that drink…" she finished. "And then it would have been up to you…"

"And I would have told you I was in love with you too," he admitted softly. "Correction, I am in love with you."

"Oh," Olivia sighed as she held onto him. "As I said…bitch."

Leaning in, Elliot kissed her head and held her to him, shaking his head at the irony of having the best and worst in life at the same time.

"You know," he began, cradling her head to him, "staying that night was the biggest mistake of my life … and you've gotta believe me when I say it was nothing but sex…

"Could of come to me," Olivia whispered as her hand rubbed his back.

"Not just for a night, Livia," he replied, kissing her head. "You could never be a one night stand."

"But then you'd never have slept with her and …" her voice faltered.

"And this mess would never have happened," he finished, Olivia nodded.

"Look at me," he instructed pulling back from her. "Are you sure you still love me?" he asked, desperation in his voice and his eyes.

"Positive," she replied without missing a beat.

"Well, I'm positive I'm in love with you – it's your face I see every night when I close my eyes, it's your face I want to see when I wake up in the morning …" he confessed as her fingers grazed his scalp. "In a perfect world, would you wanna try for something between us?" he asked, not wanting to presume anything.

"Yeah," she whispered. "But…" She watched as his face dropped. "But," she repeated, her palm resting on his cheek, "first we're going to work through things … with Eli … and Kathy …okay?"

Both knew embarking on any new relationship would be way too difficult given the circumstances now surrounding them.

"I understand why …" he began, "but, god, Liv … there's already been so much time wasted. And I don't want to risk you changing …"

"There's no risk," she interrupted. "I've loved you way too long to change my mind now…" She caressed his face again. "But right now you have so much to deal with, to come to terms with in regards to Eli and …"

"He wasn't mine …" Elliot interrupted.

"He was, El … in every way that mattered … biologically, he wasn't your son but you were his daddy. You loved him like the others, didn't you?" she asked gently and wiped away his tears as he nodded. "You need to grieve, sweetheart, grieve his passing, and grieve his paternity, yeah?"

"Yeah," he whispered.

"And I'll be with you the whole time … we just won't make this obvious," she said, gesturing between the both of them. He nodded.

Rain started falling; big, round drops which seemingly came from nowhere, much like the events which brought them to the park.

"Let's get going," Olivia said, dropping her hands.

"Can you kiss me first?" he asked so quietly, Olivia thought she'd imagined it. Over the years there had been many occasions when Olivia had soothed or calmed him with just a touch or a gentle smile, he had never realised her true impact on his life until the day she disappeared to Oregon. From that day forth, he could never take her presence in his life for granted; there were days when a smile from her across their desks was enough to get him through the trials of their daily grind. Now, as his world exploded, he needed as much of her as he could get.

She turned back to face him. "El?"

"Please …" he begged. "Just once."

Olivia moved back to him and sat in his lap, wrapping her legs around him as she pressed her body to his. Running one hand around to the back of his head, she held it gently in place, before gripping his shirt with her other hand and pulling him to her. Elliot allowed her to control the kiss, right now she was his everything and he had completely surrended himself to her.

Tilting her head to the right, Olivia brushed her lips against his, revelling in their soft and supple feel. She used her lips and tongue to gently encourage him to open his mouth and when he did her tongue slipped in and tenderly caressed his mouth. She could feel him melting into her kiss, accepting everything she had to give and not reciprocating in anyway … she wasn't sure if it was because he didn't want to or didn't think he was allowed.

Slowly, she pulled away, placing loving kisses up to his ear.

"You can kiss me whenever you're ready," she whispered breathlessly. It was the only encouragement he needed to kiss her back. And despite the rain, their saturated clothing and their shared grief, they allowed themselves the luxury of one another…just for now.

**Thanks for reading! Don't forget to review!**


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: They aren't mine ... wish they were.

Driving back, the conversation stayed light until Elliot fell asleep, Olivia glanced over to find out why her last question had remained unanswered and smiled. There he was, curled into his seat, clutching onto her damp sweater and using it as a pillow. As they neared the city, Olivia pulled over and gently shook him.

"El … Elliot … wake up," she cooed, turning in her seat. His eyes fluttered open and he grinned when he saw her hand on his thigh.

"So, it's not a dream," he said, looking at her hand.

"Nah," she grinned. "I love you."

"Then it is a dream…a good one…" he sighed. "Why have we stopped?"

"We need a plan," Olivia said, looking at her watch. "It's just gone four …"

"And we need a plan for that?" he asked his brow furrowed.

"No, El, as to where I drive to … you need to go home and …" she began.

"Why?" he interrupted.

"Because you need a change of clothes, for one," she said, pulling at his shirt. "And you need to talk to your kids … they're really upset and confused." Elliot nodded.

"And after that?" he asked, holding onto her hand.

"Well, I'll be at home all evening, you're more than welcome to come over when you're done with the kids," she replied, squeezing his thigh.

"Can I stay?" he asked hesitantly.

"I was planning on it," she smiled.

Olivia had dropped him off and was at home, showered and changed into her warm pyjamas. She knew it was early to be in nightwear but she was tired and cold and it seemed like the best option. Curled up on the sofa, she had only been there a minute when her intercom buzzed. It was Don.

"Hey Liv," he greeted her when she opened her door. He eyed her clothing. "Is this a pyjama party?"

"Oh, no, sorry," she said, looking down at herself. "Just wanted to get warm."

"Everything okay?" he asked, following her to the sofa.

"For me, yeah," she sighed, sitting cross legged at one end.

"And for Elliot?" he questioned. "I know he was with you today … I went by the house."

She shook her head. "Guess this is why you wanted me to stay close to home this weekend."

"Yeah," he sighed. "I couldn't tell you, Liv, I'm sorry. It had to come from him."

"I understand, Don …" She rested her head on the back of the sofa. "It sucks doesn't it?"

"Yeah. How's Elliot doing?" he asked.

"Not good …" Olivia answered, standing up. "Coffee?"

"Yeah, please," Don replied, following her into the kitchen. "Where is he now?"

"I dropped him home … he needs to talk to the kids … Kathleen and the twins stayed here last night, really upset by everything, but especially him, after Mel had called," she informed him. "But he's coming here when he's done … just doesn't want to spend any extra time there."

"I can understand that …" Don nodded. "Look, don't worry about the coffee, I'll hit the road … you just get some rest before El gets here, you look exhausted."

"I'm fine," she replied.

"Get some sleep," he said sternly but with a smile. "Elliot's going to need all the help he can get."

Following her boss' instructions, Olivia slipped into bed soon after he departed, laughing to herself when she realised it was only six … she couldn't remember ever being in bed so early before. Sleep claimed her quickly and it was surprisingly peaceful.

Rolling over a few hours later she found herself in Elliot's arms. Waking quickly, she ran her hands up his chest.

"Hey," she croaked. "How did it go?"

"Shit," he sighed.

"It was never going to be easy," she soothed before realising he was still laying on top of the quilt. "Come in with me," she encouraged, shifting to pull back the bed clothes.

"I thought we were going to take it slowly," he grinned.

"We are," she replied. "Doesn't mean I can't hold you tonight, does it?"

"You sure?" he whispered.

"Positive," she smiled.

Elliot stood up and kicked off his shoes. "Have you eaten?" Olivia asked as he unbuckled his belt.

"Nah," he replied.

"Me neither," she said, sitting up in bed. "We'll order in."

"Don't bother for me," he said, sitting on the edge of the bed and taking off his socks.

"You say that now," she started, skirting around the bed. "But at 3:00 AM when you're starving no one's going to deliver." He smiled; trust her to be so logical.

Coming back from placing the order, Olivia grinned to find him in her bed.

"Hope you don't mind," he said, when he saw her standing in the doorway watching him.

"Actually, I do," she replied and he sat up quickly.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have…" he began before she crossed the room to him.

"I don't mind that you're in my bed," she said. "Only that you're on my side." She climbed in next to him and gently shoved him across.

"But it's cold on this side," he pouted.

"Well, I'll warm you up," she smiled, wrapping herself around him.

Elliot closed his eyes as his senses went into overdrive. His life had effectively exploded, everything he was sure of two days ago was gone … And in the midst of lies, secrets and betrayal he held onto the one thing he was sure of; Olivia.

For a long time she just held him, she had no demands or expectations of him, she was just grateful he had come to her and that he loved her – everything else could wait.

When the intercom buzzed, Olivia rolled over. "That will be the pizza."

"Pizza?" he asked, Chinese was their usual fare.

"Yeah," she smiled. "Much easier to eat in bed."

Sunday

Waking a little after eight, it took Olivia a few moments to figure out why she felt so compressed and she smiled when she realised the cause. Elliot was not only asleep across her; his hand had found its way down the back of her pyjama bottoms and was firmly cupping her butt. Trying to move as little as possible, Olivia carefully extracted her arm so she could push her hair from her face; the movement was enough to wake him.

Still transitioning from sleep to wakefulness, Elliot mumbled incomprehensible things to her. It was only when he spoke her name he became alert, and was relieved to see it was her in the bed with him. He had called her name before, more than once, and Kathy had not been impressed in the least.

"Hey, honey," she whispered, caressing his face. "How'd you sleep?"

"Very well," he smiled. It was the best sleep he'd had in a long time. "You?"

"Fine," she replied. "Good thing I'm not claustrophobic though," she grinned.

"Why?" he asked, wide eyed.

"You realise where you're sleeping?" she asked. He looked down at their entwined bodies.

"God, Liv, I'm sorry, you must be crushed." He went to pull away and realised where his hand was. "And…oh, sorry … I, um…" Olivia grinned, he was actually blushing.

"I'm not complaining," she said kissing his nose.

"I wasn't either," he replied, pulling her with him as he rolled onto his back.

Olivia rested her head on his chest, one hand gently rubbing his arm before long they was asleep once more.

It was the ring of Elliot's cell which woke them the second time about 11:00 AM. She rolled with him as he stretched to pick it up from the side table.

"Stabler," he croaked.

"Yeah, El. It's me, Fin…" Fin began. "Look man, Don told us about Eli … and Kathy … and that's just bullshit."

"That's one word for it," Elliot sighed, raking his fingers through Olivia's hair.

"Munch and me thought you might want to catch up for drinks tonight… maybe grab some food … just some time out…away from women," he offered hesitantly.

"Sounds like a plan … but, um… can Liv come?" he asked, not wanting to spend anytime away from her if possible.

"Sure … want me to call her?" Fin offered.

"Nah, she's right in front of me," he replied, omitting the fact that she was actually on top of him rather than in front … but who was he to be technical. By the time he hung up the arrangements were set, 7:00 PM at Serenade's Bar and Grill.

Before he had the time to tell Olivia, her cell rang. It was Maureen and she was very upset.

"Hey, hey, slow down, Mo," she soothed. "What's wrong?" she asked sitting up. Elliot sat up with her and put his hand out for the phone, she shook her head. "Sweetie, talk to me…"

"Is dad still there … with you?" Maureen asked, tears evident in her voice.

"Yes, do you want to talk to him?" she offered.

"No, no," she answered quickly. "I…um … Liv, oh god."

"Take a breath, Maureen," Olivia instructed firmly. "Where are you?"

"Sitting in Michael's car outside of the house …" she gasped.

"Okay, just take a minute and then tell me what this is about," Olivia soothed.

The silence was deafening for Elliot, although Olivia could hear Maureen talk to her boyfriend down the line. It was Michael's voice she heard next.

"Um, hello, Ms…um…Olivia, ma'am," he said cautiously.

"Hello, Michael," she said, shrugging at Elliot when he looked at her.

"Mo's pretty upset at the moment," he began.

"Yeah, I can tell," she replied.

"What it comes down to is that she is freaking out that Mr Stabler might not be her dad," he said slowly.

"What makes her think that?" Olivia asked, trying not to give anything away.

"All this shit … sorry, I mean stuff, with Eli … she asked Mrs Stabler if there was any chance … you know how they weren't married ... And she just shrugged and Mo's been a basket case since … she wants to know and she doesn't want to know and she doesn't want to upset Mr Stabler because she loves him so much…" Michael said, as Maureen sobbed in the background.

"I can understand that," Olivia said.

"She was thinking you might have a way of checking this out … you know with Melissa … Melanie…" he began.

"Melinda," she answered and Elliot's eyes widened.

"Can you bring her over here?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah, as soon as I can," he said, relieved to have someone else dealing with his very distressed girlfriend.

Slowly Olivia closed her phone and placed it on the side table before turning around to face Elliot.

"What's wrong?" he asked, caressing her face and raising her chin so she had no choice but to look at him.

"Maureen's upset … she's worried that you …" she sighed, struggling to find the right words, but there were none. "She's worried you might not be her dad."

"What?!" he yelled, clambering to get out of the bed. "Why the hell would she think that?" He grabbed the phone and tried to dial her number but Olivia grabbed the phone, tossing it onto the bed as she moved to grab him.

"With you and Kathy not being married when she was conceived and the truth about Eli, she's got herself into a state…" Olivia explained gently.

"That why you mentioned Melinda?" he asked, holding onto her and burying his face in her hair.

"Yeah, she though Mel might be able to short circuit things and she could find out today …" she replied nuzzling into his neck.

"I can't lose another kid, Liv, I can't," he mumbled, his grip on his emotions faltering.

"Whatever the result, you'll never lose her, El, she loves you very much," Olivia whispered, kissing his neck.

With Elliot dispatched to the shower, Olivia phoned Melinda and arranged for an afternoon visit to the lab to do a few simple tests … enough to either know there was something to worry about or it wasn't an issue. She prayed it was the latter.

Dressing in blue jeans and a white tee, Olivia sat on her bed listening to the water in the shower. She couldn't imagine what was going through Elliot's mind, how he would cope if he lost two children in these circumstances. Realising he'd been in there nearly thirty minutes, she moved to the bathroom door and rapped quickly

"You okay, El?" she called, opening the door slightly. "El?" There was no answer. "Elliot," she called moving into steam-filled bathroom and over to the window, she opened it, before turning on the fan. "Elliot, are you okay?" she asked again, tugging on the curtain.

This time when she got no reply she pulled back the curtain and her heart broke to see him sitting huddled into the corner in the tub under the stream of hot water, the very image of a shattered man. The heat of the water had left his head and back bright red; quickly Olivia turned off the water and grabbed a towel, patting him dry.

"El, are you okay?" she asked. "It looks so sore…"

"Can't feel anything," he mumbled, his physical pain no comparison for his emotional pain.

"Hop out," she instructed taking his hand and helping him out before wrapping the towel around his waist.

Picking up her aloe vera gel, she led him out to her bed and sat him side on, before opening the tube and placing a dollop on her palm. She rubbed her hands together quickly.

"This may feel a little cold," she cautioned, "but it will help." He nodded but didn't react to her touch. When she was satisfied she'd treated every reddened part of his flesh, she replaced the lid and dropped the tube onto the bed before moving to sit in front of him. Tenderly she caressed his face, wishing for the world she could take away the look of devastation in his eyes.

"For whatever it's worth," she said quietly, looking into his glassy eyes. "Regardless of the outcome today, you'll still have me."

A smile broke out across his face. "That's worth everything…thank you," he whispered, gently kissing her lips.

When the buzzer sounded nearly ten minutes later, Olivia left Elliot to dress while she went to let Maureen and Michael in, hoping she could calm her before Elliot came in, she wasn't sure if she could cope with both of them distraught.

Olivia opened her door and embraced Maureen, who had managed to keep it together until she saw Olivia.  
"Hey, honey," Olivia soothed, holding onto the young woman and side stepping them so Michael could enter the apartment. "Sssh, calm down … you don't know anything yet."

"That's what I've been trying to say," Michael said but stopped short when Maureen glared at him.

"Let's wait until we see Melinda, Mo," she said, wiping Maureen's face.

"But what happens if he's not my dad?" she sobbed. "What happens if he doesn't love me anymore or doesn't want me in his life?"

"Maureen, that will never happen, regardless of what the tests say," Elliot said sternly coming from the bedroom. Maureen ran to him and flung her arms around him, clinging tightly. "I will always love you … always," he whispered gruffly as he tried to stop the tears from starting. "Do you understand?" She nodded into his chest.

"And I'll always love you, daddy," she sobbed, as she looked up into his deep blue eyes, the ones which matched hers in every way.

**Thanks for reading! Don't forget to review!**


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: They aren't mine ... wish they were.

Elliot held onto Maureen's hand tightly as they entered the lab, Olivia and Michael hovered near the door wanting to give them support but enough space to go through this together.

"Well, hello there," Melinda said, warmly. "We're going to make this as quick and easy as possible, okay?" Both nodded. "Now, you both know these results today won't be conclusive but will give us a clear indication of where things stand." Both nodded again. "Ready?" she asked, smiling at the silent duo.

After drawing samples of blood from both of them and doing a cheek swab, Melinda tried to dispatch them to the cafeteria but it was to no avail. Neither wanted to do anything else but know what the outcome was and all the coffee in the world was not going to make it come quicker. Forty minutes into their wait, Melinda called Olivia aside.

"Listen, Liv," she said quietly as Elliot and Maureen chatted quietly on the chairs nearby. "The machine is having a few problems. Don't think we're going to get any result today."

"Definitely the machine?" Olivia checked.

"Yeah, nothing to do with the samples. How do you think they're going to cope?" Melinda asked, glancing to the pair.

"Not well, just make sure you emphasise it's the machine," she advised.

Melinda walked over to the pair, both standing as she approached.

"Whatever it is, you'll always be my dad, right?" Maureen whispered, gripping his arm.

"That's right, Mo, and you'll always be my daughter," he reassured, kissing her head.

"I don't have the results yet," Melinda started, resting her hand on Elliot's arm. "And with the problems I'm having with the machine, we're not going to have them today."

"When will you know?" Elliot asked, patting Maureen's hand.

"24 – 48 hours," she sighed. "I've got a call in to the tech but it's Sunday and, god knows when I'll see him here. I'm really sorry," she apologised.

"Can't you do it any other way?" Maureen asked, not wanting this to drag out any longer, especially with the funeral the following day.

"I can send the samples to another lab, but they won't prioritise it, and well, you know how that goes…" she informed them.

"Okay, you keep them. I trust you…" Elliot said, he knew his daughter was struggling to keep it together but he needed it done properly, he couldn't go through this again.

"I promise I'll try and get it done as fast as I can and I'll let you know as soon as humanly possible," Melinda reassured them.

It was 7:15 PM and Elliot and Olivia sat in the car park of the Serenade Bar and Grill, her hand in his as he tried to ready himself to see their colleagues.

"We can cancel," Olivia suggested, as Elliot glanced to the clock yet again. "I'm sure the guys will understand."

He rested his head back before rolling it around to face her. "You just want me for yourself, don't you?"

"Wow, you've seen through my plan," she smiled, her hand tenderly caressing his face.

"Well, as great a plan as that is how about we go in and eat, and call it quits early? That okay?" he asked.

"Whatever you want," she reassured him.

"Can you remember that phrase in the future, when we've dealt with things?" he asked.

"Sorry?" she asked.

"Whatever I want … there are many things I want and they all relate to you … well, except for one," he sighed.

"She'll be yours, El," Olivia said, kissing his cheek. "I truly believe she's yours."

"Elliot," called John as Elliot and Olivia entered the bar. John shook his hand firmly before Fin did the same, as their condolences were offered. As the waitress came over to lead them to a table, Elliot placed his hand on the small of Olivia's back, just needing to reassure himself that she was there with him. Only Olivia noticed.

They were seated by a large bay window, overlooking a lit garden and water feature. Olivia and Elliot sat on one side, John and Fin sat on the other, all more than willing to spend longer than required looking out the window at the view. Elliot shifted in his seat a few times, knowing he should have taken up Olivia's offer and cancelled. He wasn't too sure what he was going to say to the men who faced him. Right now he was hurt, confused, bereaved and anxious, and that didn't make for a good dinner companion.

"How's the Edgmont case going?" Olivia asked, taking a sip of her water.

"Slowly," Fin replied, as Elliot shifted once more. "We've got it pinned on the ex."

"Just waiting for the lab results," John added and Elliot just grunted; he knew about that.

By now, Elliot had repositioned himself so his arm touched Olivia's and he finally settled. While he would prefer her to hold his hand, and stroke his head and help him through what was undoubtedly the worst period of his life, he would settle for her arm alongside his, gently brushing together whenever either one moved.

"El?" John called, breaking him from his wanderings.

"Sorry?" he apologised.

"Said what are you drinking tonight?" John repeated, pointing up at the drinks waiter standing next to the table.

"Oh, um … anything strong …" he said.

"Whiskey and soda for the man," John ordered, before requesting his own. As Fin and Olivia ordered John looked back at Elliot, whose eyes were firmly fixed on the table cloth. "Elliot?" He waited for his friend to look up. "After we have this drink, go, you don't need to be here, okay?"

Elliot looked up at him. "It's okay, I appreciate the offer …"

"I know," John began, "but you're struggling being here, aren't you?" Elliot nodded. "Get Liv to take you home."

At the last remark Fin and Olivia turned their attention back to the others. "El, I'm sorry," Fin said. "Shoulda realised this was the last place you'd wanna be. Especially with tomorrow."

"Don't worry about it," Elliot replied. "I think I'm more stressed about today."

"Today?" John questioned. "What happened today?"

Elliot got to his feet. "Just going to the bathroom," he said. "Liv can tell you."

Once he was out of earshot, Olivia related the events of the day.

"Ah fuck, that's not on," hissed Fin. "If she's done it to him twice … god knows what he'll do…"

"I know," Olivia nodded.

"How's he doing, really?" John asked.

"He's absolutely shattered by Eli and terrified about Mo," she replied sadly.

"I bet," said Fin. "How's Mo?"

"Beside herself," Olivia answered.

"I bet," Fin repeated.

"You know," John started slowly. "El and I were on surveillance about four months back and were having a deep and meaningful … anyway I asked about Eli and whether he'd have gone back to her had this not happened and he said no, and that they would probably never married in the first place had it not been for Maureen. If Maureen's not his, everything since has been based on a lie – how do you get over that?" Olivia closed her eyes and sighed, she had no idea.

In the end, Elliot and Olivia stayed for two drinks, before picking up take out and heading to her place. Olivia opened the door; put the bags on the coffee table before going into her room to quickly change into her sweats. When she returned, Elliot was standing by the bureau, her framed photo of herself and Eli at his christening in his shaking hands. She moved to him, her hand gently touching his.

"I have to bury him tomorrow, Liv," he whispered as tears streamed down his face. "I have to watch as they lower a tiny white coffin into the ground and every hope and dream I had for him will be buried with him. And my heart will break because I loved him… so very much." He stopped and took a deep breath. "You know, no parent should have to bury a child and I have to and it's killing me… and he wasn't even mine," he hissed, as he replaced the frame. "Wasn't mine."

Olivia stepped in front of him and held onto him tightly, his arms surrounded her immediately and he buried his face in her hair. "Wasn't mine…" he repeated, his tears endless. "And Maureen … god help me, if she's not mine …"

She ran her hands to his face. "Listen to me, Elliot," she said quietly but firmly. "I know it's hard but try not to think about Mo, okay? If… and it's a big if… if things turn out for the worst then we'll deal with it. But right now there are real things to be concerned with," she said taking his hand and leading him to the sofa. "And the first thing is to get you to eat."

"Liv, I'm not…" he started.

"Hungry, yeah I know. But I also know you've had nothing since the pizza last night, and that's not going to do you any good, is it?" she asked, opening up the containers. He shook his head. "So how about you eat something and make me happy?"

For the first time in a long time he smiled at her. "Thank you," he whispered, kissing her cheek.

"For what?" she asked, padding to the kitchen for drinks.

"For everything," he replied, following her.

"You are more than welcome," she smiled, hugging him. "Now eat."

For a long time after dinner, Elliot and Olivia sat cuddled in the corner of the sofa, chatting about insignificant things; the weather, the police budget, the new guy in forensics, nothing of any consequence.

"What is it, hon?" Olivia said quietly when Elliot fell silent, her hand running along his arm.

"If…" he began slowly, unsure if he wanted to give voice to the thoughts gnawing at his soul. "If she's not mine… if Maureen is not my daughter, I have no idea what I'm going to do. It changes everything about my life … and I don't know how to reconcile that," he said, slowly and deliberately, trying to choose the right words.

"What does it change, El?" Olivia asked, her hand moving to rub his chest.

"Everything," he repeated. "My whole life."

"Tell me," she whispered, her eyes searching his.

"When I was in high school I wanted so much … thought I could do anything, be anything … and then Kathy got pregnant and it was never going to happen." He paused to get his thoughts in order. "God, I was so young and I was about to have a wife and kid … You know, one of the guys back then told me about Pete Raymond, and how he'd been hanging around her one weekend when I was out of town but she said nothing happened and I believed her," he explained. "But it could have been him, timeline fits."

"So far we've only spoken to Maureen about this, don't you think you should speak to Kathy too?" Olivia asked, holding his chin in her palm.

"You reckon she's gonna tell me the truth?" he asked. "She didn't tell me about Eli."

"True," she replied, kissing his cheek.

"Early on I resented Kathy so much, thought I was missing out on all the things my friends were doing… but then I got a bit older and wiser, thanks mainly to the marines, and realised I had a beautiful little girl and wife and I should have considered myself lucky," he said, leaning his head on hers.

"But…" she prompted when he sighed deeply.

He repositioned them on the sofa so Olivia was nestled tightly in his arms.

"If she's not mine … I would hate that, not just for losing Maureen but losing all the hopes and dreams I had all over again. And then there's the thing if she isn't mine and Kathy had told me that back then, then we wouldn't have had Kathleen and the twins and I can't imagine my life without them in it… and well, we know Eli wasn't mine but last week I had five kids, today I have four, it's possible I only have three and if that's the case they should never have been conceived in the first place…" Elliot tugged at Olivia's arm. "I love, loved, all five of them … I don't have much going for me and the kids are, were, my pride and joy. I was a husband, father and cop. I'm no longer a husband, I'm losing my kids left, right and centre and there's nothing left after that."

"You're still a cop," she said quietly.

"Nah, no more … can't do it, Liv," he whispered, tears filling his eyes.

"What?" she gasped, her palm cradling his face. "What do you mean?"

"Can't do it, Liv," he replied.

"Why not?" she asked, her bottom lip quivering as she tried to come to terms with his news.

"I'm supposed to be a detective," he explained in hushed tones, a finger tracing her lips to soothe her. "Couldn't work out the kid wasn't mine…"

"But…" she went to interrupt but he pressed his finger down.

"But nothing… I know all the arguments, Liv, so don't waste your breath," he sighed.

"El, please don't throw away your career right now … if you want to walk away from the job that's your decision, but please don't do it right now … give yourself some time to think things through," Olivia pleaded, moving from his lap to be kneeling in front of him.

"Don't think you get it," he said, dropping his head.

"Get what," she replied, pulling his face back up to meet hers.

"If the worse comes to the worse, I will have lost everything but you …" he began.

"And you'll still have your job if you want it…" she whispered.

"No, I don't want it … we both know we can't stay partners if we're together …" he replied.

"So one of us can transfer …there are a couple of vacancies near …" she interrupted.

"No," he said firmly. "I don't want to transfer."

"Then I will," Olivia volunteered.

"No," he repeated with greater frustration. "I don't want either of us to end up spending days and nights on some investigation and never seeing each other … I couldn't live like that…"

"I'd hate it too but we could manage," Olivia said, gripping onto his shirt.

"I don't want to manage ... I … oh fuck, Liv …" he trailed bursting into tears.

Quickly Olivia clambered back into his lap and held onto him and cried with him. It was clearly evident he was beyond frustrated and confused by the mess his life had become. Nothing was said for a while as they clung to each other in the darkness of the apartment.

"I. Love. You. Elliot," Olivia whispered kissing him between each word. "Whatever you want to do, I'll support you and be here for you, okay, baby?" He nodded and pulled her too him, mumbling something she couldn't quite catch. "What, baby?" she asked pulling back.

"Don't let me go, Livia," he pleaded. "I'm drowning … I'm drowning…" he muttered softly, pulling her back to him. Right now it all seemed too hard and too much so he was clinging to the only lifeline he had - Olivia.

Well prepared to spend the rest of her life on the sofa just holding him, Olivia wrapped herself around him and closed her eyes, listening to his breathing slow down and lose its ragged edge. When she knew he was listening, she reached up and kissed his cheek. "I'll never let you go," she whispered, before resting her head back in the crook of his neck.

**Thanks for reading! Don't forget to review!**


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: They aren't mine ... wish they were.

Long after he had cried himself to sleep, Olivia was still awake, holding to him in the corner of her sofa. When her cell vibrated on the coffee table, she ignored it, not wanting to move and disturb him. When it went off, for the third time in five minutes, she carefully leant over and picked it up to find the caller was Maureen. She flipped open the phone.

"Hey, Mo," she whispered. "How are you, honey?"

"I'm so sorry to call so late," she apologised. Olivia looked at the clock surprised to find it already 2:30 AM.

"That's okay, honey, are you alright?" she asked.

"Mike and I have been sitting downstairs for about an hour now…" she began.

"Maureen, you should have come up," Olivia interjected.

"I wanted to … I want to kiss dad goodnight … you know while he's still my dad … just in case we find out otherwise tomorrow … do you think that's alright?" she rambled.

"I think that's more than alright, I think your dad would love it. Come on up," she said, gently shaking Elliot as she climbed off him.

"Are you sure about dad? I've tried to call him for the past couple of hours and he's not answering," she explained.

"I'm positive," Olivia smiled. "He's phone is on the kitchen bench, on silent … we didn't hear it."

As Maureen made her way up to the apartment with Michael, Elliot went to the bathroom to wash his face and make himself look more presentable than the broken man he felt. He spent the precious few minutes he had trying to steel himself for the arrival of his eldest daughter and took a moment to beg God that he could refer to her the same way for the rest of his life.

He walked out of the bedroom slowly and into Olivia's open arms.

"You going to be okay?" she whispered, running her hands over his back.

"Yeah, I'm good," he said strongly, more to convince himself. "This will be okay."

"Yeah, it will be, El," she replied, pulling back as they heard a knock.

Olivia went to move towards the door but realised Elliot hadn't let go of her hand. She smiled at him and waited til he caught up with her before opening the door.

"Hey, dad," Mo said brightly, belying her red rimmed eyes.

"Hey, Maureen," Elliot replied, moving towards her, his arms outstretched. "Come here, sweetheart," he added when she bit her bottom lip and dropped her head. She rushed to him, wrapping her arms around him tightly. Olivia shut the door behind Michael and took him into the kitchen to give Elliot and Maureen some time to themselves.

"Um, Olivia," Michael began hesitantly. "What do you think the chances are that this will go badly?" he said quietly nodding towards the other room.

"I guess there's always a chance," Olivia started before stopping when Michael started shaking his head furiously.

"Please don't say that," he pleaded. "I have no idea what Mo will do if Mr Stabler's not her father. She's struggling so much; she's done nothing but cry, it's killing her – it's killing me."

Olivia peered around the door to see Elliot and Maureen still standing there in each others arms; she could tell he was talking to her and that she was crying. When the floorboards creaked under her foot, he glanced up at her, a pleading look on his face, as much as he loved his daughter he needed this moment to end before he broke down again and made things worse for them both.

She turned back to Michael. "What are your plans from here?" she asked.

"To take Mo back to my place, she didn't want to go home," he reported. "That's if she'll go with me, she seems pretty set there," he said, looking beyond Olivia.

"I think you should take her now," Olivia said. "Before this overwhelms them both."

"Yeah, good idea," Michael agreed. "So long as you're the one who suggests it. I think she'd kill me if I did." Olivia smiled at the genuine scared expression on his face.

"Okay, Michael," she said.

"Olivia," he said as she went to walk out. "You can call me Mike."

"Well, Mike, I'm Liv. Come on and we'll sort these two out."

Olivia walked over to the pair while Mike hovered in the background, not sure about what he should do. She placed one hand on each of their backs and rubbed gently.

"Now," she said quietly. "I hate to break this up but it's nearly three and you've both got a long day tomorrow and need to sleep."

"But…" Maureen began to protest, holding onto Olivia and leaning into her.

"Mo, you need to let Mike take you home and go to sleep," Olivia whispered, letting go of Elliot to hold onto Maureen. "And you've got to let your dad sleep too, okay?"

"Will you look after him?" she whispered. "Take care of him?"

"I will, honey, and you let Mike take care of you, okay?" she whispered in reply.

"Mmmha," she nodded, stifling a sob.

"Now, say goodnight to your dad and we'll see you tomorrow," Olivia instructed gently.

Maureen pulled back from Olivia sniffling. "Night, daddy," she whispered, kissing his cheek.

"Night, baby," he replied, hugging her briefly.

Elliot watched his daughter move through the door and even after Olivia had closed and locked it, he still stared at the wood. Thinking… Hoping…Praying… Olivia moved back to him, placing her hands on his face and redirecting his attention back to her.

"Bed," she said firmly, sliding her hands down to his hands and pulling him with her as she led him to her bedroom.

When they were both in bed, Elliot shifted again and again until Olivia was nearly laying on top of him, her head resting on his chest, her body wrapped around his.

"She's mine, Liv," he said confidently. "I know she is."

Wanting Elliot to go to sleep with that thought in his head, Olivia said nothing else, but held a bit tighter and kissed his chest and soon they both drifted off.

Morning came around too quickly and as Olivia begun to stir she became aware she was in bed alone. She lay still, trying to gain an awareness of where Elliot may be. No sounds could be heard so she climbed out and headed out to the living room expecting to find him there, he wasn't. A quick search of the apartment revealed he wasn't anywhere, yet his phone still sat on the kitchen bench.

Before she could work herself into any state, the door opened suddenly and he stood there in his sweats, saturated from the rain and his gruelling run, his hands on his hips as he tried to catch his breath. Olivia retrieved a towel from the bathroom before going to him.

"What time did you leave?" she asked, closing the door behind him.

"Don't know," he mumbled, as she started to towel dry his hair.

"You should have woken me, I would have come with you," Olivia said quietly.

"Nah, it's wet out there," he said as he peeled his tee off.

"Didn't stop you," she said, rubbing the towel around his body.

"Well, you know what they say, no sense, no feeling," he replied giving a self deprecating laugh.

Olivia stepped back and studied him, she knew it wasn't a case of 'no feeling' more a case of feeling too much.

"Did it help?" she asked as he leant on her and toed off his trainers.

"Nope," he said shaking his head.

"Why don't you get out of these?" she said, pulling on his sweat pants. "And have a shower to warm up?"

"Yeah," he sighed, moving past her.

"Elliot," she called tugging his arm. He stopped but didn't look back. "El?" Slowly he turned back to her, tears filling his eyes, he wasn't up for any deep conversation and Olivia knew it. "Coffee?"

He nodded, and smiled thankfully, knowing it wasn't what she was going to say at all.

Glancing at the clock every few minutes, Olivia watched and listened for Elliot to emerge from the bathroom, but it was to no avail. As the minute hand neared twelve she knew she had to intrude as they now had only ninety minutes to get ready and be at his house in Queens so he could travel in the mourning car with his family to the service.

Rapping quietly on her own bedroom door, Olivia eased it open when she heard a faint 'come in'.

"Your room, Liv, don't need to knock," he said, sitting on the edge of her bed, staring at the carpet.

She moved across to him and gently placed her hands on his shoulders. "Need anything?" she asked, before skimming one hand up his neck and into his hair. He sighed deeply and forced his head up so he could look at her.

"Can you kiss me and make it all go away?" he whispered, moving his hands to her waist.

"I can sure try," Olivia whispered in reply, bending down and gently brushing her lips against his.

With both her hands holding onto his head, she tilted her head to the right before tenderly kissing him, willingly moving with him as he tugged her closer and sat her on his knee. Before the kiss became deeper he pulled back.

"Please make it better, Liv," he begged quietly.

"I'm doing my best, baby," she soothed. "We're just going to take this one thing at a time, okay?"

He nodded. "I just want it all to be over…"

"I know, El, I know," she cooed, kissing his head.

"Is it possible to drive yourself crazy?" he asked, his hand gripping hers.

"Yeah, it is," she nodded, cupping his chin in her hand. "You need to stop doing that, Elliot," she said gently but firmly.

"I know, but it's so hard," he protested. "I just … I just…"

Olivia cupped his face once more. "Elliot, I know your life has been upended and you are struggling to know which way is up, but we can work through this, okay? We'll just deal with one thing at a time and the first thing is Eli's funeral … when that's over, we'll face the next one. Okay?"

"I can do this," Elliot nodded, as they stood up. "One thing at a time … I can do this."

"We, El, _we_ can do this," Olivia reminded him, he looked at her with doubt. "You will let me help you, won't you?" He nodded and kissed her cheek.

**Thanks for reading! Don't forget to review!**


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: They aren't mine ... wish they were. Neither are the songs and prayer - some formating differences.

The sky was dark and laden with storm clouds as mourners gathered outside St Mary's Church. The morning showers had left everything wet and glistening and the wind had picked up, chilling them. Olivia parked her car and sighed in relief when she saw Don, Fin and John were already there. There were a lot of things she didn't want to be doing today and attending Eli's funeral was one of them, however, if she had to do it she was glad they were all there together.

"Hey, Liv," John called, waving her over to them.

"Hey," she replied, smile half heartedly at them.

"You look exhausted, Liv," Fin observed. "You get any sleep?"  
She shook her head. "Not much."

"How are things?" Don asked quietly, knowing Kathy's family were standing nearby.

Olivia exhaled deeply and loudly. "That good, hey?" Fin asked and when she nodded, he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and kissed her head.

Olivia's eyes drifted to the black mourning car as it pulled into the driveway. Elliot climbed out first followed by the four children and Kathy. It didn't take a detective to figure out it had been a difficult trip in.

"Liv," Michael said quietly from behind her, startling her.

"Oh, Mike," she recovered turning around.

"Sorry, didn't mean to surprise you," he apologised, glancing at the three men who now seemed to be overly interested in him.

"That's okay. Mike, these are colleagues of Elliot's and mine." She introduced them all and Mike shook their hands as they exchanged pleasantries.

"How were things last night, or rather this morning?" Olivia asked as Michael came to stand beside her.

"Okay," he replied cautiously. "She slept for most of it."

"That's good," Olivia replied, patting his arm.

"Yeah, until I got this." He pulled out his cell and opened the message Maureen had sent him not ten minutes before and handed it to Olivia.

_I better be my dad's b/c my mom's a total bitch and I hate her._

Olivia looked over to the Stabler clan as they moved among friends and family heading into the church. Maureen was holding her dad's hand with one hand and Lizzie with the other. She smiled at Elliot when he caught her eye; she saw relief wash over him as he headed towards her.

Hugging the girls as Elliot was greeted by the squad, Maureen hung onto Olivia long after she'd let go.

"How are you doing?" Olivia whispered, as Maureen rested her head on Olivia's shoulder.

"My mom's a fucking bitch and I hate her," she seethed, her nails digging into Olivia's skin.

"What happened?" she whispered, trying to diffuse the situation before the service began.

"When you dropped dad off, mom said she was glad he stopped screwing you long enough to make it to the funeral…" she whispered, knowing her dad was nearby. "I mean, god, Liv, she's the one fucking around, she's the one that destroyed his life and she's still being a total fucking bitch. I hate her so much."

Elliot looked over as Maureen's voice rose and saw Olivia trying to quiet her.

"Maureen, honey, look at me," she instructed as Maureen began to lose herself in the emotions of the moment. "You need to calm down. You need to forget about your mother…"

"Forget? Forget?" she exclaimed drawing stares from those around. "Can you forget about my mother?"

"For now …" Olivia whispered, drawing her closer. "Right now, this is about Eli and no one else. It's not about you and it's not about your dad and it's not about your mom … it's about Eli."

Maureen nodded slowly. "Sorry, Liv," she apologised. "But when it's over….?"

"Then we deal with your mother."

When Michael saw the tension had dissipated he came over to them, and slipped his arm around Maureen's waist. The mourners moved into the church and as Mike led Maureen away, Olivia felt a hand on her arm. She turned to hug Elliot as he stood alongside Don.

"Is Mo okay?" he whispered, as he held onto her.

"She will be," Olivia reassured him.

"She tell you about Kathy?" he asked, wanting to have this conversation now as it afforded him more time in her arms.

"Yeah," she nodded before pulling back. "Time to go in," she said, smiling sadly at him and pushing him gently into the church.

From the foyer of the church, Olivia looked down the aisle and found it reminiscent of a wedding. The custom for funeral services was for the mourners to mingle, no assigned seating. However it was clear in this church that the traditional groom's side, at a wedding, was filled with Elliot's extended family, friends and colleagues, whereas the bride's side had Kathy, her family, Kathleen and the twins. She couldn't help but smile at this obvious show of support for Elliot with the news of Eli's paternity.

Maureen and Mike had stopped mid aisle to talk to Mike's parents, as Don, Fin and John moved past them to the front pews, where Casey and Melinda, who had come in late through the side door, were sitting.

She watched as Elliot stopped and waited for Maureen before moving to the front of the church. Walking to the side aisle, Olivia moved to the front pew and sat next to Don, picking up the reading she would be giving once again It was the same one which she had read at his christening, the same one read at every Stabler christening. Busy scanning the copy in her hand she was surprised yet again when Michael seemingly appeared from nowhere.

"Do you mind if I sit with you, Liv?" he asked, glancing at the empty places.

"Of course not," she smiled.

"Just … well …" he stammered.

"It's okay, Mike, sit," she replied, gesturing to the wooden bench.

A group of Lizzie's friends from choir moved to the side of the altar. With the voices of angels they began to sing Eli's favourite lullaby as two of the funeral directors wheeled his tiny white casket, with colourful daisies atop, to the front of the altar.

Twinkle, twinkle little star,

How I wonder what you are.

Up above the world so high

Like a diamond in the sky.

Twinkle, twinkle little star

How I wonder what you are.

It wasn't the original song they had planned to sing, that had been 'Daddy's Little Boy', the same song Elliot sang to his youngest son each night. However, given the change in circumstances, another song had been selected.

Kathy and Elliot had opted for the funeral service only and not the full mass, knowing it would be extremely difficult to prolong the pain of this day any further. When Father McCabe called on Olivia she closed her eyes briefly. She was not a religious person; some days she truly believed there wasn't even a God. But today was not about her, it was about the darling boy she had witnessed coming into the world and this prayer was about love and it was for him, and for Elliot.

Olivia stood at the lectern, not daring to look at anybody else. The only way to get through was to focus solely on the words in front of her, the same words she had spoken at Eli's christening, never imagining she would ever say them at his funeral only months later.

"1I may speak in tongues of men or of angels, but if I am without love, I am a sounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2I may have the gift of prophecy, and know every hidden truth; I may have faith strong enough to move mountains; but if I have no love, I am nothing. 3I may dole out all I posses, or even give my body to be burnt,**a** but if I have no love, I am none the better.  
Love is patient; love is kind and envies no one. Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; 5never selfish, not quick to take offence. 6Love keeps no score of wrongs; does not gloat over other men's sins, but delights in the truth. 7There is nothing love can not face; there is no limit to its faith, its hope, and its endurance.  
8Love will never come to an end. Are there prophets? Their work will be over. Are there tongues of ecstasy? They will cease. Is there knowledge? It will vanish away; 9for our knowledge and our prophecy are partial, 10and the partial vanishes when wholeness comes. 11When I was a child, my speech, my outlook, and my thoughts were all childish. When I grew up, I had finished with childish things. 12Now we see only puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we shall see face to face. My knowledge now is partial; then it will be whole, like God's knowledge of me.

13In a word, there are three things that last forever: faith, hope, and love; but the greatest of them all is love."

When she finished, she wiped away the tears on her cheek before moving to kiss the coffin. Finally, looking back to her pew, she was surprised to see Maureen sitting next to Michael, she hadn't noticed the movement.

Kathy's brother, then Elliot's sister offered prayers before the time came for the eulogy. Rather than deliver it himself, as originally planned, Elliot had spoken to Father McCabe and allowed the priest to compose his own words. As the priest spoke, Elliot sat rigid at the end of the pew; Dickie was sitting near him, not knowing how to comfort his father while in his own pain. Olivia's heart broke, it took all her self control not to go over and wrap her arms around him and never let go.

Before the priest could complete his words of comfort, Maureen stood up and tugged Michael with her as she moved to Father McCabe. A few words were exchanged before they headed to the lectern. As Michael adjusted the microphone, Maureen beckoned her siblings over and whispered to them. Elliot turned to Olivia who could only shrug, she had no idea what was happening.

It was Michael who spoke. "Most of you would now be aware of … well, you'd know how things changed this week … and not just with Eli's passing. It's not for me to talk about that but Maureen and the kids just wanted to do this… and … um … well…Mr Stabler… they wanted this song to be sung today…"

Although their voices were thick with tears and out of tune, Elliot's children stood together and sang the song he had crooned to them on countless occasions over their lives, just changing the gender as it suited, by the fourth line the girls from choir had joined them.

You're an angel from heaven

Sent down from above

Your daddy's little boy

To have and to love.

Boy of mine, you're a fine little laddy

You're the world to your daddy

You're a good little soldier who always obeys

You bring me happiness in so many ways.

You're as cute as a toy

You're my pride and joy

And your daddy's

Little boy.

You're my proudest possession,

Angel from above

You're all the precious things

The dreams are made of.

When you grow up like me

You'll still always be

Just your daddy's

Little boy...

As the last word echoed through the church there was not a dry eye to be seen. Kathleen led her siblings to their father, each hugging and kissing him before sitting with him, Lizzie on his knee. Olivia smiled; this is what he needed more than anything. As the service concluded, and adjourned to the adjacent graveyard, Eric Clapton's song played through the church and grounds, ensuring more tears were shed.

Would you know my name  
If I saw you in heaven  
Will it be the same  
If I saw you in heaven  
I must be strong, and carry on  
Cause I know I don't belong  
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand  
If I saw you in heaven  
Would you help me stand  
If I saw you in heaven  
I'll find my way, through night and day  
Cause I know I just can't stay  
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down  
Time can bend your knee  
Time can break your heart  
Have you begging please  
Begging please

Beyond the door  
There's peace I'm sure.  
And I know there'll be no more...  
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name  
If I saw you in heaven  
Will it be the same  
If I saw you in heaven  
I must be strong, and carry on  
Cause I know I don't belong  
Here in heaven

Cause I know I don't belong  
Here in heaven

xx

Ignoring any thought that it may not be the right time and place; Elliot sought out Olivia as soon as they were on the front steps. She slipped one arm around his body as the other cradled his head to hers, his tears dripping down her cheek, mingling with her own.

"Nearly there, honey," she whispered, pulling tighter to him.

"Mmmmha," he nodded, not daring to speak.

"You're doing okay," she assured him, trying to give him the strength to get through the burial.

"God, I hate this song," he mumbled, as he moved back swiping at his face. "I mean… how the hell is a five month old ever gonna remember me?"

"He will, El, he will. We always remember the important things …" she soothed, as Maureen came over to them.

Olivia embraced her. "That was a wonderful thing to do," she praised, before brushing Maureen's hair back.

"I just thought dad needed to hear it," she said as Elliot moved closer to them.

"I did, Mo … I did," he said, hugging them both. He could deal with his daughter right now, as long as Olivia was there too.

"You were his daddy, dad," she whispered, as Olivia rubbed her back. "Regardless of anything else. Just like you'll always be mine, right?" she asked.

"That's right, I'll always be yours."

Instead of letting go, Elliot held onto both Olivia and Maureen as they headed into the adjacent grave yard. Don walked behind them and knew he had a vacancy coming up in his squad. It wasn't him holding her, it wasn't the words she whispered as they walked along and it wasn't even her tender caresses as she brushed away his tears. It was the way Elliot looked at her, she was clearly the only thing he needed and although he had seen variations of it in the past, today it was blatantly obvious and there was no attempt by him to hide it or deny it.

**Thanks for reading! Don't forget to review!**

**AN: Olivia's reading: 1 Corinithians 13**

**Daddy's Little Boy by Eddy Arnold**

**Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: They aren't mine ... wish they were.**

Back at the house, Olivia hid out in the yard playing with the envelope Melinda had given her twenty minutes ago before she darted off to a crime scene. Melinda had given no indication as to the results which had terrified Olivia and as someone came out to the yard she shoved the envelope into her pocket.

"It's only me, Liv," Don said, sitting down on the ledge beside her.

"Hi," she sighed and tried to pull herself together.

"How are you doing?" he asked, slipping his arm around her and holding her as she fought to stop the tears.

"Got an easier question?" she muttered, resting her head on his.

"Yeah, I do," he replied. "Do you love him?" She nodded. "He love you?" She nodded again. "Good, I'm glad."

Even when the rain began to drizzle yet again, Don and Olivia sat there; little was said.

"Hey, boss," Fin said coming out the door. "Oh, sorry, didn't mean to disturb…"

"It's okay, Fin," Olivia said, sitting up and beckoning him over.

"What's up?" asked Don, as Fin moved to stand in front of them.

"Just wondering when you wanted to go…" he said, the men had all come together.

"How long have we been here?" Olivia asked, having lost all sense of time.

"Two hours … give or take," he replied. "What are your plans?"

She shook her head. "I want to do the best thing for everyone … but…"

"I'd say El's about ready to go … he was searching everywhere for you about five minutes ago…" Fin offered.

Slowly, Olivia pulled the envelope from her pocket and looked between the two men.

"You think he's ready for whatever this holds?"

"Melinda?" Don questioned and Olivia nodded. "Did she say?" Olivia shook her head.

"I thought you'd abandoned me," John said appearing on the back steps. "Liv, you… um… I think you need to …"

"Where?" Olivia asked, standing up and putting the envelope into her pocket.

"Maureen's room," he answered.

"Is it Elliot or Mo?" she asked, climbing the steps.

"It's…" he began.

"Oh, Liv, there you are," said Michael opening the back door. "Can you go to…"

"Maureen's room?" she supplied.

"Yeah, how did you know?" he asked, looking at the men.

"I'm a detective," she smiled. She stopped at the back door to look back at Don. "Thanks," she mouthed.

.

The number of people in the house had dwindled by the time Olivia made her way up to Maureen's bedroom, Michael trailing behind her.

"You think you can get her to stop crying?" he asked as Olivia went to open the door.

"Yeah … or make it worse," she whispered. "I have the results in my pocket."

"Oh god," he groaned. He wanted this to be over but he wasn't ready for what might come if things went bad. "You going to do this here?"

"No, I think we get as much distance between them and this place, just in case," she said.

"We?" he echoed.

"Yeah, you ready to go?" she asked and he nodded. "We won't tell them I have the results just yet. You take Mo, I'll take El and we'll meet at my place, okay?"

"Yeah, sounds like a plan, Stan … Olivia… sorry, it's just a thing Mo says all the time…" Michael apologised, he didn't know what his problem was. Usually he was confident and self assured but around Olivia and Elliot he was a wreck.

Opening the door, Olivia found Maureen laying face down on her bed, crying into her pillow whilst Elliot sat on the floor beside her, his hand holding hers. His head resting on the dresser behind him, his eyes closed.

"Hey," Olivia said quietly. "Can I come in?"

"Sure," he smiled wearily, opening his eyes.

"How are you guys doing?" she asked as she sat on the bed and rubbed Maureen's back. Maureen muttered something into the pillow and Elliot shrugged.

"I think…" she began slowly, "that I'm going to go home and I wanted to know if you wanted to come with me."

"Yes, please," Elliot answered quietly, it was enough to get Maureen to roll over and face them.

"You're not leaving me here alone are you?" she asked, sitting up staring at her dad.

"Course not, Mo," Olivia answered for him. "Mike's here and you're more than welcome to come over too. Maybe we can just hang out … maybe order pizza or Chinese. I know none of us has eaten much today. How does that sound?"

Maureen nodded gratefully. She'd had enough of this day, this house and the people milling around below.

.

It took Elliot twenty minutes to get to the front door of the house as his twins were reluctant to let him go but he promised them they would spend the following day together and that consoled them. After saying goodbye to various friends, relatives and their colleagues, Elliot and Olivia made it to the door before Kathy stopped them.

"I'll be in the car," Olivia said, not even looking at Kathy.

"Elliot, I'm sorry for what I said this morning…I never …" she began.

"Save it, Kathy. I'm not interested in your apologies … your excuses or you…" he hissed.

"Please, Elliot, you have to know…" she protested grabbing his arm.

Quickly he broke her grip. "The only thing I have to know at this point is whether Maureen's mine or not … got an answer for me?" he spat.

"She's yours," Kathy whimpered. "I know she's yours."

"And is that like Eli was or not? I mean is there any chance and I mean any chance she's not mine either?" he said, pointing to his eldest daughter.

Kathy sobbed. "I'm so sorry, El…there's a chance… only a tiny one …"

"You fucking bitch…" he seethed, his ability to think beyond his own anger and to conduct himself in a more suitable manner, given the occasion, gone.

"El, please believe me when I…" she began.

"Believe you," he scoffed. "You want me to believe you? You have a fucking nerve," he yelled, not caring they were now the centre of attention. "First, I find out that my youngest child is not mine and now you agree there's a chance the eldest one's not either," he continued yelling. "What about the other three? Are they mine or have you been fucking around the whole time we've been together?"

Her choking sobs took her voice and it was her brother, Walt, who came to intervene. "Look, Elliot, I think you should go before this gets out of hand," he said wrapping an arm around Kathy.

"Before it gets out of hand?" Elliot retorted. "Think that happened a long time ago."

"I know you're upset…" he soothed.

"I don't give a fuck about what you know…" he spat, grabbing the door knob.

"Dad," called Dickie from the kitchen doorway. Elliot stopped and turned to him, as angry as he was with Kathy he couldn't take it out on his kids.

"Yes, son," he said pointedly. "I can call him that, can't I, Kathy?" he hissed, she just sobbed.

"We can still see you tomorrow, can't we?" he asked, his chin quivering.

"Course you can," he said, moving from the door and hugging him tightly. "I love you, Dickie," he whispered, kissing the boy's head.

"Love you too, dad," he replied, holding onto him for a little longer.

After kissing and hugging Liz and Kathleen, Elliot spoke quietly to Maureen who was just stunned by the whole exchange. When he opened the door, he was surprised to see Olivia standing there in tears. She had heard everything.

"Get me out of here," he spat, grabbing her hand and dragging her towards the car.

"El," she protested as she lost her footing.

"What?" he hissed wheeling around.

"Hey! It's me you're talking to," she reminded him.

"Sorry," he said, shaking his head.

"I know you're wound up but, if you don't loosen your hold on me, you'll break a bone," she said, looking down at the vice like grip he had on her hand.

"Oh god, Liv, I'm so sorry," he said, pulling her hand up to his chest and rubbing it. "Did I hurt you?"

"It's okay …at least I can still manage to drive," she smiled but he saw no humour in it.

Olivia moved into him, draping her arms around his shoulders. "I am going to take you home and hold you forever, that alright with you?"

"More than alright," he said kissing her head. "I'm so sorry about…"

"Don't apologise, baby," she whispered. "I understand."

.

Olivia had barely managed to close her apartment door behind her when Elliot embraced her tightly. He dropped his head, nuzzling into the crook of her neck, and just held her. There were no tears, no words, no caresses; he just held her and breathed a little easier when she held him back.

"Can I get you something?" she whispered to him. "Coffee? Beer? Whiskey?"

"Got everything I need right here," he mumbled, his breath tickling her neck.

"You want to move to the sofa or…" she trailed as she felt him shake his head. "Okay," she whispered and just continued to hold him as closely and as tightly as he was holding her.

Minutes past … two… five….ten, before he finally pulled back.

"God, I'm glad today's over," he whispered, leaning his forehead on hers, his fingers lacing through hers.

"You hanging in there?" she replied in hushed tones, gently swinging their arms.

"Yeah …" he sighed, his breath moving her hair. "Glad it's just you and me now."

The words were barely out of his mouth when the buzzer sounded.

"That'll be Maureen and Michael," she said, a new edge to her voice before pulling away to let them up.

"Was there another reason you asked them here?" he questioned, moving with her to the door before leaning on it wearily.

"Mike and I chatted before we went into Mo's room, agreed to bring you both back here," she admitted, chewing on her bottom lip.

"Why?" he asked, pulling her closer to him.

"Mel gave me an envelope with the results when she got called to the job … thought you two would rather do this here, away from everyone…" she acknowledged, caressing his face tenderly noting just how much he'd aged in one week.

"Did she … I mean, was there any indication … you know…when she…" he stumbled.

"No, baby," she said gently, "she didn't."

"Do they know you have the results?" he asked, knocking his head on the door.

"Mike does but not Mo … and I doubt he would have told her," Olivia said leaning on him.

Elliot closed his eyes as tears burned his eyelids. He was not going to cry, not now, not again. Right at this point he didn't know if there was anything to cry about … well, he knew there was but he didn't know if they would be happy tears or not … and at this very moment, as his heart clenched and his stomach churned, he wasn't sure if he was ready to find out.

His eyes fluttered opened as Olivia's soft, full lips brushed against his, delicately trying to extract his pain. "You ready for this?" she asked, her hand snaking behind his neck and cradling his head.

"Can you ever be ready?" he croaked, the nervous thumping in his chest resounding in his ears.

"We don't have to do this tonight," she continued. "Mo doesn't know, so we can wait … until you're up to it." Her fingers played through his hair.

"Don't know if that day will ever come, Livia," he sighed, kissing her ear.

Any further discussion was curtailed by the knocking on the door behind him. Olivia gently tugged him forward as her other hand found the doorknob. A raised eyebrow and a certain tilt of her head and he nodded, he was as ready as he ever would be.

"Hey Maureen, Michael, come on in," Olivia said, sliding her arm around Elliot's waist as she pulled the door open.

"Thanks for asking us over, Liv," Maureen replied. "Really didn't want to be anywhere else."

"Well, you're always welcome here, both of you," she said with a smile, gesturing towards the sofa. "Can I get you anything? Coffee? Something stronger?"

Maureen caught the look exchanged between Michael and Olivia before the subtle look she gave Elliot.

"Something tells me I'm going to need something stronger," she sighed, slumping onto the sofa.

"I'll get them," offered Elliot, letting go of Olivia and heading to the kitchen, glad for this slight reprieve from the inevitability of the results.

"So, you know?" Maureen asked, as Olivia sat on the arm of the nearby chair.

"Not yet, honey, but we will in a minute," she replied, pulling the folded envelope from her pocket.

"Did…did Melinda say anything?" she stammered, as Michael settled on the sofa next to her.

"No, Maureen, she just gave it to me when she had to go," she said, smiling at Elliot as he came in with the first two glasses. He handed one to Maureen and one to Michael before getting the other two.

Handing Olivia hers, he smiled nervously, before sitting down on the other side of his daughter. Closing his eyes he breathed in deeply, two, three, four times, taking in what could well be his last few moments as the father of the young woman sitting next to him.

"Whatever they say, you'll always be my dad," Maureen whispered, kissing his cheek, bringing him out of his contemplation.

"You ready for this?" he asked her, his deep blue, tear filled eyes looking back at him.

"Nope," she shrugged, "but let's do it anyway."

Olivia moved over and sat on the coffee table in front of them, offering them the much anticipated envelope. Elliot and Maureen glanced at each other before looking back at Olivia.  
"Want me to do it?" she offered, as she watched Elliot take hold of his daughter's hand. They nodded in unison. She couldn't help but smile at the matching blue eyes reflecting the same emotions. It may not be as conclusive as DNA but she knew Elliot's eyes as well as she knew her own, and they were the ones she saw on Maureen's face.

Slowly, she tore the end from the envelope and carefully pulled out the folded sheet of paper it contained. As she unfolded it, she glanced up at the three members of her captive audience, and took a deep breath.

"Okay," she breathed. "It says …"

Elliot could hear her talking, he could see her lips move and could follow her eyes as they scanned the words which could change his life. What he couldn't do was mesh all three things to figure out what she was saying. Intently, he studied her face, trying to see if any semblance of emotion was registering; was she happy? Sad? Disappointed? Relieved?

But nothing was happening.

"Oh, thank god, daddy!" He heard his daughter exclaim excitedly before she dropped her glass and flung her arms around her father … daddy… daddy ...thank god … excited … it was beginning to register. "Breathe, daddy," she giggled. "It's all good. I'm yours."

"You're mine," he mumbled trying to take it in. "I know you're mine, honey," he recovered, "I know. I love you so much, Maureen." He kissed her head repeatedly. "I love you, honey."

"Love you too, dad," she whispered, hugging him tightly.

The stress of the day and the relief of the outcome had drained Maureen completely as she slumped exhaustedly onto his chest. Elliot gently caressed her face before brushing her hair back.  
"I'll just clean up this," Olivia said quietly, moving to pick up Maureen's discarded glass.

"Sorry, Liv," she muttered, moving to help.

"No, stay there with your father," she grinned, merely at the knowledge she could use that term accurately. "Mike will help, won't you?" she added, as he stood up.

"Sure will." Michael kissed his girlfriend's head before offering his hand to Elliot.

"I'm glad it turned out this way, Mr Stabler," he said, shaking Elliot's hand.

"Me too," Elliot replied, kissing his daughter's head again.

Olivia returned from the kitchen with paper towel to soak up the pooled liquid.

"I'll get it, Liv," Michael offered, taking the towel from her and dabbing the whiskey.

"I'm so happy," Olivia grinned, leaning in to kiss the tired and weary heads of father and daughter. Neither of them spoke but the smiles she got in return spoke volumes.

The next hour drifted by with idle chatter from tired voices. Olivia checked the time and sighed deeply, it was only 4:00 PM, still a long time before bed.

"I don't know about anybody else," she started, "but I'm exhausted."  
"Mmm, me too," Maureen moaned, still leaning on her father.

"Well, given no one has had much sleep in the last few days, what's say we grab a couple of hours sleep and then sort out dinner later?"

"Sounds good to me," yawned Michael, stretching in the arm chair.

"Yeah," nodded Elliot, kissing his daughter's head as she extracted herself from the sofa.

Maureen got to her feet and embraced Olivia warmly.

"Thank you Livvy," she whispered. "For looking after _my _dad."

"My pleasure," she whispered in response, watching the man in question stand up and yawn.

"We'll go so you can get some sleep," Maureen said, rubbing a hand across her heavy eyes.

"Don't be silly," she replied, slipping her arm around the younger woman's back and leading her towards the guestroom. "You and Mike can sleep in here."

"What about dad?" she asked as Olivia opened the door.

"He … um … he can sleep in my bed," she replied, not sure if Maureen was ready for the change in her father's relationship with his partner.

"No, not that …I mean, he and mom were really strict about not having boys in our rooms or sleeping over," Maureen whispered, stealing a look back to her father.

"Well, this is my home and you're an adult. Anyway, if you're as exhausted as me nothing is going to happen," she smiled, ushering her into the room.

"It's beautiful, Liv," she said, taking in the bright and floral room in front of her.

"Go sleep," she said, kissing Maureen's head. "Mike," she called, turning back. "This is your room too."

Michael's eyes darted between the room and Elliot. He had dated Maureen for long enough to know the rules enforced in the house in Queens. It didn't matter that Maureen was twenty four and responsible, her parents had firm ideas of what went on under their roof and lying in bed with one of their daughters was a definite no.

"Come on," Olivia encouraged. "It's not a problem."

"You sure? I mean I can take the sofa … oh no, of course, that's where you'll be, Mr Stabler. I can stay in the armchair…" he stumbled.

"It's okay, Mike, go," Elliot finally said, knowing his daughter needed Michael as much as he needed Olivia. "And call me Elliot."

"Yes, sir, thank you, Mr … Elliot," he said, shaking Elliot's hand and heading towards the guest room.

When Olivia had made sure they had everything they needed, she closed the door and looked towards Elliot who hadn't moved.

"So," she grinned. "You gonna take the sofa or want to go in there with me?" she asked tilting her head in the direction of her bedroom.

"Do you even have to ask?" he smiled wearily, moving towards her.

"Well, you seem to have strong ideas about who can share rooms," she smiled, taking his arm as he approached her.

"Only when it comes to my daughters," he whispered, walking to her room.

"Your daughters… must feel good to say that," she said, opening her door. He grinned widely as she closed the door. "So how are you really feeling, right now?"

"Good…sorta."

Elliot headed towards the bed. He toed off his shoes before undoing his tie and throwing it on her chair. He untucked his shirt before unbuttoning it and tossing it as well. Unbuckling his belt, he shed his trousers, draping them over the back of the chair. It was only then he turned back to find Olivia still standing in the same place, watching him.

"You wanna explain 'good…sorta'?" she questioned as he stood before her in black silk boxers and a white beater.

"You wanna get undressed and I'll tell you in bed?" he yawned, his head and body screaming for sleep.

As he climbed into bed, Olivia stripped out of her outfit before pulling on a lilac nightie over her bra and panties. Slowly, almost painfully, he opened his eyes.

"A nightie?" he questioned with a raised eyebrow, having missed the unveiling of her body. "You could have stayed in your underwear, like me."

"One thing at a time," she whispered, climbing in and nestling into him. He wrapped one arm around her as she settled her head on his chest; the fingers of his free hand, entwining with hers. He lifted their joined hands and kissed hers before placing them on his heart. "Good…sorta," she prompted when nothing came.

"You know how I think the whole multiple personalities thing is a load of crap?" he began quietly, resting his chin on top of her head.

"Aha," she murmured, squeezing his hand reassuringly.

"Might have to rethink it," he continued his voice heavy with fatigue.

"Why's that?" she asked, willing herself to stay awake for the conversation.

"'Cause at the moment I feel like there are four of me and I'm finding it really hard to keep them all in line," he admitted.

"Four?" Olivia questioned, she could account for two.

"Aha," he sighed, "four."

"Tell me," she replied. She tried to sit up but he held her tighter so she just settled in his arms once more.

"Well," he began slowly. "I'm Maureen's father and I'm ecstatic about that … I want to go to the roof and yell it to the city and celebrate it…"  
"You can do that," Olivia cooed, pulling gently on his beater.

"But then there's being Eli's father, or not being, and that kills me. It's hard enough knowing I wasn't his real dad but I had to bury him today… DNA aside, I had to bury my son, Liv … my baby … he was so beautiful… I'd look at him and think this was God saying to me I had a second chance … that He was giving me Eli so I could do for him what I couldn't with the others … you know … be there for him … not spend countless hours at the precinct … And now he's gone and there's this huge hole …not only in my heart but in my soul … in my life … and I want to curl into a ball and just cry," he admitted, surprising himself that he was being so open with Olivia.

"You can do that too, baby," she soothed, her hand rubbing his chest.

Olivia fought back her tears, she had known he was torn between the two… celebrating the relationship with one child, mourning another and trying to do it in unison. What she didn't know was the other two 'personalities' to which he had referred.

"Then," he continued of his own accord. "Then there's this whole thing with Kathy…and I hate her so much right now … I didn't realise it was possible to hate someone you once loved so much. She knew … and that's what kills me … she knew there was a strong chance he wasn't mine and not only does she not tell me, she names the goddamned kid after me. It makes a fucking joke of his whole life … lie after lie - his conception, his name, his life … and mine."

This time, Olivia did move and reposition herself onto his chest, holding his face in her hands.

"I'm so sorry," she soothed as he gave into the tears he was battling.

"And then…then… then…" he stuttered, needing to get it all out, needing to clear his head of the convoluted mess which had been swirling for days.

"Then what, honey?" she encouraged as he shook his head from side to side. "What?"

"The fourth one … is you…" he trailed, finally bringing his eyes to meet with hers.

"Me?" she asked breathlessly.

"I love you …" he whispered.

"Me too," she replied, now scared as hell.

"No," he shook his head, his brow furrowing.

"I don't love you?" she asked, pulling his face back to hers.

"No…no… you do … I meant … oh, shit…" He rolled his head back and shut his eyes, trying to remember he had to breathe.

Olivia massaged his temples and waited for his eyes to open once more.

"Start again," she encouraged when he finally looked at her.

"With Mo, I feel like I'm going to explode with happiness…with Eli, I want to …well, you know," he began slowly. Olivia nodded. "With Kathy I feel so much hate and disappointment and with you … I'm consumed with this aching need … this love … and …um…and regret…"

"Regret?" she echoed, her heart constricting.

"Yeah, regret … that I ever stayed with her that night, that any of this happened," he whispered.

"You regret me for that?" she asked, her brow furrowing.

"I regret that I have wasted so much time when it comes to you. I've been in love with you for a long time, Livia," he admitted, swiping his thumb across her cheek to remove her tears. "A_ long_ time … and through the separation I let myself think that maybe, just maybe, you thought the same way … and then I fucked it all up that night …and…"

"I can't do anything about the past, El," she whispered, gently kissing away his tears. "But I'm here now … I'm with you … I'm in love with you … please don't regret me…"

"It's not you I regret, I could never regret you … I regret not being with you … sooner …" his voice was lost as her lips claimed his.

"Then let's not waste any more time," she muttered into his mouth.

**Thanks for reading! Don't forget to review!**

**This is the end of the first instalment, there'll be a second part which picks up 12 months later. I'll start posting that in a couple of weeks. As a thank you to those who have reviewed each chapter, i'll include a preview in my review reply.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: They are not mine.  
**

**Continuance .... 12 months later**

The year since Eli's death had been a long and difficult one for all concerned. Elliot had tried to pull all the fractured parts of his life together and, for the most part, had succeeded.

Rather than go for the pretence of trying to live alone again, Elliot had stayed the night of the funeral at Olivia's and never really left. It wasn't a decision they made, it wasn't even a discussion they had, he just never left; it was as simple as that.

He had returned to SVU for a brief time to finalise some case files. Despite Olivia's pleas and offers to transfer and Don's career advice to at least accept a transfer to homicide in the adjoining borough, he had officially retired three months after he'd buried Eli.

The following months had been difficult as Elliot adjusted to a civilian life, one he was unaccustomed to and ill prepared for. He spent days bouncing around the apartment not knowing what to do with himself and more days pestering Olivia, particularly when she was caught up with a case and couldn't make it home soon enough for him.

There was no job he wanted, no career he was interested in and despite of Olivia's encouragement and gentle reassurance that he had all the time in the world, employment still escape him. From time to time he did some work for his brother in the security field and for his sister's husband in home renovations and aside from the cash payments there was little he liked about it.

Don, Fin and Munch had all taken Elliot out individually and in combinations, trying to help him out of the funk which had overwhelmed him. At times it worked, at times it seemed to make things worse, but they were trying – for his sake and for Olivia's. There were too many days she came to work with dark, heavy eyes and pale skin, testament to another sleepless night dealing with Elliot and whatever he was going through.

They never asked for details and Olivia never offered, but those were the days where she'd find fresh coffee on her desk with her favourite pastry when she came back from the bathroom. And the days where, cases permitting, Fin would shout her lunch or Don would let her home early, knowing she'd take the free hour or so to catch up on things she needed to do before returning home and facing whatever waited for her there.

Elliot's relationship with Kathy was non-existent. They'd argued, yelled, screamed and hurled a book full of insults at each other before realising their irreconcilable differences were between them and shouldn't affect the children any more than it already had. It was then they agreed to settle for polite indifference and only speak when it related specifically to the children.

His relationship with Maureen blossomed and he spent a lot of time with her and as a foursome with Olivia and Michael. It was the first time he was seeing his little girl as an equal and he could appreciate what a truly special young woman she was … it made him all the more relieved she was his. He couldn't fathom what the alternative would have meant for him, for them.

And then came Olivia.

Elliot was consumed with a love for her, the likes he had never known, but it afforded him more angst than happiness at times. Knowing he loved her was one thing, knowing he couldn't seem to function properly without her around him made him feel vulnerable – something he hated, which in turn made him resentful. Taking it out on the one person he couldn't afford to alienate – Olivia.

As the year moved on there were increasing periods of calm and normality in their lives. Elliot seemed a little less sullen or withdrawn, and more like himself but as the first anniversary of Eli's death approached, and old wounds reopened, he began falling back into those dark days which surrounded the child's death.

Caught up in his own pain once again, Elliot failed to see the toll the year had taken on Olivia. It wasn't until he arrived home late and drunk one night from dinner with his brother two days before the anniversary it was brought to his attention. Stumbling through the sitting room, he called out her name but got no response.

Leaning on the bedroom door jamb, he shoved the door open and grinned seeing Olivia in bed, he wanted her so much it ached. Her back was to him so he yanked off his sweater, toed off his shoes and dropped his jeans before climbing onto her side of the bed and roughly snuggling in behind her.

"Llliivvv," he slurred, kissing her shoulder. "Livv?"

"What?" she croaked, using the heel of her hand to brush away her tears.

"Liv, watcha doin'?" he rambled, tugging at her arm.

"Go to sleep, El," she replied, pulling her arm back in front of her and out of his grasp.

"Don't wanna," he mumbled. "Want you." He tried tugging at her again but she still refused to move. "Livia," he muttered, climbing over her to be face to face. As he settled into the bed, she turned around and laid face down in the space he'd just vacated.

"Go to sleep, Elliot," she repeated into the pillow.

Finally, working through the alcohol-induced haze, Elliot began to realise there was a problem. He knelt up and leaned over her, trying to look at her but she buried her face further. She'd spent many nights crying herself to sleep lately, none of which he had realised. He was either asleep, or drunk, or watching TV until the early hours of the morning, or out.

"Whatsa matter, Liv?" he asked, his whiskey soaked breath invading her space.

"Nothing, go to sleep," she replied wearily, finally looking at him.

"You're crying, Livia," he continued, stating the obvious. "What's wrong?"

"Oh god, Elliot, it's three in the morning, I've got to be up by six, just let me sleep," she responded sharply, frustration taking hold.

"I will," he said, nodding furiously. "Just tell me…" He rocked her trying to get her attention.

"For Christ sake, would you just leave me the hell alone," she yelled wrestling to get up from underneath him. She grabbed her pillow and nearby blanket and stormed out to the sitting room, settling herself on the sofa.

For several long minutes Elliot stood at the bedroom door trying to piece it all together. His foggy brain was clearing as the seriousness of the situation crept into the recesses of his brain. Knowing there was no way he could sort through it himself he knew he had to get her to speak to him and to do it now, not in the morning when he'd forgotten all about it.

Shuffling his way over to her, he was trying to jump start his brain but it wasn't happening. His first idea was to lie beside her and wait for her to either talk or kick him off but he decided that may be too dangerous in his current state. Instead, he sat cross legged on the floor alongside the sofa and rested his hand on her back.

"Love you, Liv," he said quietly as he began to rub small circles on her back. She didn't respond, so he continued his ministrations and declared his love over and over again. When this got no response he knelt up and kissed the back of her head.

"Please don't hate me, Livia," he croaked, his voice breaking with his tears.

Olivia rolled over to face him, freeing her hand so she could caress his face.

"I could never hate you, baby," she whispered. "Never."

"Do you love me?" he asked, desperate to hear the words from her lips.

"Of course, El… so much." She reached over and kissed his nose. "I do love you," she whispered, tears streaming down her face.

"Why are you crying, baby?" he asked, his tears flowing in response to hers.

"I miss you," she sobbed, closing her eyes once more.

"But I'm right here, Livia," he replied shaking his head.

She shook her head. "No, you haven't been here in a long time," she sighed.

"But I just went out with Joe at seven… wasn't that long…" he said, missing the meaning.

"Yeah, I know," she conceded realising she wasn't going to get far with this conversation.

"But why'd you …" he began before some iota of meaning sank in. "This isn't about tonight, is it?"

"Uhuh," she shook her head.

"Do we need to talk?" he asked, moving to sit up on the sofa. She nodded. "Do you need to tell me something?"

"Like what?" she asked, sitting up and holding onto his arms.

"Like you don't want me here anymore? Or you've had enough of me?" he asked, tears tumbling once more.

Olivia reached out and held him to her. "I never want you anywhere but here," she said gently. "And I'll never have enough of you," she added before kissing his head.

"But I'm being an ass … I've found it hard enough living with me this past year….don't know how you've done it," he admitted, the shame evident in his eyes.

"I've done it because I love you, Elliot," she reassured him.

"Then why are you crying?" he asked, hoping he'd get an answer this time.

It took her several minutes before Olivia had collected her thoughts enough to speak to him without letting the overriding emotion of the situation overwhelm them.

"What's wrong, baby?" he asked, gently tugging her so she'd sit with him.

"I love you, El," she said, moving into him. His anxiety level rose further.

"Love you too, Olivia," he replied, kissing her head.

Shifting on the sofa so they could sit with limbs and bodies entwined, Olivia wearily rested her head on his shoulder. She wasn't too sure of what she was going to say or what would be best…she wasn't even sure if he'd remember the conversation at all.

"Case went bad, El," she started off slowly. Her eyes fixed on the blanket she was playing with. "We lost her."

"What happened?" he asked, pulling her closer and trying to recall anything from this particular case.

"We found her in the back storeroom of the chemical warehouse," she explained, her voice quivering. "Mel said she'd been dead less than an hour … an hour …" She stopped to dry her eyes.

"You did all you could, Liv," Elliot soothed, more from rote than any actual understanding of the situation.

"Yeah, maybe," she nodded. "But a goddamned hour …" her voice trailed as she cursed herself.

"Get the prick?" he asked, his eyelids becoming heavier.

"Yeah, he got me too," she sighed.

"What d'ya mean?" he asked.

"Nothing," she shrugged, it didn't matter, what was done was done.

"No, not nothing, Liv," Elliot said, raising her head.

Pain, fatigue and distress were clearly evident on her face, everything culminating in the tears on her cheeks and look of loss in her eyes.

"Why are you crying?" he slowly enunciated, trying to get her to use words he could understand.

Olivia sighed deeply at the futility of the conversation but she decided to break it down to something he could comprehend.

"I had a bad day. I felt sad. I came home. I wanted you and you weren't here. I cried. Understand?" she sighed.

"I'm here now," he commented. "What did you want me for?"

Shaking her head at his inability to think for himself, she extracted herself from him.

"Nothing, El. I don't know what I was thinking."

Back in bed alone, Olivia closed her eyes, willed her pain away and tried to get some sleep in the two hours she had left of night time. She drifted off not aware of what Elliot's plans were for bed and by this time not caring.

It didn't surprise her to wake with the alarm to find she was still in bed alone. A quick look into the living room revealed Elliot hadn't moved, not that she expected him too. Heading to the bathroom she knew things had to change but she also knew, with Eli's anniversary the following day now, was not the time.

With the blanket resting on the floor since Olivia had left the sofa, Elliot awoke chilled. He felt around for the source of the missing warmth and in doing so knocked his hand on the end table, waking him fully. Hearing the shower running, he tried to focus on the clock before giving up and grabbing his cell phone, calling his former boss. He couldn't remember the entire conversation between himself and Olivia but he knew they needed to sort it out, that they needed time and that, despite everything else, he still needed her.

"Cragen," came the gruff voice.

"Captain it's, ah, Elliot," he started, completely lacking in confidence.

"What can I do for you?" he asked, somewhat sternly. He knew Elliot had been trying Olivia's patience of late and although he cared for the man, and understood his plight, he also cared for Olivia.

"Liv won't be coming in today," he said, not asking for permission.

"Why's that?" he asked, drumming his fingers on the receiver.

"She's not feeling the best," he lied. He honestly had no idea what she was feeling.

"I half expected it," Don replied, surprising him. "Her arm giving her trouble?"

"No, why would it?" Elliot asked, running his hand over his face.

"Her knife wound, Elliot? You know - the one she got yesterday?" he said incredulously.

"Fuck!!!" he exclaimed. "She was stabbed?"

"Not so much stabbed as sliced. Nine stitches, her forearm. She didn't tell you?" Don asked.

"I…uh…no," he answered, shaking his head.

"Were you in any state to listen … or to ask?" Don questioned, the father in him coming out.

"Well, uh, not quite," Elliot guiltily admitted.

"Okay, I'll get Fin to do the paperwork on this and put Liv on sick leave for the time being. You talk to her, El. I know this is a difficult time for you but don't mess this up or I'll be over to kick your ass. Okay?" he said gruffly.

"Yeah. I won't, Don, I promise," he replied hastily.

"Not me you need to promise, Elliot."

**Thank you for reading, please review!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: They are not mine.  
**

Making his way to the bathroom, Elliot was torn between relief and anger. Relief Olivia's wound was relatively minor and anger that she didn't tell him. However, he was angrier at himself. Not only wasn't he there when she got hurt or there when she got home but, when he was actually there to tell, he wasn't in any state to comprehend it.

Ditching his beater and boxers as he climbed into the shower with her, Elliot gently touched her shoulder, startling her.

"What are you doing in here?" she asked sharply, turning to face him.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he countered, picking up her right arm, the waterproof dressing firmly in place.

"Tell you what?" she sighed, closing her eyes and dropping her head back under the water spray.

"You got sliced! How could you not tell me?" he asked, though it was disappointment filling his voice and not anger.

"When, El?" she replied wearily. "When I got home? You weren't here. When you got home? You were too drunk. Don't worry about it." She turned her back to him once more.

"Let me do it," he offered, taking the shampoo bottle from her hand.

.

Olivia sighed, resigning herself to giving in rather than arguing. It was a well practiced action, especially of late. Putting a small dollop of lotion into his palm, Elliot rubbed his hands together before tenderly massaging her scalp and raking his fingers through her hair. Not able to find any words, he put all his love and affection into the task at hand.

Saying nothing, Olivia allowed herself to relax into his touch as he carefully rinsed her hair before conditioning it. When he finished the final rinse, she broke her silence.

"It's been nice, El, but I've got to get to work," she sighed, attempting to step past him.

"You're not going in," he responded, taking hold of her upper arms.

"Yes, I am. Got paperwork to finish," she replied.

"I called Don, that's how I knew about your arm. Told him you wouldn't be in…" he began.

"What? Why the hell did you do that?" she retorted, pushing her way past him.

"Because I love you and I'm so scared right now," he admitted, dropping his head in shame.

His tone, rather than his words, was enough to spin her around.

"Scared of what?" she asked. The goosebumps appearing on her flesh a testament to the fear she saw in his face.

"Have I totally fucked things up with you?" he asked, too ashamed to even look at her.

"What do you mean?" she asked, moving back to him and under the water.

"For the last year, my life has been a mess and you've been there every step of the way," he started, she nodded but said nothing. "And you needed me so much last night and I wasn't there for you … I haven't been there for you … with anything …"

"I understand …" she began but he pressed his finger to her lips.

"No, I don't want you to understand," he interrupted shaking his head. "I want to be able to be there for you. I want us to be there for each other. I want you … I don't think I've told you enough … shown you enough … but I love you and want you and need you," he whispered hoarsely, pulling her to him.

"I love you too, El, but …" she started but soon stopped, her hands slipping from his shoulders to his back.

"But …" he prompted, he didn't want to hear it but he knew she had to say it. It was the least he could do for her.

"But I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm worried about you and I'm just …" her voice trailed.

"Just what, baby?" he asked, raising her face so she'd actually look at him.

"Just so lonely," she admitted, tears burning her eyes.

.

Her words stunned him. They had each other, or at least he thought they did.

"How can you be lonely? I'm right here," he whispered, his fingers tracing her cheekbone.

"When's the last time you were really here, El?" she asked sadly.

"I know it's been hard …" he started, his heart sinking. "But I have been here."

"Yeah, in body ...sometimes… but your head's somewhere else … we haven't had a proper conversation in god knows how long. We haven't just hung out with each other in months," she said matter-of-factly.

Elliot draped his arms across her shoulders and leaned his forehead on hers.

"I've been so caught up in this misery, baby," he whispered. "I've got this fog in my head, in my heart, and I can't see clearly … I keep thinking I'm gonna get out of it but it keeps swallowing me up and I hate it… and I hate me …and I hate…"

"Me?" she offered, her voice shaky.

"What?" His head jerked up. "Hate you? No, god, no, Olivia! How could I hate you? How could you think even think it?" he gushed, pulling her to him.

"Because as much as you need me, you don't seem to want me," she said, her tears bubbling over and mingling with the shower spray.

"I do want you, Liv, so fucking much," he choked. "How could you think I didn't?"

"It's six weeks since we made love, Elliot," she said, tilting her head. "Six weeks."

"I know," he nodded. "Believe me, I know."

"And I know you've had a lot to contend with this past year and I wanted to be there for you…" she began.

"And that means so much," he interrupted.

"But then I was starting to think maybe that's all it was … you needing me to be there for you … that it was never about us … but you just needing a friend," she continued.

"I need you for you. I need us. Yes, you're my friend, Livia, my best friend but you're also the love of my life and I knew that long before Eli was even born … let alone died," he admitted, holding her hand to his heart.

.

Olivia nodded and reached over to turn off the taps now the cooler water was flowing. Stepping out of the tub, she grabbed a blue towel handing it to Elliot before taking another one for herself. Drying themselves in silence, Elliot was filled with an overwhelming sense of relief when, still naked, Olivia climbed back into their bed and patted the space beside her and waited for him.

Climbing in, he pulled the covers around them before wrapping her in his arms.

"How long?" she asked, her breath tickling his chest.

"For what?" he asked, kissing her head.

"Leave. How much time do I have?" she asked, raking her nails along his arm.

"As long as you … we ... need," Elliot admitted.

"Okay," she nodded. "Well, I need to spend today with you. Right here, in this bed, with you just holding me. Can you do that?" she asked, tears threatening once more.

"For the rest of my life, Olivia," he whispered, kissing her head. "For the rest of my life."

.

Hours later, Olivia awoke and smiled lazily when she realised they were both wrapped in the same exact position, neither one having moved at all. Lifting her head, she gazed up at Elliot, surprised to find him awake and looking down at her.

"Hey," she cooed. "You been watching me?"

"Nah," he replied. "Well, maybe just a bit," he corrected.

"Get any sleep?" she asked, brushing her fingertips lightly across his cheek. He started to nod before Olivia spoke again," Truth, El."

"A bit, maybe the first hour or so," Elliot admitted. "Not so much after that."

"Why didn't you wake me, baby?" she asked gently.

"Because you needed to sleep," he replied, kissing her forehead.

"But you haven't moved and we've been here nearly four hours," Olivia continued.

"I didn't want to disturb you," Elliot replied, holding her a little closer. "I've been doing too much of that lately."

"Doing too much of what?" she questioned to clarify.

"Disturbing you," he replied, closing his eyes and pushing his head back into the pillow.

.

Olivia pulled herself up on his body and firmly set her hands on either side of his face.

"Elliot Stabler, look at me," she commanded softly. His eyes opened. "You have not been disturbing me, got that?" she questioned. "You've worried me, upset me, concerned me but never disturbed me."

"You haven't exactly been sleeping properly," he commented. "I know that's because of me."

"No, it's not, baby," she sighed gently. "All this hasn't helped but I don't blame you. I've never been a good sleeper. I've never really slept through the night, not even as a kid."

"Oh, I thought …" he trailed.

"You thought it was your fault?" she prompted and he nodded. "No, El, it's not your fault."

"Liv," he began before searching her eyes, wondering if he should get it all out in the open.

"Go ahead," she prompted, caressing his face.

"Do you … I want you to be honest, okay?" he said and waited until she nodded. "Do you regret … me? Do you regret us?" he whispered, his hands trembling.

"No, I…" she began but he stopped her by placing a finger over her lips.

"No, Liv, I want you to think about it. This last year has been incredibly difficult and you can't say life's been good and I've been here watching you while you sleep wondering how in the hell I was lucky enough to have you in my life and feeling fucking lousy that it's all been about me and my pathetic life and none of it's been about you and …"

He stopped his rambling when Olivia's finger pressed against his lips. Normally she wouldn't let him go on as long but there was so much to be said, so much she knew he had to get out, but she'd heard enough.

"You listen to me, Elliot," she said, as her tears tumbled over. "This thing with you and me is not based on the last year alone but on the whole decade since we came together. We've both had some incredibly hard times in those years but it's brought us closer together. Yes, the last year has been horrible and I'd give anything to change that but I can't. You do not have a pathetic life, you have four beautiful kids…" she continued, "and you have me," she added, which finally brought a smile to his face.

"And that's why I think I'm lucky," he whispered.

"And I have you and I that's why I think I'm lucky," she agreed.

"You do?" he queried, not understanding how she could see anything positive in him or their relationship.

"I do," she nodded.

"Despite all this?" he questioned again, still not believing.

"Maybe because of this," she countered, confident in her response. "It's made me realise that you need me as much as I know I need you. I've been in love with you for so long but always felt I was being needy or desperate because some days just walking into the precinct and seeing you smile was enough to make life better…."

"That's exactly how I feel about you," he interrupted, a relieved smile crossing his face.

"So, if we're pathetic or hopeless or whatever, then we both are… and so maybe that's why this works," she said, smiling as a grin broke out across his face.

"Well, so long as we both are…" he began, he thumb swiping across her lips. "Then I guess we're stuck with each other."

"And that suits me just fine," Olivia smiled, leaning down and kissing his chest.

.

Elliot slowly ran his finger along the edges of her wound dressing.

"Baby, I am so sorry about yesterday, about not being here for you… about this…" He gently kissed her arm. "It won't happen again, I promise."

"You're here now, El," she said gently. "We can get through anything that happens, so long as we do it together, okay?"

"Yeah, okay," he nodded.

"And you know what else we can do together?" she asked sweetly.

"What?" he questioned.

"This!"

Suddenly there was no innocence or gentleness between them, it was pure passion.

**Thank you for reading, please review!**

**AN: Not sure if there were problems with alerts over the weekend but the next chapter (Wedding Night) of Fighting Back is up and is needing reviews - Thanks!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: They are not mine.  
**

The next time Olivia awoke it was late afternoon and she was in bed alone; the bedside clock was showing it had just gone six. Slipping out of bed, she threw on her lilac satin robe and went in search of Elliot. She didn't have to look far; he was sitting at the table reading the newspaper.

"Hey, babe, been up long?" she asked as her fingers grazed his scalp.

"'Bout an hour," he replied, shifting the chair backwards so she could come and sit with him.

Sitting on his lap, Olivia draped her arms around his neck before kissing his head.

"Anything interesting?" she questioned, nodding towards the paper before resting her head on his.

"Nah, it's yesterday's," he replied, his arms wrapped around her waist. "Thank you for earlier," he cooed into his ear. "It was amazing."

"Thank you, El, for all three times," she whispered as he kissed her ear.

"Just trying to make up for lost time," he responded as her hand moved to cup his face. "I missed you so much … in those six weeks … so much. I'm so sorry."

"I know, baby," she said, gently caressing his face. "You don't need to apologise though, really."

"I just feel like I can never … that whatever I do I won't be able to…shit…" He dropped his head annoyed at his inability to string together a sentence.

"What is it, Elliot?" she asked, tilting to head trying to establish eye contact. "Talk to me."

.

Slowly he looked into her eyes. "There's nothing I can do to make you realise just how sorry I am for everything and just how grateful I am for you and to you … for everything."

For several long moments, Olivia just stared at him unsure as to how she should respond. Elliot studied her and knew she was trying to find the right words to use, this in itself scared him.

"Just say it, Livia," he encouraged nervously. "Say it."

It took her another moment before she opened her mouth.

"Can you let me get this out … before you say anything?" she asked quietly and his heart constricted. There had been several times over the year he believed she would end this thing between them and even though he thought they'd reconciled matters earlier in the day, three times, he couldn't help but feel the inevitable was coming. He nodded.

"Elliot," she began, almost formally. "You need to know that I am very much in love with you, so much more than I was a year ago. It has been a difficult year and there were times when I just didn't know if we'd get through it but we did. Through it all, though, I have never once blamed you and it kills me a little more every time you apologise. I know you're sorry, but, baby, it's time to let that go…"

"I…" he started but Olivia pressed her finger to his lips.

"Not finished yet, El," she cut him off. "After the service and lunch tomorrow, I think we should get away for a week or so and spend some time just on us. And maybe make some more permanent decisions."

Silence fell as Olivia watched Elliot compute her words.

"Permanent?" he mouthed, not sure if she had finished. Olivia nodded. "As in?" he coughed, reluctantly finding his voice.

It took her a minute to realise he was thinking in the negative. She couldn't help but smile.

"Yeah, permanent," she nodded. "You do realise you never officially moved in here … you just didn't go home?"

He nodded. "And you don't want…"

"I want this arrangement to be permanent … as in your name on the lease…" she smiled.

"I'd like that," he grinned.

"Me too!" she replied as her lips found his. Any thoughts of deepening the kiss were gone when the buzzer sounded startling them.

"That'll be dinner, I ordered Chinese," he mumbled as she pulled back.

"Mmmm," she moaned, her stomach rumbling. "Definitely wanna make it permanent."

.

After dinner, curled up on the sofa, Elliot raked his fingers through Olivia's hair as they watched some mindless program that neither was interested in.

"What are you thinking?" Elliot finally asked, after studying the faraway look on her face.

"I'm thinking this is the first night in months we've done this," she said, rolling onto her back to look up at him.

"Yeah, it has been awhile, hasn't it?" he remarked, leaning down to kiss her forehead.

"It's nice," she said, dreamily.

"Yeah, very," he replied, caressing her face.

"I was also thinking that we should get married," she added, almost as an afterthought.

"Really?" he said, his eyes widening.

"Yeah," she said, nodding. "Not right this minute," she said, taking his hand. "But it should be part of our permanent arrangement. What do you think?"

"Oh, I think it should be part of it – definitely," he agreed, stroking her face.

"Okay," she said, with a nod. "That's good." And she turned her attention back to the screen.

.

The following day was always going to be difficult for everyone. Not only was it Eli's first anniversary, but the kids had organised a lunch for the entire family after the conclusion of the graveside service, as a celebration of their brother's short life. While they had given Elliot and Olivia every opportunity to decline the invitation, given the circumstances, and that Kathy was attending, they were relieved when they accepted. Both prepared to put aside their issues for the sake of the little boy they loved.

Arriving at the church, Olivia took Elliot's hand as they walked into the adjoining graveyard. They were nearly an hour early, but Olivia knew he wanted to spend time there in his own grief before he tried to be strong and stoic for his children.

"Want some time by yourself?" she asked, nestling into him as they stood by Eli's small grave.

"Yeah, if you don't mind," he replied, kissing her cheek.

"I don't mind," she whispered, kissing him back. "I'll be over there," she added pointing to the entrance where she'd wait for the kids. Elliot nodded.

From her vantage point, Olivia watched as Elliot neared the headstone and gently caressed the stone. Tenderly he traced the lettering of the boy's name, his namesake, his name ... and mourned the child buried in the soil beneath his feet who would always be his but never was. It was an endless pain he knew he would carry with him for the rest of his life. She watched as he spoke to the child, and at one stage sang to him, she couldn't be sure but thought it was 'Daddy's Little Boy', not because she could hear him but because of the tears which tumbled.

Realising the others would be arriving soon; Olivia went back and wrapped him in her arms.

"Time up?" he asked, wiping his face.

"Just about," Olivia replied, kissing him.

"Okay," he said, nodding as she wiped his face and kissed his forehead.

"You doing alright?" she asked as he pulled her close to him.

"Yeah," he said, nodding once more. "Doing better than I thought."

"Just remember I'm here for you," she reminded him as she cradled his head.

"For that, I'll be forever grateful," he replied, kissing her head.

.

Still in the same position twenty minutes later, Maureen and Michael were the first to arrive. Quiet greetings were exchanged and when Maureen stood in a long embrace with her dad, both remembering the anguish of a year earlier which could have changed their relationship forever, Michael moved to Olivia.

"Liv," he said quietly, not wanting to draw attention to them. "Can we go out for dinner one night this week?"

"You and me? Don't know what Elliot would say," she replied witrh a smirk and Michael's eyes widened.

"Oh, no, no, Olivia. I meant all four of us ... not you and I ... well, you and I and them too," he stumbled, looking startled.

"I knew what you meant, Mike," she said, patting his arm. "That would be good. Do you have a night in mind?"

"Whatever suits you," he replied. "You're the only one who ends up working nights..."

"Not this week," she replied, intent on taking some much needed leave. "I'm on leave for a while."

"Why?" he asked, before realising it was rude. "Sorry, it's just Mo didn't mention it."

"Mo doesn't know," she replied. "I hurt my arm at work the day before yesterday and am having some time off," she said, preferring to use a physical injury as her reason than to get into the emotional hurt.

"Are you okay? How bad is it?" he asked, knowing it would have to be serious for Olivia to take time.

"How bad is what?" Maureen asked, coming over to them, Elliot following behind.

"Liv's on leave because she hurt her arm," Michael explained.

"Oh, Liv, what happened?" asked Maureen, staring at the dressing barely visible at the edge of Olivia's sleeve.

"A job went bad, ended up with nine stitches," she replied, trying to brush off their concern. "It'll be fine in no time."

"Must be bad enough for you to take time though," Maureen said, knowing Olivia was as bad as her father used to be in taking time off for anything.

"Let's just say it was the final straw," she replied, tilting her head towards Elliot who had turned back to look at the grave. "We need the time," she whispered, hoping they'd understand.

"Are you guys okay?" Maureen whispered, her eyes darting to her father's back.

"Yeah, it hasn't been easy, but yeah, we're okay," she said, with a sigh of relief that the words were finally true.

.

Before long, Kathleen arrived with the twins and they walked over to the group, all hugging their dad tightly before greeting Olivia.

"Your mom not with you?" Elliot asked, as Father McCabe came through the entrance gate.

"She said she'd be here," Kathleen replied, glancing at her watch. It was already ten after the hour and things were running behind as it was.

Father McCabe was greeted by the group and all the usual pleasantries were exchanged before he extended the more supportive words for families in this situation. By half past, Maureen called her mother only to be told she wasn't coming, she couldn't face it, couldn't face Eli given what she had done in light of his paternity. Maureen had just sighed deeply and said, "Fine." She really wasn't interested in her mother's dramas anymore.

"We can start, Father," she said, pocketing her cell. "My mother won't be coming."

"Are you sure?" he asked, looking towards Elliot.

"Yes, I am," Maureen said, nodding. "Please start."

The group moved to stand around the grave as Father McCabe opened his book. Michael wrapped his arm around Maureen's waist and she leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder.

"You okay?" he whispered, as the priest started the blessing.

Maureen turned into his arms and held him tightly. "Yeah, am now," she whispered, needing this day to be over and this year to be put behind her, behind them all.

.

As the prayers continued, Olivia wrapped one arm around Elliot and the other around Dickie; both were trying to appear so calm and unaffected that it pained her. Pulling them closer to her, she kissed their heads in turn and rubbed their backs, hoping that her caresses would allow them to feel something.

By the time Father McCabe was making the final blessing, Dickie was in his father's arms and Olivia couldn't help but smile, they needed each other and this would help them more than anything else.

Drying Lizzie's face as she came to hug her, Olivia embraced her warmly before kissing her forehead.

"You doing okay?" she asked and Lizzie nodded.

"I really miss him, Liv," she whispered so her dad wouldn't hear. "He was so cute and everything," she sighed, and Olivia wiped the fresh tears away.

"I know, honey," she soothed, holding her once more. "I know."

.

It was a much brighter mood at Ridgemont's as they sat around a large round table overlooking the lake.

"Nice place," said Elliot as he pulled out Olivia's chair for her.

"Yeah," she said, taking his hand in hers and resting them in her lap once they were both seated.

"It's a great place, Liv," said Kathleen, picking up the menu. "I've been here a few times and the meals have always been delicious."

"Yeah," agreed Maureen. "Mike and I love this place, never had a problem."

"Great to hear," said Elliot. And despite the banter, he knew his children had one thing on their mind, the vacant seat between Michael and Dickie – the place where Kathy would have been.

.

Squeezing Elliot's hand, Olivia tilted her head to the vacant seat when she caught his eye. He tilted his head in the same direction and she nodded.

"Mo, did your mom say why she wasn't coming today?" he asked, putting the topic up for discussion.

"She said she couldn't face it, couldn't face Eli given what she had done in light of his paternity," Maureen said, reading her menu.

"Fair enough," Elliot replied, not sure what else he could say.

"She's been crying a lot lately," Lizzie said, looking around the table. "More than she did when he died."

"Yeah," agreed Dickie.

"Has she?" asked Elliot, not that he wanted to know, but he had to show some interest.

"Yeah," repeated Dickie.

Anything further on the topic of Kathy was halted when the waitress came over to take their orders. After she left, Olivia steered the conversation in a whole different direction by asking about school and the sighs of relief were audible.

By the time lunch concluded, everyone seemed to be in a better place. Eli had been the last topic of conversation, over dessert, and this time the memories associated with him had all been good. It was a great note to end on and Olivia was glad they had agreed to come, hoping the tragic pain of the past twelve months could now be put to rest.

**Thank you for reading, please review!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: They are not mine.  
**

**After seeing that the reviews in recent chapters have decreased, I was wondering what to do with this story and whether it was best just to cut it short and wrap it up now. However, it was pointed out to me that it wouldn't do anyone justice. So, I'll continue it as I planned. Thank you to all who have stuck with it - I appreciate it. **

**A special thanks to Loli! **

Curled up in bed later that night, Elliot was quiet and Olivia let him be as she cradled his head to her chest, gently raking her fingers across his scalp. Finally, when he had shifted for the fourth time in five minutes, Olivia drew his face up to hers.

"Do you want to call her? See if she's alright?" she asked, her finger tracing his jaw.

"Kathy?" he asked.

"That's who you're thinking of, isn't it?" she asked, continuing with her caresses.

He nodded. "I really thought she should have been there today – for the kids' sake," he said quietly.

"Yeah, I thought that too," Olivia agreed, her fingers pausing by his temple.

"And for her not to be there...well..." he trailed.

"Call her...now or in the morning, call and see how things are," Olivia prompted.

"Why are you so wonderfully understanding?" he asked, gazing up at her.

She just smiled and kissed him gently.

.

After another ten minutes and more shifting, Olivia reached over and grabbed his cell.

"Call her now," she said, kissing his head. "You're not going to sleep until you do."

"Thanks," he said, taking it from her, relieved Olivia had made the decision for him. "I'll just..." he started to excuse himself, while there was nothing about the call he wouldn't tell Olivia, he just felt uncomfortable about making it in front of her.

"It's okay," she said, slipping from behind him. "You stay here and call."

Kissing him once more she headed to the kitchen and made herself some hot chocolate before curling up on the sofa. It would have been easier to let him leave the bedroom and make the call but she would have driven herself crazy laying in bed alone wondering about the conversation, at least this way she had the pretence of doing something else.

Nearly twenty minutes later, Elliot appeared at the door and smiled at Olivia.

"Coast is clear," he said, "If you want to come back."

"How did it go?" she asked, stretching but showing no intention of getting up.

"Okay," he replied. "She's not really coping at the moment. Actually started counselling three weeks ago and she thinks that's why it was all too hard today – everything was fresh and raw."

"Would be hard," Olivia replied, despite what she'd done to Elliot, she was still a woman who had lost her baby boy and that was something she would probably never recover from.

"Yeah, she talked to the kids when they got back and explained it to them. They said they understood," he continued, glad his children weren't distressed any further by the events.

"That's good," she replied, yawning.

.

Elliot looked at her sleepy face and wanted nothing more than to take her back to bed but he stood fixed to the wall, deciding to have the rest of the conversation now.

"Kathy also said how sorry she was – for everything – said it was a panic response to tell me I was the dad as she didn't think she could cope being a single parent," he related in an even, unemotional manner.

"Aha," Olivia replied, nodding.

"And she said that she is so sorry that by being so selfish she hurt me ... and you ... so much," he said, wondering what Olivia was thinking as she drew her legs to her chest.

"Aha," she replied, her emotions churning too much for any other words to come.

"And she said she wishes us all the best," he continued, his eyes fixed on hers.

"Said a lot, didn't she," Olivia replied, hoping this meant the worst was behind them.

"Yeah, she did. She also said she was thankful I still cared enough to call her and that I was lucky to have someone like you in my life," he concluded.

"You are," she said with a small smile.

Padding across the room, Elliot held his hand out to her. "So, now the call's made, do you want to come back to bed?"

"Sure," she replied, taking his hand.

.

Having left the plans to Elliot to sort out a vacation for them, Olivia spent the next few days catching up on some much needed sleep. Coming home from Maureen's, just after lunch on Wednesday, he had everything booked, thanks to a now near maxed out credit card and his eldest daughter's prowess with Google.

"So, where are we going?" Olivia asked with a yawn as he put the printed itinerary and receipts into the drawer of his bedside table.

"It's a surprise," he replied, climbing into the bed beside her.

"Well, what do I need to pack?" she asked, curling into him. "Clothes for warm weather, cold weather, bikini, snow boots?"

"My vote is for your bikini, wherever we go," he said with a laugh.

"But if it's somewhere cold and I wear my bikini, I'll turn blue," Olivia said pouting.

"That's okay," he said, grinning. "I always thought Smurfette was kind of sexy."

.

Olivia laughed, at first it was a chuckle, but then turned into a belly laugh. Smurfette and Elliot, just the imagery was enough to keep her laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked, tugging her closer and kissing her head.

"Nothing," she said with a laugh. "Just never pictured you as a fan of The Smurfs."

"Never said I was a fan," he replied, stroking her arm. "Just that Smurfette was sexy."

"What was it about her that was sexy?" Olivia asked, trying to be serious.

"Well, she was cute and funny and I don't know... I guess after watching endless episodes with Mo when she was a kid, I got attached."

"I think it's cute," she replied kissing his cheek. "When are we going?" she asked, taking a new line of questioning.

"Day after tomorrow," Elliot replied before yawning.

"Friday? What time?" she asked, rubbing his chest.

"We have a 10:20 AM flight out of La Guardia," he reported, his fingers tangling in her hair.

"Flight to where?" she asked, slipping her hand under his shirt.

"Good try," he said, taking her hand before it dipped under his waist band. Both knew he would have told her anything had her fingers reached their ultimate destination.

"Spoilsport," she said, slapping his hand.

.

For a while longer they lay in silence until Olivia rolled herself onto Elliot and kissed him deeply.

"Still not telling," he mumbled when she pulled back for air.

"Don't care," she replied as she placed kisses along his jaw.

"What changed your mind?" he asked, bringing her face back up to look at her.

"Just so long as we're going together, I don't care where it is," she replied, kissing him once more.

Without speaking, both had decided this mid-afternoon encounter would become something more than a mutual nap but as Elliot pulled Olivia's tee off, the intercom buzzed.

"Ignore it," he mumbled as her lips worked down his neck.

"Can't," she muttered as it buzzed again. "It'll be one of the kids."

"They'll think we're not home and go away," he said, tugging her back as she tried to climb off him.

"Or they'll use their key and come up anyway," she replied. "And look what they'll find."

"Why are you always so logical?" he asked, letting her go.

"One of us has to be," she replied, kissing his cheek.

.

The visitor, or pain in the ass, as Elliot called their interrupter, wasn't one of his offspring, it was Michael.

"I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" Michael asked hesitantly as Olivia opened the door.

"No, come on in, Mike. Can I get you something? Coffee?" Olivia offered, gesturing towards the armchair.

"No, no, I'm good," he replied nervously, heading towards to chair. "Is...ah...is Elliot home?"

"Yeah," she replied. "He'll be out in a minute. Is there something wrong?" she asked, noting Michael's nervousness as he fidgeted in his chair.

"No, ma'am," he replied, tapping his fingers on his leg.

"Ma'am?" Olivia echoed, something was indeed wrong.

"Mike, what is it?" she asked, sitting on the end of the sofa closest to him.

"Can we wait for Elliot?" he asked, looking to the hallway, hoping the man in question would hurry up and appear.

"I'll go get him," Olivia said, patting Michael's arm as she stood.

.

A few minutes later, Olivia and Elliot emerged from the bedroom and Michael jumped to his feet.

"Mike," Elliot said, extending his hand. "I thought we'd be seeing you at dinner tonight."

"You will be, sir," he replied, nodding quickly. "I just wanted to ah... to speak to you... today...before we go to dinner. If that's okay?"

"Sure," Elliot said slowly, taking in the nervousness of the young man. "Sit down."

"I'll leave you two to talk then," Olivia announced, heading toward the kitchen.

"No!" Michael retorted, getting back to his feet. "I mean ... I'd like you to stay Olivia, if that's okay?"

"Sure," she replied, coming to sit next to Elliot as Michael sat down once again.

.

There were several long, strained moments as Michael twisted his fingers together. This should have been a whole lot easier, he'd been practising for weeks, but now as he was faced with two sets of eyes staring at him, he was struggling to find his words.

"What is it, Mike?" Olivia asked gently, reaching out to pat his arm.

"I love Maureen," he said abruptly, getting to his feet once more. "I really do."

"We know," Elliot said, nodding.

"I'd do anything for her, anything," he continued as he paced to the television and back.

"We know that too," Olivia answered, a slight smile coming to her lips; she knew where this was going.

"Good, good," Michael replied, nodding quickly. "Well, here's the thing..." he said before pausing and drawing in some deep breaths.

Michael stopped in front of Olivia and Elliot and studied them for a minute. "I love your daughter very much and I can't imagine a life without her. She's everything to me and I have no idea what I ever did to deserve someone as amazing as her but I am eternally thankful that I did it. Maureen is the love of my life and I want to spend the rest of my life with her and I want that life to start as soon as possible and I want ... I mean I would like your blessing to marry your daughter... well, actually I would like your blessing to ask her, I wouldn't presume to answer for her ... and ...."

"Breathe, son, breathe," Elliot said, standing and grabbing Michael's arm as he paled. "But, sir, I need you to know..." he tried to continue.

"I know you love my daughter," Elliot said. "I know you are a decent, caring man and I couldn't have asked for anyone better to be there for her in this last year. You have my blessing," he said, patting the younger man on the back.

"Ma'am?" he asked quietly, looking towards Olivia.

At first she wasn't sure what to say, she wasn't her mother or step mother, and she also didn't know what Elliot would think about Michael even asking her.

Looking from Michael to Elliot, she was relieved to see his warm smile.

"What do you think, Liv?" he asked, answering her unspoken questions. "Does he have your blessing too?"

"Of course," she replied, smiling broadly. She had come to love Michael in the past year as much as she loved Elliot's children.

.

After hugs and congratulations were given, Michael sat down and they both knew he had more on his mind. It took a few minutes for him to find the words.

"I'm not sure if Mo has said anything to you about my upcoming promotion," he said, looking from Elliot to Olivia and back. They both shook their heads. "Well, at the end of last month we complete our performance reviews and my boss has been impressed with my work and has offered me a promotion."

"Congratulations," they said in unison.

"Thanks," he replied gratefully. "It means a lot more money and benefits, gives us some financial security."

"That's good," said Olivia, lacing her fingers with Elliot's, knowing something not so good was coming.

"Yeah, it is. Mo's pretty impressed by it all," Michael continued, as he started to twist his fingers once more.

"So?" Elliot prompted, trying to push this along.

"Well, the promotion comes with an out of state transfer. Mo and I have discussed our options and she seems to think I should take the one in Sacramento."

Elliot's gulp was audible to all, the thought his daughter would be on the other side of the country just too hard to believe.

"It has the best remuneration package, for me, it's only a three year commitment and Mo can transfer her job there too," he continued, looking at Olivia.

"And what do you think?" Olivia asked, pulling Elliot's hand to her lap.

"I think we should take the one in DC," he said, taking a glance in Elliot's direction. "It's not as much money, it's a five year commitment but Mo can still transfer there, so she won't lose out."

"So, if Sacramento is the best financial choice, why are you thinking DC?" she asked as she squeezed Elliot's hand.

"Because Sacramento is 2821miles from here and DC is only 228," he said simply looking to Elliot.

Elliot stared back at Michael.

"Look, El," Michael said, his confidence back. "I love your daughter very much and I want her to be happy and I want her to be my wife but I also respect you and I know how much you love her too. I don't want to take her any further away from you than I have to..."

"So, you'd take the lesser conditions just to keep her closer to me?" he asked, his voice thick with emotion.

"Aha," Michael said, nodding. "It's been a hell of a year and I don't think either of you would have gotten through had it not been for the other. I know I am extremely grateful for the time and advice I've gotten from both of you in that time and I know we are very lucky to have you in our lives. I guess I don't want that to change ... well, anymore than it has too."

By the time Michael left, they had a plan of sorts. Michael would propose in his own time but in the meanwhile, the promotion and transfer would be tabled for conversation that night over dinner. Olivia and Elliot agreed that if Michael was prepared to go to DC, then they would support it. After all, he was the only one to come off worse from the deal – but as he had reassured them, having a happy wife was worth more than any financial gain.

**Thank you for reading, please review!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: They are not mine.  
**

Dinner was a happy, lively affair. Maureen, unaware of Michael's visit to Elliot and Olivia's earlier in the day, was proudly gushing over just how good Michael was at his advertising job and how he was getting a huge promotion. To keep their earlier conversation under wraps, Elliot and Olivia both congratulated Michael and Elliot asked him what the promotion entailed.

Before Michael could respond, Maureen explained all the possibilities and what each one meant.

"DC sounds good," said Olivia, interrupting Maureen before she could extol the virtues of Sacramento.

"You think?" she asked, stopping mid sentence.

"Yeah, definitely," she replied, taking a sip of wine. "I mean, money's one thing but job security is something really important at the moment. I don't think this worldwide recession is going to be over anytime soon and I'm sure the advertising industry, like a lot of others are suffering. Am I right, Mike?"

"Yeah, there are a few agencies going broke, so we're fortunate to even be looking at promotions," he replied, sitting back in his seat.

"But Sacramento means a lot more money, and housing provision. In DC we'd have to find and fund our own place," Maureen said, finishing off her risotto.

And so it was that the conversation went back and forth over dessert and coffee with a wide range or pros and cons being offered. The only one who was very quiet was Elliot. As much as he wanted his daughter as close to him as possible, and while he appreciated the sacrifice Michael was willing to make, he couldn't, in good faith, make this about him.

When it looked like the conversation was about to be directed at him, Elliot excused himself and headed to the bathroom.

"Is dad alright, Liv?" Maureen asked, once he was out of hearing range.

"Yeah, he is," she replied. "I just don't think he's really happy with any of the options. I'm sure if he had his way you'd be about six again and have your hair in pigtails."

"I didn't really think about him – with all this," Maureen replied, looking at Elliot's empty seat. "I was just so excited for Michael."

"And so is he," said Olivia taking her hand.

"Mo, seriously, as much as Sacramento is the best financially, this is why I think DC is the best. It's a few hours' drive away and we'd be able to see your folks far more often than if we went west," Michael explained quietly.

"You want DC for my family?" she asked, wide eyed.

"Yeah," he said with a nod. "I think this year has shown us the importance of family and we'll lose that in Sacramento."

The conversation paused as Elliot returned to his seat.

"What did I miss?" he asked with a smile, hoping to convince everyone he was alright with this.

"Oh, only the decision being made," Maureen replied in an exaggerated manner.

"And what was the decision?" he asked, looking nervously around the table.

"DC of course," she replied, squeezing Michael's hand.

"Are you sure?" asked Elliot, looking from his daughter to Michael.

"Oh definitely. I've always wanted to live in DC with all those monuments and museums and Barbara, from college, lives there now. And when I miss New York too much, I can drive back in a few hours... perfect all around," she said grinning. "Unless you'd prefer I was further away and couldn't beat you in cards as often."

"No, no," he answered quickly. "DC is perfect."

On the drive home from the restaurant, Elliot was still fairly quiet and Olivia turned in her seat to study him as he drove towards their apartment.

"What?" he asked, when he realised her focus was on him.

"I love you," she said, smiling, her head leaning on the door.

"Love you too," he replied, pulling up at a red light.

"I'm going to miss Mo so much, and Michael," she said, hoping it would prompt him to respond.

"Yeah, me too," he replied, turning his focus onto the car ahead.

"But it's a great opportunity for them," she continued, reaching out to stroke his arm.

"Yeah, it is," he agreed, the license plate ahead of him being of intense interest.

"She's very lucky to have found someone like Mike, he's a great guy," she said, her hand resting on his arm.

"Aha," he responded, a lump coming to his throat.

"And he'll take good care of her," Olivia said, trying to give voice to all his thoughts and fears.

"Aha," he coughed as he accelerated the car.

"El, can you pull over for a minute, please," she asked as some parking bays came into view.

"Why?" he asked. "You feel okay?"

"Yeah, I just need you to pull over, please," she repeated.

When he did, she undid her seatbelt and his and pulled him to her in the biggest hug she could manage. Elliot slipped his arms around her and pressed into her, thinking it was she who needed the comfort but her words put an end to that thought.

"No matter where she goes, she will always be your little girl and will always love you," Olivia whispered before kissing his temple.

"I know," he mumbled into her hair, trying to fight the tears stinging his eyes.

"And we can take regular trips there and they'll come back and visit," she continued, as she felt his warm tears slide down her neck.

"Yeah, I know," he managed.

"Just hurts to think of her so far away after everything you've been through this year, doesn't it?" she asked, trying to get him to open up.

"Yeah," he sighed, holding her tighter. "I mean I thought they'd get married and there was the possibility of moving away, but I guess now it's the reality it's a bit harder ... and on top of everything else that's happened."

"I know, babe," she soothed as she kissed his head again. "Look, I know it's not the same thing, but you still have me...you'll always have me."

Slowly, Elliot pulled back and stared at her through watery eyes. Olivia reached over to wipe his face but he took her hand and kissed her palm.

"God, I love you, Livia," he declared, his thumb brushing over her cheek.

"I love you, Elliot," she whispered as she leant forward to kiss him. "With all my heart."

As the kiss started to deepen, Olivia pulled back and Elliot studied her confused.

"We're four blocks from home," she said as she pulled on her seat belt. "And I promise you, you can take that kiss to any level you want."

They were home in six minutes.

.

.

.

In the taxi, Friday morning, going to LaGuardia, Elliot and Olivia had the same argument they'd had all the day and night before.

_"Tell me where we are going, Elliot?"_

_"No."_

_"Please."_

_"No."_

_"Tell me where we are going, Elliot?"_

_"No."_

_"Please."_

_"No."_

_"Tell me where we are going, Elliot?"_

_"No."_

_"Please."_

_"No."_

_"You know I'll find out as soon as we get to check in."_

_"I know."_

_"So, tell me know...what difference does it make?"_

_"I want you to find out at the airport."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because I do."_

_"Tell me where we are going, Elliot?"_

_"No."_

_"Please."_

_"No."_

_"Tell me where we are going, Elliot?"_

_"No."_

_"Please."_

_"No."_

_"Tell me where we are going, Elliot?"_

_"No."_

_"Please."_

_"No."_

_"You know I'll find out as soon as we get to check in."_

_"I know."_

_"So, tell me know...what difference does it make?"_

_"I want you to find out at the airport."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because I do."_

"Ahem," the driver coughed. "If you've finished your, ah, 'discussion', you'll realise we're here."

.

Elliot tossed him the fare and a generous tip for having put up with the repetitive argument for the last twenty five minutes.

After collecting their luggage from the trunk, Elliot placed it at their feet before taking Olivia in his arms and kissed her despite the pout on her face.

"You're so cute when you pout," he remarked, pulling her closer.

"You're not, when you don't tell me things," she replied, trying to feign aloofness.

"Oh, I think you think I'm cute all the time," he said with a grin.

"Ass," she retorted poking out her tongue.

"I wouldn't do that unless you intend to use it," he warned playfully.

"I'll use it if you tell me where we're going," she answered, grabbing the handle of her suitcase. "At least tell me which airline."

"Caribbean Airline" he replied, grabbing his case in one hand and her hand in the other.

Spinning back to him, Olivia's eyes lit up.

"Caribbean Airline! You're kidding right? Does that mean what I think it means?" she asked almost breathless.

"It certainly does," Elliot replied proudly. The look on her face told him he'd done well. "St Vincent."

"But, El, it's so expensive and ... well... you're not working ... are you sure..." She tried to get the words out.

"And this..." He trailed for a moment so he could kiss her... "is why I didn't tell you earlier - didn't want you to have time to talk us out of it."

"But..." she started to protest.

"We're going... we're going to have a wonderful time...end of discussion. Okay?" he said, leaning his forehead on hers as his arm slipped around her waist.

"Okay," she agreed kissing him.

Within hours, Olivia was in St Vincent walking on the white sand from their secluded villa dressed in a blue bikini towards what would be their almost private beach for the next week. Elliot was standing at the door watching her; he was supposed to be following her but the found the vision of her absolutely breathtaking and it had caused another obvious reaction, something he wanted to abate before he walked out.

"Aren't you coming?" she called turning back to see why she was still alone.

"Yeah," he replied, holding their towels in front of him.

"You okay?" she asked, when he caught up with her and she slipped her hand into his.

"Yeah, just got sidetracked," he said, as the warm sand caressed their bare feet.

"By?" she asked, looking at him.

"You," he replied, kissing her head. "You look absolutely amazing." Elliot stopped walking and drew Olivia into his arms, "You look incredible in this," he said, pulling lightly on the strap of her bikini. "But it's nothing compared to what's in there," he continued as he gently tapped her chest above her heart. "You are the love of my life and I'm forever thankful our paths crossed and am eternally grateful that you allow me to be a part of your life."

Tenderly his fingers stroked her cheeks to remove her tears. A few times Olivia went to speak but her voice was absent. "Love you so much, Livia," he whispered, leaning in to kiss her tears away.

"Love you, Elliot, so much," she replied, slipping her arms around his neck and kissing him.

In the idyllic surroundings, Elliot and Olivia finally moved from the darkness of their lives and into the sunshine offered by their secluded Caribbean paradise.

The next few hours were spent relaxing on the beach and frolicking in the waves and not once did they see another soul. As the sun lowered in the sky, Olivia pulled Elliot to her and wrapped her legs around his waist, the water lapping around them.

"It's been an amazing afternoon," Elliot said as she trailed kisses down his neck.

"Make love to me," she whispered, her legs dropping so she could edge down his swimming trunks.

"Here?" he replied, his eyes widening.

"Right here," she answered, as she pulled off her bottoms.

"You sure?" he asked, he had never once had sex in any other place than the bedroom ... or the backseat of his car.

"You're not shy are you?" she asked as she undid her top.

"No," he replied quickly.

"Yes, you are," she responded grinning. "God, you are so cute!"

.

Grabbing their discarded clothing, Olivia screwed them into a ball and pitched them on the sand, pleased they landed close to their towels.

"Lucky shot," Elliot said, snaking his hands around his waist and drawing her back to him.

"Not lucky at all, I used to pitch in softball," she replied wrapping her legs around him once more.

"Did you just?" he asked. "How come I didn't know that?"

"There's a lot you don't know about me," she replied as her lips claimed his.

"Well, I intend to spend the rest of my life finding out," he declared as they connected once more.

Their first few days were pure bliss, just the two of them and plenty of sand, sea and sex. For Olivia, it was something completely unfamiliar to be so happy. There had never been anything in her life which had brought her this feeling of joy and she was sure she'd wake up any minute and find it was all a dream. Elliot was also finding this little vacation to paradise life altering. While he had experienced joy in his life it was nothing compared to these past days with Olivia and as he lay tangled with her, in the crumpled white sheets of the queen sized bed, he knew decisions had to be made.

Not wanting to spoil the trip, but wanting to set them on the right path for the rest of their lives, Elliot was troubled over what his next move should be. Sensing something was amiss, Olivia rolled over in his arms and sleepily looked up at him.

"Not sleeping?" she mumbled, bringing a hand up to caress his face.

"Just thinking..." His voice trailed as Olivia moved up his body and snuggled into him.

"'Bout?" she questioned, trying hard to keep her eyes open.

"Everything ..." he replied, not even sure where to start.

"Wanna narrow it down?" she asked, yawning.

"Trying to figure out the future," he replied, his fingers raking through her hair.

"Am I a part of that future?" she asked, rolling on top of him and holding his face.

"Most definitely," he replied, kissing her nose.

"Then can we figure it out together?" she asked, her fingers splayed through his hair.

"Yeah, certainly," he said nodding.

"Can we do it in the morning, or do you want to talk now?" she asked, worried about the concern she saw on his face.

"In the morning will do," he said, leaning up to kiss her. "Love you, baby."

"Love you too."

**Thank you for reading, please review!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: They are not mine.  
**

Well rested, Olivia was awake early and had settled in the hammock on the porch reading a book in the warm island air. Normally, she'd have stayed in bed with Elliot but she knew he hadn't slept much during the night and she didn't want to run the risk of disturbing him.

It was hours later he finally appeared at the door, dressed only in this blue striped boxes. In the moments it took Olivia to realise he was there, Elliot studied her, and decided, that if it was all possible, she was more beautiful than he'd ever believed. Dressed in a simple, white sun dress with bare feet and her hair tumbling down onto her shoulders, she was the perfect picture of summer bliss.

"Morning," she greeted him with a smile, spying him in the doorway.

"It's actually gone afternoon, Liv," he corrected. "Sorry, I slept so long."

"That's okay," she replied. "I'm glad you finally got some sleep. How are you feeling?"

"Yeah, I'm okay," he said, leaning on the door jamb. "I hope I didn't disturb you too much."

"Nah, I slept well," she said, wondering why he hadn't come across to kiss her yet.

"Good," he said with a nod.

"Did you figure anything out last night?" she asked him, knowing he was still caught up in his thoughts.

"Not really," he admitted. "I think I kept going around in circles."

"So, you want to talk to me about it now?" she asked, moving back in the hammock.

"Yeah, I think now's the best time," he said, knowing the sooner this was done the better.

"Do you want to come lay here and ..." She stopped when she saw him shake his head. "No?"

Sighing deeply, Elliot propped himself on the railing of the porch and Olivia frowned, he was moving away from her and she could only think the worst.

"Elliot?" she said, sitting up. "You don't want to be near me?"

"It's not like that, Liv," he said quickly, realising she was thinking all the wrong things. "We just need to talk and it has to be the truth and I can't do that lying there with you."

"Why not?" she asked, feeling confused and hurt.

"Because I've got so much going on in here..." he started, tapping his head, "and here..." he continued tapping his heart, "and I really think we need to talk it through before I touch you again."

"Why?" she asked, still not understanding.

"This is going to sound stupid so I want you to give me a chance to get it out, okay?" he said, glancing quickly in her direction. She nodded. "I think...ah...Livia, I think I have more problems than just dealing with the shit Kathy put me through," he said slowly, his eyes fixed on his feet. "I ..um...I...I think I'm really in trouble."

Olivia swung her feet around and onto the floor but stayed in the hammock.

"Why? What's going on?" she asked, her heart racing.

"You know better than most what's been going on with me for the past twelve months," he started and Olivia nodded. "And not just with Eli but the paternity stuff, and Mo, and being unemployed and feeling like everything was spinning out of control..."

"I know," she said quietly, she'd lived every minute of it with him.

"And I kept thinking that one day I'd wake up and things would be better and I'd feel like I'm back in control and can make something of my life," he continued, turning around and leaning on the railing, his eyes fixed of the beach.

"And that hasn't happened?' she half asked, half stated.

"Nope," he admitted. "If anything, I'd say it's worse."

"Worse how?" she asked, troubled by his answer.

"Through our partnership, I relied on you so much but I figured that's what partners did and –" he explained.

"They do," Olivia interjected.

"I know," he agreed. "But we always had something more, didn't we?" he asked, glancing at her.

"Yeah, I thought we did," she agreed, quietly.

"And during this past year when I hit rock bottom, you were still there, and despite everything else I knew I could make it if I had you." He went on slowly.

"And has that changed?" she asked.

"No," he answered quickly, turning back to face her. "But here comes the part that will sound stupid...I think I've developed an addiction..."

"You think?" she questioned.

"Yeah," he nodded. "By definition an addiction being abnormally tolerant to and dependent on something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming."

"That sounds very formal," Olivia commented.

"It is, I've been looking into it in recent times," he said, walking over to her half of the porch and leaning on the railing next to the hammock.

"And what are you addicted to?" she asked nervously, she was sure she would have noticed an addiction and the only one that came close was his increase in drinking, but still it wasn't at those levels.

"You," he replied in a whisper.

"What?" she questioned, not understanding.

"You, Livia, I think I'm addicted to you," he said and for the next few minutes nothing was said.

Finally, Olivia broke the silence when she stood up and walked to the other side of the porch.

"Liv?" he said quietly as she stood staring out to sea, she failed to answer. Reluctantly he walked over to her and placed his hand on her shoulder causing her to turn around, the look of pain in her watery brown eyes nearly shattered him. "Liv, talk to me."

"I don't think I have anything to say," she said, stepping to get past him but he stopped her.

"Liv, please," he begged, grabbing onto her hand, she flinched violently and he dropped it quickly. "Let me explain...please."

When she didn't reply, Elliot took this as consent and kept talking. "I love you very much, Olivia, and that is something that grows stronger every day, I can't really remember what my life was like before we met and I don't even want to imagine what a day without you would be like. The thing is, being around you does all sorts of things to me..."

"That's called love," Olivia said quietly.

"But it's more than that, because when you touch me everything feels so much better... being near you, being with you, seems to have a psychological effect on me and despite all the crap that's going on I feel everything's alright and it stops me from wanting to go back into the past and sort things out," he explained and watched as Olivia nodded for him to continue. "And I owe it to me and to you and definitely to us, to get things sorted. Do you understand that?" he asked, not wanting to cause her any more pain.

"Yeah, I think I can," she answered slowly. "But..." she started but shook her head, deciding against continuing.

"But what, Liv?" he prompted.

"But an addiction is something that's not good for you and you are supposed to give up..." she began, not quite knowing how she was going to end.

"God, no, Liv," Elliot said quickly. "You are the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me and I won't ever give you up."

"So why won't you touch me?" she asked quietly and he instantly wrapped her in his arms.

"I would live in your arms if I could," he whispered, kissing her nose. "But I think I need to spend some time on my own to sort it out... so I can work through things without this overwhelming feeling that I need you just to help me breathe."

There were a few moments of silence before Elliot spoke again.

"Were you serious the other night when you said we should get married?" he asked, his eyes fixed on hers.

"Yes, I was. Were you serious when you agreed?" she countered, her mind swirling with a myriad of emotions.

"Yes, I was," he agreed, nodding. "Did you have a timeframe in mind?"

"As in when we should get married?" she checked and he nodded. "Well, I'd marry you today but I guess it will depend on you. I know you want to work things out but I guess the question is do you want to do all that and then marry me or can we get married and work it through together?"

"I don't want to put you through any more pain than I already have," he said, his eyes dropping downwards.

"And I don't want you to think you have to do this alone," she replied, tugging his face up to meet hers. "And I don't want you ..." Anything she was going to say was lost in her sobs.

"What, Liv?" he prompted gently.

"I don't want you leaving me," she sobbed into his chest.

"I'm never leaving you, Olivia, do you hear me?" he asked, drawing up her face.

"But you don't seem to want me around or to help you...where does that leave me ...us?" she asked, swiping at her face.

"Livia, I just don't know how else to do this," he said as the first of his tears tumbled. "I know I need help...I just ...god, where do I start?"

"Start by letting me help you, Elliot...please," she replied, kissing his neck and, despite everything he'd just said, Elliot nodded. "My therapist gave me the name of someone she said was good, why don't you call him when we get back."

"Your therapist?" Elliot questioned pulling back from her.

"Yeah, I've been seeing her for nearly two years now. At first it was three times a week, then twice, then once a week, once every two weeks. Now, it's monthly," Olivia explained.

"How come I never knew?" he asked, walking them back to the hammock and sitting with her.

"Because I never told you about the incident which started it all, and after we'd dealt with that, we worked through other aspects of my ...ah...less than stellar life," she admitted.

"What incident started it all?" he questioned, trying to search his brain for anything that would have sent her to a shrink.

"When I went undercover, I was assaulted and ..." she began nervously.

"In Oregon, when that prick hit you?" he questioned, he knew she'd been hospitalised.

"Ah, no, in Sealview," she replied and watched his eyes widen in fear. "Harris ... he tried to rape me ... he didn't...Fin got there just in time...another few seconds and it would have been a different story but it didn't matter, the damage was done," she admitted, forcing herself to look at him.

"Why didn't you tell me, Liv?" he asked, his pain showing in his eyes and in his voice. "I asked you that day if you were okay, and you said yes, you should have told me, if not as your partner, then as your friend."

"I couldn't," Olivia replied, shaking her head."I didn't want to admit it even happened – especially to you."

"Why to me?" he asked quietly.

"I couldn't tell you as my partner because I didn't want you blaming yourself and I didn't want you to think I was a liability on the job because I couldn't take care of myself..." she said, the two years of therapy allowing her to voice the thoughts which had haunted her for so long.

"I would never have thought that," Elliot said, squeezing her hand.

"Yeah, well, I wasn't too sure...and then I couldn't tell you as a friend because I was already so in love with you and I felt ashamed and embarrassed," she admitted and he pulled her closer and kissed her head.

"It was never your fault, Liv, you know that, don't you?" he asked, holding onto her.

"Yeah, I do now...it just took me some time to get there," she said, reaching up to cup his face. "And it will take you time to work through things too but you'll get to where you need to be too."

For a long while, Elliot stared down at her, too many emotions swirling within him to name. It was Olivia who helped him out.

"Do you remember a conversation we had a while back about us both being pathetic or hopeless because we needed each other so desperately?" she asked and he nodded.

"Well, maybe we need to form a support group because, going by your definition of addiction, I am addicted to you. I need you more than I ever thought possible and although I hate being that dependent on anything, I've just learned to accept that it is part of my life now and that regardless of what's going on, I'm far happier dealing with it together with you than being without you," she said, moving out of his arms. "So, I guess the only question is whether you think you would be better sorting out your life without me in it? Think about it for a while."

Olivia went inside the villa before Elliot could answer. She knew she couldn't expect him to make a clear decision while she was still in his arms, he'd already admitted he couldn't do it. Changing into a red bikini, wrapped her sarong around her and grabbed a towel before heading past Elliot and down to the beach. She was only four steps past him when Elliot made up his mind.

"Liv, would you marry me?" he asked and she spun around.

"When?" she questioned.

"Today, tomorrow, as soon as possible?" he offered, holding out his hand.

"Yes."

**Thank you for reading, please review!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: They are not mine.  
**

After a swim, a long leisurely lunch and some time spent entwined in the hammock, Elliot reappeared on the porch, freshly dressed in blue shorts and a paler blue tee. Olivia eyed him curiously. While they had spent many summers together she could never remember him wearing shorts that were so short. She'd seen him in three quarter length pants, cargo pants, Bermuda shorts, boxers, briefs and swimming trunks, but looking at the cotton fabric now stretched over his butt as he bent to put on his sandals, she just thought it was odd.

"What?" he asked, with a smirk, as he caught her staring.

"The shorts..." she began, gesturing to him. "Never seen you wear them before."

"Never have," he said. "Well, not since I was a kid," he corrected. "Always been self conscious of it."

"You've got nothing to be self conscious about," Olivia replied. "You've got amazing legs."

"No," he corrected, coming over to kiss her. "You have amazing legs, I have hairy tree trunks."

"Your legs are amazing," she repeated, running a hand up the back of his thigh, her fingers creeping under the hem of the shorts. "You know why?"

"Why?" he asked, enjoying her fingers kneading his flesh.

"'Cos they lead to your cute tushie," she said with a laugh.

"My cute tushie? What am I two?" he asked as her hand cupped his butt.

"No, but it doesn't make it any less cute," she said, standing and planting both hands firmly on his butt.

"Well, I guess if it's just you calling it cute and tushie, I can live with it," he said, as his lips brushed across hers.

"Glad to hear it," she muttered, squeezing his butt.

Before she could take the kiss any further, Elliot pulled back and Olivia pouted.

"If I let you have your way with me, I'll never get into town," he explained, his thumb brushing over her cheek.

"Why are we going to town?" she asked.

"Not we, me," he corrected. "I'm going into town to do some investigating."

"Investigating what?" she questioned, her hands falling to her side.

"Investigating what I have to do to ensure you're my wife by the time we leave here," he said, kissing her briefly.

"Get married here?" she asked, her eyes widening.

"Yeah," he replied. "Unless you don't want to..."

"Oh, I want to," she said nodding quickly. "I definitely want to."

"Glad to hear it," he replied, pulling back as she went to kiss him again.

"Can I come with you?" she asked, as he checked he had his wallet and keys.

"Not this time," he said, grabbing his sunglasses from the table.

"But it's my wedding too," she said, pouting once more.

"I know," he replied, squeezing her hand. "But there's something special I want to do and I want it to be a surprise. I promise I'll bring everything back and I won't make a decision without you."

"Fine," she sighed dramatically. "I'll stay here...all alone ... with no one around...maybe I'll go for a swim ... naked..."

"Save that til I get back," he said, kissing her head.

.

When Elliot returned three hours later, he had an armful of booklets, brochures and fliers, as well as two brown paper carry bags and a huge smile on his face.

"Honey, I'm home," he called out as he entered the villa and deposited the items on the dining table. "Liv?" He walked into their bedroom expecting to find her there or in the bathroom but she wasn't to be found. Thinking she may have headed to the beach, he made his way down the white sandy trail and looked along the picture perfect beach but there was not a soul to be seen.

Slightly concerned by this, Elliot returned to the villa, looking for a note or any other indication as to where Olivia may have gone, but there was nothing, except some small red splotches on the kitchen floor that looked remarkably like blood to him. That's when his slight concern began to grow. Knowing she didn't have her cell as reception here was poor, he couldn't call her; instead he wrote her a quick note and left it on the table.

_Liv, I'm looking for you. If you come back STAY here. El_

Taking the path to the east of the villa, Elliot jogged along, looking for any sign his wife to be had headed this way but there was nothing but his own footprints dotting the sand. Turning around, he decided that the westerly path from the villa may be the better option. To his delight there were footprints embedded in the sand and although he wasn't positive they were Olivia's they were about the right size.

"Olivia?" he yelled, hoping she'd hear him from wherever she was, but he got no response. "Liv?"

Following the trail into scrub, he watched as the footprints disappeared where the track left the sand and became rocky. "Olivia?" he called, wondering what on earth would possess her to walk this way. When nothing was heard back, his level of concern escalated, and the fading light of day did nothing to help his distress.

Not wanting to go further into the scrub and waste time, if Olivia hadn't gone there, Elliot backtracked along the trail calling out but only birds responded. As he searched, his mind couldn't help but wander and while he knew Olivia was extremely capable of taking care of herself and that she was far safer in St Vincent than she was in New York City, Elliot was worrying. With everything else that had happened to him over the past year, he had learned that nothing was forever and it made his blood run cold.

Needless to say by the time the villa was in sight, he was struggling with all the negative emotions and thoughts which had engulfed him. Approaching the villa, he saw there had been a light turned on and his slow jog became a sprint. Taking all three steps at once, Elliot threw the door opened and stopped abruptly when he saw Olivia standing in the middle of the room, setting the table for an intimate dinner. Startled, when Elliot barrelled in, Olivia still had the fork in her hand in mid air.

One look at Elliot's face told her of his distress.

"God, Elliot, what's wrong?" she asked, dropping the fork and running over to him. "What happened?"

"Where...have ...you been?" he panted, his hands running over her arms and shoulders.

"Went to make a phone call and came straight back. I was gone less than twenty minutes," she replied, her hands cupping his face.

"Blood," he said, gesturing to the floor. "There was blood and you were gone and you were supposed to be here and..."

"Shh, shh," she soothed, stroking his face. "I had a little accident," she said, holding up her right index finger with the bandaid wrapped around it. "I cut it when I was making the fruit salad for dessert."

"You cut your finger?" he repeated, staring at the injured digit.

"Yeah," she replied. "It's not too bad. There was a lot of blood but it's not too deep."

Wrapping her arms around him tightly, Olivia pressed her body against his and kissed his head repeatedly; wanting nothing more than to take away the fear she'd seen in his eyes when he'd first returned. She knew the man in her arms wasn't the same one she'd spent years with on the street, the one who could deal with anyone or anything, usually without breaking a sweat. Once again she cursed Kathy for taking away the man she first fell in love with all those years ago and replacing him with a man who had lost his self confidence, his self reliance and himself all due to a lie.

Eventually, Elliot pulled back and dropped his gaze, ashamed at his overreaction to something so innocuous. Deciding to ease the situation, Olivia held up her finger once more.

"Now you're back, baby, can you do me a favour?" she asked, her uninjured hand still draped across his shoulder.

"Anything, Liv," he mumbled, slowly looking up at her.

"Can you kiss it better?" she asked. While she would never let on, Olivia was sure there were tears in his eyes as his lips met her finger.

"That feel better?" he asked, not really meeting her gaze.

"Much," she said with a smile. "The healing power of a kiss is quite amazing."

"Really?" he asked, his watery eyes finally meeting hers.

"Yeah," she replied, stroking his cheek.

"Can you kiss me then?" he asked sadly, and Olivia willingly obliged.

Although she knew the future for them would consist of a million kisses and it would help in the healing process, she also knew there was a whole lot of therapy and counselling on the agenda too.

.

After dinner, Olivia and Elliot sat on the sofa, looking through all the wedding information he had garnered. There were simple services, elaborate ones, ones which were too touristy, others which were just not them. By midnight, they had decided on the one that was perfect for them; an intimate ceremony on a white, sandy beach at sunset, a bouquet of tropical flowers, casual dress and bare feet. Olivia wasn't sure why, but they had to have bare feet.

"We could do the nudist option," Elliot said with a laugh, "And have bare everything."

"Would you do it?" she asked, pulling back and raising an eyebrow.

"Would you?" he countered.

"I would if you would," she said, studying him.

"I would if you would," he said, bravely.

"I would ..." she said breaking out into a grin. "But I think we both might be a bit distracted."

"Maybe," he conceded, glad she was giving them the out. "Besides," he added, pulling her close and kissing her head. "We wouldn't be able to show the wedding pics to anyone."

.

Early the next morning, Elliot stirred to find Olivia sitting on the floor beside the bed.

"Liv?" he said, reaching out and touching her shoulder, causing her to startle. "Sorry," he quickly added. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she replied, swiping at her eyes, but although she removed the liquid tears, they were still evident in her voice.

"Try again," he said, scooting across the bed before dropping onto the floor beside her. "What's wrong, sweetheart?" he asked again, his arm wrapping around her shoulders and drawing her to him.

Sighing deeply, Olivia rested her head on his shoulder, while her fingers entwined with his. Gently he kissed her head before leaning back and waiting, he knew she had shown extraordinary patience with him over the years, he could afford her a few minutes of silence to collect her thoughts.

Five minutes passed, then ten and Elliot would have thought Olivia was sleeping except for the fact her fingers kept moving in his.

"Livvy," he started quietly. "You can tell me anything, you know."

"I know," she replied just as quietly.

"Whatever it is," he continued, trying to ease her into the conversation.

"It's nothing really," she replied, with a sigh.

"Liv, it's three in the morning and we've sitting on the floor for twenty minutes in silence. I think it's something," he observed, his hand dropping hers to cup her face. "Please talk to me, baby."

"God, I love you, Elliot," she replied and his stomach lurched.

"I love you too, Liv," he replied. "With all my heart."

"Had a dream," she said, finally offering him something.

"Bad dream?" he asked, stroking her cheek.

"Nope," she replied, gazing at him.

"Good dream?" he asked, not believing it was, but having to ask.

"Nope," she repeated, shaking her head.

"Then what?" he asked, trying to get a read on her emotions.

"Wasn't any sort of dream," she explained. "Nothing of any consequence anyway."

"Then why are you awake and sitting on the floor?" he asked and it prompted her to stand up and slip back into bed, Elliot followed her.

.

After a few more minutes and after she'd nestled herself into Elliot's arms, Olivia began talking without further prompting.

"The dream woke me," she explained as his fingers raked through her hair. "Don't even remember what it was about but I woke up and then I started thinking and then I started crying," she said, pausing once again as her tears welled.

"What were you thinking about?" he asked, pulling her closer.

"I was thinking ... I was thinking about how scared you looked when you came running back in this afternoon and it broke my heart," she admitted. "It's so unlike you to ..."  
"I know," he interrupted. "It was an overreaction and..."

"It wasn't just that," Olivia cut in. "You used to be so sure of yourself, of everything and she took all that away from you – with a lie."

"I know," he admitted. "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" she asked, pulling back. "What on earth are you apologising for?"

"I'm not really the man I was... probably not the man you fell in love with..." Elliot admitted, resignation in his voice. "So, I'd understand if you didn't want-"

"NO! Don't you dare even finish that thought!" Olivia interjected, grabbing his face and making him look at her.

"But, Liv..." he began again.

"No, Elliot! No 'but' anything," she said fiercely. "In case you haven't got it yet..." she continued, tapping on his head. "I love you so much ... more than I ever thought possible..."

"But..." he tried again.

"But what?" she all but yelled. "At your toughest time I should what? Just walk away? Leave you alone? Bail out? What?"

"It would be easier for you," he said, not wanting to cause her more pain than necessary.

"Easier?" she countered. "How exactly?"

.

Not being able to think of a suitable answer, Elliot fell silent.

"Do you really want me to go?" she asked. "Do you want time and space?"

"No," he said quietly. As difficult as the past year had been, he knew Olivia leaving could quite possibly prove fatal for him; he wouldn't survive without her.

"Answer me this," she said. "When it's my turn to hit rock bottom, where will you be?"

"Right with you, every moment," he declared, grabbing her close once more.

"Why?" she questioned.

"Because I love you so much, there's no way I'd ever let you go through it alone," he vowed, kissing her head.

"Then why the hell do you want me to walk away from you?" she asked exasperated.

"I don't," he said in a whisper. "I just didn't want you to be disappointed in me ... or worse...start resenting me."

"Will never happen, Elliot. Never!" she declared. "In recent years there have been many times where I've been disappointed or disliked certain things BUT I kept on loving you. You may not believe me, Elliot, but from experience I know that trying not to love you is a lot harder to do than loving you."

"You've been in love with me for a long time, haven't you?" he asked. They'd never actually discussed the true origins of their non platonic feelings.

"Yes, I have," she said. "And there is no way I am giving you up now."

"Thank you," he whispered, as his tears welled. For the first time in a long time, he finally felt he was worth something.

"You don't have to thank me," she replied, kissing his nose. "You just have to love me back and let me in."

"I will. Can I give you something?" he asked, pulling back just enough to see her face properly.

"Sure," she replied. "What is it?"

Elliot slipped out of the bed and retrieved a small blue bag from one of the paper bags he'd brought back earlier. He handed it to Olivia and she tipped it up. A small white box slipped out and she instantly knew it was a ring box.

"An engagement ring?" she asked before she even opened it.

"No, not quite," he said, opening the box. "It's an eternity ring..."

"Doesn't that usually come after the marriage?" she asked, staring at the exquisite piece in front of her.

"It does," he agreed. "Thing is, I wanted you to choose your wedding bands... but, I also wanted you to know that whether we're married today, tomorrow or next year, that I am yours for eternity."

"And I'm yours," she whispered as he slipped the sapphire and diamond encrusted ring onto her finger.

**Thank you for reading, please review!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: They are not mine.  
**

Exhausted by the emotional turmoil he had gone through the day before; Elliot continued to sleep long after Olivia was up and about. Tempted to go for a swim before the day got too hot, she resisted, not wanting Elliot to wake up and find her gone. Instead, she grabbed some paper and a pen and started jotting down the things they needed to organise for their wedding.

It was an hour later that Elliot appeared in the living room, yawning and scratching his chest.

"Liv?" he called before his eyes could truly focus.

"Afternoon, El," she replied and a smile broke out across his face.

"Why'd you let me sleep so long?" he asked, padding across to her.

"Because you were exhausted," she replied, standing up and hugging him.

"Sorry," he apologised, kissing her forehead.

"For what?" she asked, pulling back.

"It's not quite the vacation I had in mind," he said with a sigh, pulling her back to him.

"Sweetheart," she said, framing his face with her hands. "This trip was to sort things out ... and that's what we are doing."

"It's not going to be sorted out quickly, is it?" he said, resting his forehead on hers.

"No, it's not," she replied, stroking his face. "But that's why we're going to make a plan."

Taking his hand, she led him to the sofa and climbed onto his lap, nestling herself into his arms.

"We're getting married the day after tomorrow," she began, stroking his chest. "And that will be the beginning of something really beautiful for us," she continued as she felt his lips press against her head. "Now, I know that doesn't mean that everything will be magically fixed and we'll live happily ever after but it gives us a starting point."

"Yeah, it does," he agreed quietly.

"I know when we get back to New York, I'll go back to work, and really, the biggest difference will be that I'm no longer officially single. What will happen to you?" she asked, wanting to see if he had any plan.

"I want to call that therapist you mentioned," he started slowly. "And I am thinking of giving myself three months to just sort my head out and find some direction. Maybe look at some other career options – or some further study. Is that alright with you?" he asked, raising her head so he could see her eyes.

"That's more than alright with me," she replied, snaking her hands around his neck.

Several deep breaths later, Elliot continued.

"Livia, I don't want to be a burden to you, I-" he started.

"You're not," she interjected, pulling him down to her.

"I don't know what else is out there for me..." he continued and her brow furrowed. "Work wise," he clarified and she smiled.

"The NYPD could use someone with your experience," Olivia offered as she rubbed his chest.

"Nah," he said, shaking his head. "Don't think they'd have me back...besides, I don't think I'd pass the psych eval at the moment." He paused for a few moments. "Got any other suggestions?" he asked, not able to think of anything he wanted to spend the next twenty years doing.

"A few," she said, stroking his face.

"Yeah? What are they?" he asked hopefully.

"Well, you could do some PI work, or take your brother-in-law up on his offer to be his partner with the home renovations business or you could go through a job agency and see what's out there," she reeled off, hoping something might spark an interest.

"Yeah, maybe," he said, though he was non-committal.

Olivia considered her next few words; she'd wanted to discuss something with him but had wondered if the opportunity was ever going to be right.

"What is it, baby?" he asked, caressing her face.

Baby – now there was an ironic choice of words.

"Liv, what is it?" he prompted, drawing her face up.

"Have you ever..." she started before correcting herself. "Do you ever think..." That wasn't the right way to start either. "Is it possible..."

"What do you want to know, Livia?" he asked gently, his eyes locked with hers.

"Having a family with me ... a baby... have you ever thought about it?" she asked quietly.

"Yeah, I have," he admitted just as quietly, nodding.

"Is it something you want to do?" she asked, catching her breath."I mean after everything with Eli I can understand you not wanting..."

"I do want a baby with you, Livia," he said, leaning down to kiss her lips.

"Are you sure?" she asked. "It will be a big thing and I don't want to put any pressure on you."

"I am sure," he said. "It's one thing that I wanted to talk to you about during this trip. I know it might bring up some difficult memories but I do want you to have my baby. That, of course, is if you want it."

"Oh, I really do," she said, kissing him. "I think having a little me and you running around would be pretty amazing."

"So do I," he agreed kissing her back.

"Well, if we're going to increase our family, then maybe you don't need to find anything long term. Maybe I can keep working and you can be Mr Mom," she suggested and couldn't help but smile when Elliot grinned.

"I think that would be the perfect job," he said, believing that it would afford him the opportunity to be a father, a real father, once more.

After a short pause, Elliot shifted Olivia in his arms so he could look at her.

"Liv, did you have a timeline in mind?" he asked quietly.

"For the baby?" she asked, reaching up to caress his face. He nodded. "Well, as I'm not getting any younger, we can't really afford to wait. So, I think the sooner the better, but I don't want to force..."

"You hardly have to force me, Olivia," he said with a chuckle. "I'd be a very willing participant."

"In the conception, maybe, but what about dealing with a baby... especially if it's a baby boy?" she asked, her fingers raking his hair.

"As I said, it may bring up a few things but I'll be getting help... it will be good, you'll see," he promised, kissing her nose.

"In that case, we could start trying now, if you want. I always thought there was something romantic about a honeymoon baby," she replied, trailing kisses along his jaw.

"Right now?" he asked, edging them forward on the sofa in case she said yes.

"Well, I was thinking of going for a swim first, cool down a bit before we heat things up again, You interested?" she asked, climbing from his lap.

"Sure," he replied, standing up. "Just let me get changed."

Olivia tugged his hand before he could head to the bedroom.

"Clothes are so overrated, El. What if we try swimming au natural this time?" she asked raising an eyebrow.

"You're kidding, right?" he asked but as she seductively removed her clothing in the middle of the living room, Elliot realised she wasn't. "You're ...um ... are you going to ... ah... walk down there naked?" he asked, a slight sweat breaking out across his brow.

"Yep," she replied with a grin.

"Stark naked?" he questioned, not believing she'd do it.

"Well, not totally naked," she said caressing his face. "I'll be wearing sunscreen."

"But what if there's someone around?" he questioned.

"We haven't seen a soul since we've been here, El," she gently reminded him.

"Yeah, I know...but," he replied, shaking his head.

"I'm taking a towel, Elliot. So, if there is someone around, I'll wrap to around me."

"Oh, okay," he said, nodding.

"You don't have to do it," she said, gesturing to his boxers. "I'll understand if you choose not to."

Elliot thought about it for a moment. The last time he had run around on a beach naked, he was two and his diaper had fallen off. Still, if Olivia could do it, so could he. After all, his body was nothing to be ashamed of, and, besides, if anyone was looking, it would be Olivia getting all the attention.

Stripping off, Elliot grabbed the two beach towels and the sunscreen as Olivia picked up two bottles of water and waited by the door. She bit her lip to stop from laughing when she saw Elliot take a few nervous deep breaths and try and steel himself for the journey outdoors.

"Ready, babe?" she asked, holding out her hand.

"Sure," he said, without confidence. After all, it was only him and Olivia and the ocean.

Without a second thought, Olivia opened the door and almost danced down the steps in excitement. Elliot could only laugh at her exuberance and he paused for a moment, he couldn't remember her ever looking so free and happy. Right there, he vowed he'd devote his life to ensuring her happiness would be the rule, rather than the exception in their lives.

"Coming?" she asked and without thinking he looked down in case the passion he felt had materialised in a visual form. It hadn't, yet.

"Right with you," he replied, closing the door behind him and taking her hand once more.

For the best part of the next hour they swam, frolicked and relaxed in the gentle waters of the ocean. Coming to rest on the shore line with the tiny waves lapping her legs, Olivia watched Elliot dive down into the deeper waters, collecting the shells she had wanted. Each time he'd dive down, his butt would pop up out of the water and Olivia would grin. To her, shells were entirely overrated, however, this diving demonstration by Elliot was worth it and she'd collect a thousand shells if they were collected by this method.

When he was satisfied he'd gathered enough, Elliot swum ashore and dropped them onto his towel.

"Twenty seven, ma'am," he said with a grin. "Would you like anymore?"

"Maybe tomorrow," she said. Now that he was within reach, she'd rather be touching his butt than watching it.

"Okay," he said, moving to sit with her on her towel.

"Anything else I can do for you, Livia?" he asked as she edged over and gently pushed him back onto the towel.

"Oh, let me think," she said seductively as she moved on top of him. "I think something will come up." She grinned widely as it did.

Spending some quality time entwined on the white sandy beach, both were more than sated and satisfied by the time the sun got too hot for them.

"How about we go cool off in the shower and have an afternoon siesta?" Elliot suggested, standing up and collecting the shells once more.

"Mmm, that could be good," Olivia replied, smiling dreamily. "A cool spa bath might be better though," she added. "Might get all this sand out of those hard to reach places ... and then some lunch, I've worked up quite an appetite."

"Deal," he said, taking her hands and helping her up before quickly kissing her.

Sauntering back to their villa, Elliot had the towels tossed over his arm as he opened the door and took a step in.

"I'll just go run...SHIT!" he exclaimed and Olivia froze in the doorway behind him.

"El.. Elliot ... Sir," said Michael looking as freaked as he sounded.

"Jesus Christ!" Elliot growled, wrapping a towel around him and handing Olivia the other. "What the hell?"

"Um...Olivia... invited..." he started to explain looking at the floor.

"I invited them," Olivia said quietly. "I thought it would be nice to have witnesses to our wedding that we actually knew and loved," she added, stepping in front of her husband to be.

"Them?" Elliot questioned.

"Yeah, well, ah, Mo is in the bathroom," he said, gesturing towards the door. "We have the villa four doors away and we thought we'd come surprise you but you weren't here. Mo really needed the bathroom and the door was unlocked and we didn't think you'd mind," he said rapidly, still looking anywhere but at them.

"We don't mind at all," Olivia said, patting his arm as she walked past. "We just were a little underdressed for the occasion."

"Yeah," Michael mumbled.

Not fully aware of the events that had just unfolded; Maureen came out of the bathroom and enthusiastically embraced her father and Olivia before she noted the tension still in the room.

"What's wrong?" she asked, looking from Michael to Elliot. "Didn't you want us here?"  
"That's not it," Michael said, "Let's just go back to our villa and then we can catch up for an early dinner, if that's alright with you both?" he said, finally looking up at Olivia.

"That sounds great," she said with a smile. "Why don't you come back at five and we can head into town and catch up."

"Why won't you tell me what's going on?" Maureen protested as Michael tried to usher her to the door. Leaning in, he whispered in her ear and Maureen burst out laughing. Seeing the discomfort in her fiancé and in her father, she decided some breathing space before dinner might be good. "We'll see you at five," she said heading out.

When the door closed behind them, Maureen's laughter could be heard all the way down the path; Elliot just hung his head further and wondered if he'd ever see the funny side. Olivia took his hand and led him to the bathroom.

"How about that spa now?" Olivia asked, dropping her towel on the bathroom floor.

"I think we should wear swimsuits, just in case we get more visitors," Elliot said, only half joking.

Olivia burst out laughing.

"My god," she said with a chuckle. "Could you be any cuter?"

"Don't think Mike thought I was cute – standing there naked," he said, his eyes not quite meeting Olivia's.

"Well, I do," she said, stepping into the tub and holding out her hand to Elliot. "You think you could get naked just for me?" she asked quietly, trying not to laugh.

"Only for you, Livia, only for you."

**Thank you for reading, please review!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: They are not mine.  
**

Waking feeling extremely relaxed and rested, for the first time in a long time, Elliot saw Olivia slipping on a blue sun dress and matching sandals.

"Going somewhere?" he asked, propping himself up on his elbow.

"Yeah, Mo and I are going to town to do some shopping," she explained, coming to sit in front of him.

"For anything in particular?" he asked as she caressed his face.

"Yeah, dresses for tomorrow...thought something new would be nice," she said, as he sat up.

"I'd marry you in anything ... or nothing..." he said grinning as he kissed her.

"Well, the nude wedding isn't possible now," she explained. "Given Mo and Mike are here – unless you're more comfortable about them seeing you n-."

"No, definitely not...." he interjected firmly. "Actually, I'm thinking of wearing a three piece suit and..."

"You are not," she said with a chuckle. "Why don't you and Mike do something today?"

"Like?" he asked.

"Well, there's whole lot of recreational activities available, everything from parasailing to scuba diving. Then there's golf or sailing or you two could just hang out here," she suggested, standing up and grabbing the compendium of brochures from the dresser.

"What makes you think Mike's gonna want to hang out with me anyway?" he asked, sitting up in the edge of the bed, taking the compendium as she handed it to him.

"Because Mo is bringing him here with her this morning and then we're taking the car they hired for the day," she explained, brushing her hair.

"Why?" he asked, not wanting a day of unease.

"Because she thinks it's a good idea for you two to spend the day together, just like we are," she explained, returning her brush to the dresser.

.

For a while he watched her as she moved around the room, collecting the items she required for her day out with his daughter. Then it struck him...

"Olivia," he drawls. "Why are Maureen and Mike in St Vincent's four doors away from us?" He had meant to ask the day previous, but had forgotten in the embarrassment of the moment.

"We needed witnesses for our wedding," she replied, like it should be obvious.

"And..." he prompted.

"Well, I know we could have had the wedding organiser and photographer, like a lot of other couples do, but I wanted something a little more personal," she said, standing in front of him. "They were supposed to get here today – it was a surprise for you."

"I think Mike got the surprise," he said with half a laugh.

"You don't mind them sharing our day with us, do you?" she asked, her hands framing his face, as his hands wandered around to her butt.

"Of course not," he replied. "I'm very happy about that. Not sure what the other kids will say but I'm glad they're here."

"Ah... well, you see..." Olivia started slowly.

"I see what, Olivia?" he asked, he knew the expression on her face meant she was up to something.

"The other three will be here by lunch tomorrow," she said nervously.

"They will?" he asked, his eyes widening.

"The twins couldn't miss school because of some exam so Kathleen's coming in with them tomorrow," she said, sitting on his leg. "I didn't think you'd want to get married without your kids."

.

Elliot laughed. While it was he who organised their vacation, and had picked the most idyllic romantic place he could afford, and was eager to married the woman in his lap, he had to admit, he had been saddened by the prospect of his children not being there to share the moment.

"So, you're alright with it?" she asked, though it was really too late to change things.

"More than," he replied, kissing her neck. "I think it's wonderful – thank you, Livia."

Claiming his lips with hers, Olivia mumbled "You're welcome," into his mouth.

.

Sitting down in the mid afternoon for lunch, with shopping bags by her side, Olivia let out a sigh as she looked at the picturesque island vista the restaurant balcony view afforded them.

"Something wrong, Livvy?" Maureen asked, sitting down opposite.

"No, no," Olivia reassured her. "It's just so beautiful, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is," she agreed quickly. "Dad picked the perfect place, didn't he?"

"Yes, he did a great job," she replied as the waitress poured them both a tall glass of ice cold water.

Over lunch, the conversation was as bright and breezy as the weather around them. They laughed over the encounter the day before between Michael and Elliot and they compared notes on the dresses they had purchased; both were of similar colour, however, Olivia's was longer and Maureen's had beads hand sewn around the neckline. They exchanged stories about Elliot and made the other promise not to tell.

As the waitress cleared away their plates, Olivia perused the dessert menu and debated between the fruit salad and ice cream option or the baked cheesecake with whipped cream one.

"What do you think, Mo?" she asked, looking across at her very soon to be step-daughter. "Mo?" she prompted when she caught her staring off into space, tension clearly etched on her face. "Sweetie?" she said, taking hold of her hand. "What is it?"

"Oh, nothing," she said, shaking her head. "I was just thinking."

"Of what?" Olivia probed. "It looked far more serious than which dessert to choose."

"Doesn't matter," she said, shaking her head once more. "I think I'll have the chocolate cheesecake."

.

Orders taken, Olivia sat back in her chair and studied the younger woman.

"Ask?" she prompted. "There's obviously something playing on your mind, honey."

"No, it's okay," she said, looking anywhere but at Olivia. "It was a silly thought."

"I bet it wasn't," she replied, reaching for Maureen's hand once more. "Talk to me, Mo."

"I can't, Liv," she said, her eyes filling with tears.

"Why not, honey?" she asked, slipping into the chair beside Maureen's.

"Because if you don't like it, you're going to hate me asking and that will ruin everything we've developed," she replied, wiping away a traitorous tear.

"I'm never going to hate anything about you, Maureen Stabler," she said gently, drawing her face around. "Especially not for a question."

"Okay," she conceded. "Just feel free to say no if you want and..."

"Maureen?" she said firmly.

"Okay, you see, here's the thing ... Mike's promotion takes effect sooner than we thought. It was supposed to be June but it's April now," she said before taking a deep breath.

"That's only next month," Olivia said, wondering how Elliot was going to take the news.

"Yeah, I know and I had planned on being married before we left for DC. We didn't have much time, so Mike and I thought we'd marry at City Hall before we left and maybe then get married again when we came home for Thanksgiving or Christmas, you know, with everyone else," she explained, playing with her glass.

"City Hall is not really romantic though, is it?" Olivia asked, as she looked to the beach once more.

"No, it's not," she said sadly. "Then I had this idea that maybe...you know, with the twins and Kathleen coming here, that Mike and I could ... well, no... it wouldn't be right," she said, answering her own unspoken question.

"You and Mike could get married here; Is that what you were going to say?" Olivia asked, squeezing her hand.

"Well, yeah... it's just so beautiful and everyone will be here and it will be a happy time but it's your day, I'm sorry I shouldn't have said anything," Maureen said, shaking her head.

"I think it would be perfect if you and Mike got married tomorrow with your dad and I," she said, delighted at the prospect.

"You do?" Maureen asked, wide-eyed. "Really?"

"Yes, I do," she reassured the young woman. "You and your dad have become really close this year and he is going to miss you desperately, so am I. It will be nice to have this to share."

.

Meanwhile, Elliot's day with Michael was going better than either had anticipated. They had spent the morning playing at the local golf course. Elliot had never golfed in his life, Michael had been twice, so between them they had little idea of how to play properly. Finishing twenty three and nineteen over par respectively, after the first nine holes, both agreed to omit this activity when later speaking to their partners.

Over lunch and a few beers, in the golf club house, they relaxed back into the relationship they had prior to the encounter the day before. It was over their steak meal that Michael informed Elliot of their earlier than expected departure from New York. Although he took the news well, he couldn't help but feel saddened by it. Not wanting it to be a dark cloud hanging over them, he just shook his head.

"Well, Mike, same thing goes, you take care of her or you'll be answering to me," he warned, although in a non threatening manner.

"I will, El, I promise," he replied, and he meant it; not because he was scared of Elliot, well, he was but that wasn't it. It was because there was no way on earth he would do anything to hurt Maureen.

.

After lunch, the men decided to check out Fort Charlotte and spent hours looking at the various artefacts associated with the two hundred year old army fortification. Caught up in the history, neither realised just how long they'd been there until Michael's cell rang.

"You're either having a great time or you've killed him," Maureen said, when her fiancé answered.

"It's the former," he replied with a smile.

"Glad to hear it," she answered. "Where are you?"

"Fort Charlotte, where are you?" he responded as Elliot walked back to him.

"We're back at our villa," she replied. "Liv's just making some iced tea and then we are going to relax on the porch."

"Sounds good to me," he said. "We're nearly done here anyway. We'll be back in forty five minutes or so."

"Great, just in time to take us to dinner," she said with a giggle.

"And where does my lady wish to dine?" he asked, turning from Elliot.

"Anywhere you like," she replied.

"What if I want to dine in our bed?" he whispered.

"Well, that's okay," Maureen replied. "But it may be a bit crowded with Liv and dad too."

.

Dinner was at a local restaurant that specialised in the fresh produce available from the island. Though he couldn't name half of what he'd eaten, Elliot enjoyed it. What he enjoyed more was dancing with his fiancée knowing that this was the last night either of them would be single. With his hands draped around her as she rested her head in the crook of his neck, they gently swayed to the island rhythms coming from the four piece band.

"You tired, baby?" he asked as she mumbled dreamily and sighed.

"Just happy," she replied, looking up at him with a blissful expression. "You?"

"Not too tired," he whispered hoarsely in her ear. "But I wouldn't mind taking you to bed."

"Too sleep?" she asked, cocking her head. "Because you realise that's all we'll be doing tonight, don't you?"

"No, why?" he asked, standing still in the middle of the dance floor.

"I just thought that as we weren't observing any of the more traditional customs, like no sex before marriage, or not seeing the bride before the wedding, then we could go one night without sex," she said. "Don't you?"

"Well, we could," he replied, dancing once more. "I suppose with the kids staying with Mo and Mike tomorrow night, then we'll be able to make up for lost time."

"Oh," Olivia said, stilling once more. The plan had been for the three younger Stablers' to stay with Maureen and Michael but if they were sharing the wedding day, it would also be their wedding night and the three would be in the way.

"Oh, what?" he asked, planting his hands on her shoulders.

"Well..."

.

As she explained the events of the day, Elliot listened intently. Upon hearing Maureen's plan to get married with them, he grinned.

"So you're alright with it?" she asked.

"Definitely," he replied.

"I did ask her about getting married without her mom present, but she just said she'd phone her and explain it," she offered as Elliot looked deep in thought.

"Mike didn't say anything about this today," Elliot remarked, completely ignoring the mention of his ex-wife's name.

"By the looks of things, I think she's telling him now," Olivia said, and a few minutes later the young couple came across to them.

After an exchange of partners, Elliot danced with his daughter and made sure she was happy to get married without her mother present. Maureen reassured him in no uncertain terms that she was, their relationship was still extremely tenuous. Michael danced with his step-mother-in-law to be and wanted to make sure Olivia and Elliot were really okay with them infringing on their wedding day.

"We are more than okay," Olivia reassured him. "Are you okay with getting married tomorrow?"

"Oh yeah, most definitely," he said adamantly. "But how do we go about the legalities of it? Don't you need seven days notice or something?"

"You do, but Mo and I went to see the wedding organiser today, she was able to pull the same strings she'd done for El and I and you're all set," she informed him.

"Well, that's wonderful then," he said, grinning broadly.

Just as quickly, his smile faded.

"What is it, Mike?" Olivia asked, stopping at the edge of the dance floor.

"It will be our wedding night tomorrow – well, mine and Mo's not yours and mine," he amended quickly as Olivia smirked. "And well, the kids are staying with us, aren't they?" he asked, thinking about just how much of a kink they'd put in their wedding night festivities.

"They were but we couldn't do that to you now," she said, smiling at the look of relief on his face. "They'll stay with us."

"But won't that...." he went to ask but then realised he had no business discussing Olivia and Elliot's plans for sex on their wedding night.

"We'll sort something out," she replied as Elliot and Maureen came back to them.

.

Taking his soon to be wife in his arms and spinning her around, Elliot reached down and kissed her thoroughly.

"God, take me home now, please?" she begged softly, pulling on his shirt.

"Sure," he replied with a grin. "You have to get your beauty sleep."

"Sleep is the last thing on my mind," she cooed softly as her hand snaked down between them and grabbed the one thing she was currently thinking about.

Elliot eyes nearly popped of his head when she squeezed his length.

"Thought we weren't having .... sex," he growled trying to disengage her hand before anything else happened.

"Changed my mind," she said, pressing into him. "Kids have to stay with us tomorrow night so I think we should have our wedding night tonight ....unless you don't want to?"

"I want to...god, how I want to!"

And for the next few hours, in the privacy of their secluded villa, with the island breeze drifting through the open windows, Olivia and Elliot celebrated their love with a passion and tenderness neither had ever experienced.

**Thank you for reading, please review!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: They are not mine.**

**AN: This is where we end this journey for now, thanks for your support.  
**

The day was a picture perfect one for St Vincent. The sun shone, the sea breeze was soft and gentle and the sound of serenity filled the air. Olivia swang slowly in the hammock as Maureen sat at the table on the porch and made sure the batteries in her digital camera were fresh. While there was a photographer booked as part of the wedding package, she intended to take a million photos to capture this day. Well, maybe not a million, her camera only held 600, and it wouldn't be her, most likely Dickie, who had shown quite an eye for photographic endeavours but still, she'd make sure it was ready.

Elliot and Michael had been charged with the responsibility of picking up the youngest Stablers from the airport, making sure they had everything they needed and being back at the villa by four; the wedding was set for six, and would be followed by dinner at the Frangipani Hotel.

Olivia glanced at her watch, it was the first day she'd worn it on this trip, but she didn't want things to run late. Seeing it was nearly half past three, she stood up and stretched.

"I think I may just go soak in the tub for a while, Mo, before the others get here. Is that okay with you?" she asked, scooping up her bottle of water and taking a long drink.

"Yeah, sounds like a good idea. I'll have one after you," she replied. All her things were here at the villa, it's where she would get ready. The guys would prepare at her villa.

.

Contentedly submersed in jasmine scented water, Olivia lay dreamily in the spa tub, not quite believing she was just a couple of hours away from marrying Elliot. Elliot, the man she was desperately, deeply and devoutly in love with, and had been for a long time. Elliot, the man who had changed her life in every conceivable way since they first met a decade ago.

.

Suddenly she sat bolt upright, the water splashing out onto the floor. The word 'conceivable' running repeatedly through her head like a stuck record.

Conceivable.

Conceivable.

Conceivable.

.

Quickly, her hand felt her stomach, not that she expected to find any evidence, but it was registering that her period was two weeks late. Was it possible? Could she have conceived when they broke the six week drought? She shook herself vigorously and more water splashed out.

"Liv, are you alright in there?" Maureen called out but Olivia was too preoccupied to hear her. "Olivia?" When she heard nothing, she knocked again but when this also failed to get a response, Maureen opened the door and peeked around it. "Olivia? Are you alright?"

Olivia looked up, her eyes wide and although not quite panicked, not far from it. Yes, it was true she and Elliot had agreed a child was a good thing, and yes, a honeymoon baby was something special, but right now she was still stunned by the thought.

"What's wrong, Olivia?" Maureen asked, squatting beside the bathtub

"No...nothing," she stammered, her eyes locking with Maureen's; seeing the same eyes she saw every time she looked at Elliot. Instantly, she wondered if her baby would have the deep blue Stabler orbs, or whether they would be chocolate brown.

"It's something," Maureen said, patting Olivia's hand as it gripped the side of the tub.

"I...I...just realised ... it's probably nothing," she amended, shaking her head.

"What did you realise?" she probed, she'd never seen Olivia like this before and it concerned her greatly.

.

Before Olivia could answer, the sound of the rest of the family filled the villa and ended the conversation.

"Tell them I'll be out in a minute," Olivia said and Maureen headed to the door.

After embracing her siblings, who were all delighted at the double celebration, Maureen pulled Elliot to the side as she watched the bathroom door.

"What's up, honey?" he asked, concerned by look on her face.

"I think there's something wrong with Liv," she said in hushed tones. "She wouldn't tell me what but I think you should..."

Elliot had gone before she could finish the sentence.

.

Rapping softly on the bathroom door, Elliot called her name and she promptly told him to wait. She wanted half a chance to pull herself together before she saw him – he didn't give her that chance.

"Maureen said..." he started, before seeing her sitting on the bathroom floor, dressed only in a towel. "What's wrong, baby?" he asked, kneeling in the pool of water at her feet.

"I'm okay," she said slowly and totally unconvincingly.

"You don't look okay," he replied, taking her hands. "Have you changed your mind?" he asked, it being the only thing he could think of.

"NO! Of course not," she said quickly, clambering to her knees. "I want to marry you ... I need to marry you..." she added, throwing her arms around his neck and pulling him close.

"So, what is it then?" he asked, ignoring the discomfort of the tiles and the dampness of his jeans.

.

Pulling back, Olivia got to her feet before sitting on the edge of the tub; she wanted to tell him, not that it was for certain, just that it was a possibility. However, even though he'd said he wanted it and was happy to be a stay-at-home dad, she wondered whether it would put a dampener on their wedding day.

"You're scaring me, Livia," he said as he stroked her face. "Tell me ... please."

"I was having a bath and I realised something that may or may not be important and it kinda freaked me out," she said, nodding.

"So, what did you realise?" he asked, dropping down in front of her and wrapping his arms around her waist.

"My period's two weeks overdue," she said and waited for the realisation to hit him.

"Is it usually regular, you know, to the day?" he asked, having been too preoccupied with his own life in the past twelve months to take note of such things.

"Can be out by up to a day or two, but never more than 48 hours," she said, and watched as a grin broke out on his face.

"Does that mean you're pregnant?" he asked, pulling her closer.

"Means there's a pretty good chance," she replied, relieved he seemed happy and not in the least freaked by the possibility.

"Well, that's fantastic!" he enthused, hugging her tightly. "Isn't it?" he asked pulling back and noting her still stunned expression.

"Yeah, it is," she said nodding. "It really is."

Dickie pounded on the door and it startled them both.

"Sorry," he called out. "But I can't wait anymore, I really have to pee."

Their moment together was gone.

.

As the sun set in the on the Caribbean isle, it streaked the sky with pink and purple hue. The sea breeze was gentle and the fragrance of jasmine drifted along on faint wisps of air. The pristine white sand was marred only by the footprints of various Stablers and their entourage.

.

Michael and Elliot stood together next to the celebrant, both with their eyes fixed on the taxi which had just pulled up on the road above, the one which contained their future wives. Dickie stood alongside the car, ready to do his duty of giving both away. Lizzie and Kathleen were waiting near their father; they were the bridesmaids and were wearing matching white flowing dresses patterned with soft red roses which Maureen had picked out for them the day before. While dressing they had argued over who would be the maid of honour until Olivia settled it for them. One could be her maid of honour, the other Maureen's – then the argument became who would be whose. A toss of the coin sorted that; Kathleen would be Olivia's.

The first to emerge was Maureen, dressed in a knee length, white summer dress, beaded around the neckline in a simple, yet elegant manner. Her long blonde hair was styled into ringlets with a frangipani poked into her hair, keeping one side tucked behind her ear. Michael gasped as she turned to face him and Elliot couldn't help but smile at his response – he'd known since the first time Maureen had introduced them four years ago that Michael was meant for his girl; not that he ever let Michael in on that little secret.

Looking from Michael back to the car, Elliot watched as Olivia stepped out and suddenly his heart felt ten times bigger than his chest. Her ankle length white dress flowed around her legs, the tighter bodice accentuated the part Elliot was now focused on –her waist; he wondered if he was marrying Olivia, the love of his life, or also marrying the mother of his unborn child. Either way, it was a dream come true. Slowly, his eyes moved up to her face; her radiant smile lit up his world. With her chocolate locks adorned with a pale pink hibiscus, she was a vision of beauty and Elliot suddenly wondered whether this was all for real or just a dream.

.

"Livvy's just beautiful, isn't she, dad?" Kathleen said, moving to her father and wrapping an arm around his waist.

"Yeah," he replied dreamily and Kathleen chuckled. He'd always known Olivia was incredibly beautiful. Not just her physical beauty which he, like any breathing man, had noticed the first moment he set eyes on her, but her inner beauty – her heart, her soul, her essence but today, she was an absolute vision.

Looking down briefly, Elliot tried to control his thoughts before he drooled down the front of his crisp untucked white shirt, which hung over matching white pants; stunningly completing the summer island look.

.

Looking from the brides, to Elliot, Michael laughed when he saw his father in law to be looking at his bare feet, sand between his toes.

"I promise she isn't a mirage," he whispered, leaning over to him. "Liv's really there, El."

Elliot looked up grinning; it was the reassurance he needed. After everything he had endured, he wouldn't have put it past his brain to take a vacation, and take all semblance of sanity with it. Thankfully, it was for real and he watched as his son handed his fiancée and his daughter their tropical floral bouquets as the taxi pulled away.

With their arms linked together Dickie led his sister and stepmother to be, down the sandy trail and towards the small crowd gathered near the water's edge. The wedding organiser hit the play button on the small CD player and the island sounds were replaced by a reggae version of the wedding march.

As the brides neared their destination, Elliot's eyes never left Olivia's face; the tears of joy in her eyes reflected in his. As Dickie dropped their arms and each bride stepped towards their groom, Elliot wrapped his arms around Olivia and hugged her closely, before kissing her briefly.

"Ah, dad," Dickie said with a cough. "Think you're supposed to get married first before you do that."

The rest laughed but as Elliot pulled back, Olivia could see the look of pure happiness on his face. It was the first time in over a year she'd seen him so happy, quickly she pulled him back to her.

"Love you so much, baby," she whispered, kissing the side of his head.

"Love you too, Livia," he replied, kissing her cheek. "Will you marry me?"

"Oh, I think I could manage that," she said with a giggle, sliding her hand into his and turning to face the celebrant.

The ceremony itself was short and simple as vows of love, respect and honesty were exchanged between each couple. As a couple, in turn, both recited the Spouses' Prayer. Maureen and Michael went first, with hands held together and their gaze on each other they began:

**_LORD JESUS, _**_grant that I and my spouse may have a true and understanding love for each other. Grant that we may both be filled with faith and trust. Give us the grace to live with each other in peace and harmony._

**_MAY_**_ we always bear with one another's weaknesses and grow from each other's strengths. Help us to forgive one another's failings and grant us patience, kindness, cheerfulness and the spirit of placing the well-being of one another ahead of self._

**_MAY_**_ the love that brought us together grow and mature with each passing year. Bring us both ever closer to You through our love for each other. Let our love grow to perfection._

**_Amen._**

When it was Elliot and Olivia's turn, the recited the same prayer before Olivia halted proceedings and turned to Elliot.

"You have to know, Elliot, that you are the love of my life. You are by far the strongest and most courageous person I know..." she declared softly before Elliot

shook his head, he had been anything but strong and courageous in the past year and it constantly amazed him Olivia still loved him. "You may not believe me, baby," she whispered, "But you are... I found this, and I thought it was perfect for you...

It takes strength to be firm.  
It takes courage to be gentle.

It takes strength to stand guard.  
It takes courage to let down your guard.

It takes strength to conquer.  
It takes courage to surrender.

It takes strength to be certain.  
It takes courage to have doubt.

It takes strength to fit in.  
It takes courage to stand out.

It takes strength to feel a friend's pain.  
It takes courage to feel your own pain.

It takes strength to hide your own pains.  
It takes courage to show them.

It takes strength to endure abuse.  
It takes courage to stop it.

It takes strength to stand alone.  
It takes courage to lean on another.

It takes strength to love.  
It takes courage to be loved.

It takes strength to survive.  
It takes courage to live.

...I'll say it again, Elliot," she continued as she wiped away his tears. "You are the strongest and most courageous person I know ... I am blessed to have you in my life. I love you with all my heart and I am yours forever."

Reaching up she kissed him gently and caressed his face. "Love you."

.

"Olivia, he started as he rested his forehead on hers. "I love you so much.

**We give of ourselves** when we give gifts of the heart:  
Love, kindness, joy, understanding, sympathy,  
tolerance, forgiveness.

**We give of ourselves** when we give gifts of the mind:  
Ideas, dreams, purposes, ideals, principles,  
plans, projects, poetry.

**We give of ourselves** when we give gifts of the spirit:  
Prayer, vision, beauty, aspiration, peace, faith.

**We give of ourselves** when we give the gift of words:  
Encouragement, inspiration, guidance.

**Emerson** said it well:  
"Rings and jewels are not gifts,  
but apologies for gifts.  
The only true gift is a portion of thyself."

...And I promise you, Livia, I am yours forever," he declared. "You are the most amazing, loving, beautiful soul I know. It is I who am blessed. I know with you by my side, nothing is impossible, nothing is unattainable. You are everything that is good in my life – you are my life."

xoeoxo

The reception at the Frangipani Hotel was as simple as the service. There was an abundance of food, the traditional black wedding cake – Dickie was a fan of the rum soaked dessert, and plenty of music.

Entwined around her new husband on the dance floor, Olivia didn't register moving her feet; she was floating. With her arms draped around his neck and their bodies pressed together, everything was in unison from their sighs to their heartbeats.

"Can't believe you are mine," she sighed, her head resting in the crook of his neck. "And I don't believe I am ever going to let you go."

"I know I never am," he replied, kissing her head.

"For better or worse," she said, repeating part of their vows.

"Well, we've had the worse," he said as his hand moved to be her belly. "Let's hope from here on in it's better."

"Ooh, I could live with that," she replied, closing her eyes.

"We're going to be okay, aren't we, Livia?" he asked, drawing her face up to his.

"More than okay, El," she whispered before her lips found his and nothing more was said.

.

A while later, the bridal couples exchanged partners and Maureen found herself in her father's arms.

"Daddy," she said dreamily. "Are you as happy as me?"

"Yeah, I am," he agreed, kissing her head.

"I think we deserve it, don't you?" she asked, gazing up at her dad.

"We most certainly do," he replied.

"I love Olivia very much, dad. She is just perfect for you," Maureen said, looking over to the other couple. "She is definitely the best thing for you."

"I know," he said nodding. "I don't know what my life would be like without her."

"Thankfully, you'll never have to find out, dad," she replied, hugging him.

"Are you happy, Mo?" he asked, as he watched his daughter gaze at her husband.

"Deliriously," she said, grinning.

"You make sure he treats you right – always, you understand me?" he said firmly.

"I will, dad," she promised. "But you'll never have to worry about Mike."

"Glad to hear it," Elliot said, nodding. "But just in case..."

"You'll be the first to know," she replied with a chuckle. "But the same goes, dad," she continued becoming serious as she stood in place on the dance floor. "You treat Olivia right and let her treat you right, okay?"

"Okay," he conceded. He'd have to live a dozen lifetimes to make the past twelve months up to his beautiful wife.

.

A little after midnight, Maureen and Michael departed the restaurant and although they'd be seeing everyone later that day, tears were shed.

"I may be going home a married woman, dad, but I will always be your little girl," she consoled Elliot as he hugged her tightly and the tears rolled down his cheeks. "And we know it's true as we have the papers to prove it, right?"

"Yeah, right," he managed, trying hard not to show his tears to anyone. "Love you so much, Mo."

"Love you too, daddy," she replied, before she moved to Olivia.

Elliot embraced Michael and although the younger man was expecting threats, none were forthcoming.

"Love you, Mike," he declared, patting his back. "Be good to each other."

.

Meanwhile, Olivia was hugging Maureen.

"I know you've done it so well for a decade, Livvy, but you will look after dad, won't you?" she asked tearfully.

"Of course, honey," Olivia promised.

"And you'll look after yourself – and whatever freaked you out today," she continued.

"Of course, honey," she repeated. "And you do the same, right?"

"Of course, Liv."

.

A while later, with Kathleen and Lizzie tucked up in the second bedroom, and Dickie asleep on the sofa, Elliot and Olivia lay entwined in their bed, night clothes still on. Every time they moved the bed protested loudly and so there was not much they could do with the kids in the villa.

After a few dreamy, love filled declarations both fell asleep quickly, experiencing a contentedness neither had know. However, by 4AM Olivia was awake again and feeling somewhat restless, she knew what she wanted and she quickly considered her options. Finally, coming up with a most suitable plan, Olivia woke Elliot.

"You need to come with me, El," she said, tugging his arm as he tried to roll over. "Elliot, come on."

Climbing out of bed, Olivia grabbed her pillow, the quilt and top sheet from the bed, and tucked them under her arm. The night chill propelling Elliot into action.

"Olivia?" he questioned, sitting up and scratching his chest.

"Come on," she urged, opening the sliding door that led from their bedroom onto a small deck.

"Where are we going?" he asked, getting to his feet and reaching for her hand.

"To see the sunrise," she replied, entwining her fingers with his.

"Liv, sunrise isn't for nearly two hours," he said, looking at her curiously.

"Damn," she replied, grinning at him. "Guess we'll just have to find some way to fill in the time then."

.

Settled on the beach, Olivia pulled Elliot down onto her as the waves lapped quietly upon the beach.

"Don't think we have to worry about noise now," she said as his lips moved to claim hers.

"Nope," was his last word before desire overwhelmed them and they spent the best part of the next two hours exploring every aspect of each other as husband and wife.

"Oh god, that was amazing," Olivia sighed, slumping onto his hot and sweat slicked body. "Never remember it being that good."

"That's because I'm your husband now and my mission in life is to cater to your every whim," he declared, sucking on her neck.

"Oooh, I could get used to that," she whimpered as his hand caressed her breast and her body arched into his, starting proceedings once more.

"You realise we're missing the sunrise," he groaned as she writhed on top of him.

"Don't care – I'm more a fan of the moon," she replied as her hands kneaded his butt.

.

Coming down from another high, and temporarily sated, Olivia curled into her husband as he looked to the horizon.

"Love you, El," she declared as she tugged the quilt around them.

When there was no response she propped herself up on an elbow and studied the faraway look on Elliot's face.

"Elliot?"

Shaking his head, Elliot tried to focus on something Olivia couldn't see.

"What is it, Elliot?" she asked, drawing his face to hers.

"It's gone," he whispered. "It's gone."

"What's gone?" she asked, sitting up.

"The fog ..."

Olivia scanned the horizon and tried to figure it out. She hadn't seen any fog.

"Not that type of fog, baby," he said, pulling her into his arms. "This one," he said, tapping his chest then head. "The one I was drowning in. Today's the first day I've opened my eyes and felt normal, like I can see, like I can breathe...like...like..."

"Like the fog's cleared," she supplied for him and he nodded.

"Yeah and I never could have done it without you," he said, kissing her cheek.

"You could have," she replied. "But I'm very glad you didn't."

"Love you, Olivia," he declared, pulling her back down with him.

"Love you, Elliot," she replied, relishing having her whims met by her husband.

**AN 1:**

This is not the original ending I had planned and as you would be aware, there is a loose end which hasn't been tied off. There are two ways I could go 1) finish it off quickly with a one chapter epilogue or 2) do another instalment with the continuation. I think the latter is the best option as it is the only one which will do the justice to the story. Having said that, I don't have the time to do it at the moment but I think you'll agree, they'll be happy in their island paradise limo...I'm sure they can find something to occupy themselves with.

**AN 2: **

Spouses' Prayer- unknown.

Olivia's poem: Strength and Courage - Unknown

Elliot's response: From _The Art of Living _by Wilfred A. Peterson

**Thank you for reading, please review!**


End file.
